Rocket launcher

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“Tha rocket launcher... well now. When you absolutely positively have to kill every last commie bastard in the room, accept no subsitute! ”

~ John Wayne on The Rocket launcher

“This is my rocket launcher. There are many like it but this one is mine. My rocket launcher is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my rocket launcher is useless. Without my rocket launcher, I am useless. I must fire my rocket launcher true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my rocket launcher and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of my enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.”

~ Xan Krieger on The rocket launcher

“I gotsa get me one o deez!”

~ Will Smith on The Rocket launcher

“If I had a Rocket Launcher, If I had a Rocket Launcher, If I had a Rocket Launcher, I'd make somebody pay!”

~ Bruce Cockburn on Rocket Launchers

“"Aim at Enemy"”

~ Instructions painted on US Rocket Launchers

“"HOLD LIKE THIS"”

~ Instructions printed on Halo Rocket Launchers

“In Soviet Russia, rocket launcher fires YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal and Rocket Launchers

“ROCKET LAWNCHAIR!”

~ Metal Slug on The Rocket launcher

A magical contraption of pure evil capable of devastating damage, uber ownage and general annoyance. Basically a fun device meant to launch a rocket at an intended target. These targets generally include surrendering Frenchmen or Red Cross convoys in Africa.

Most rocket launchers employ a point-and-shoot interface, although some choose to simply shoot, leaving the pointing up to the rocket itself. After an effort to further extend the free-will of rockets, the very few rocket launchers made with only a point interface were immediately taken off the market due to the irrational release of any rocket eager to take the law into its own rocket-hands.

History[edit]

Invented by ancient Team Rocket members during the dawn of man, the rocket launcher was first used as a anti-dinosaur weapon. It contributed heavily to the evolutionary process by killing off huge amounts of animal species when wielded by fun-loving demons looking to create a couple missing links. The rocket launcher faded out of history around the same time demons did, only to reappear in the hands of the ancient Chinese in 1213 A.D. The Chinese used it primarily to messily slaughter raiding Mongols. In 1399 the Mongols stole the technology and used it to slaughter the Russians. The Russians happily used it to slaughter each other during vodka induced binges until the Chinese came in force and demanded the weapons back. The Russians responded by firing their rockets into the Chinese army then laughingly decided to comply. (The following events were lovingly recorded by a the Polish historian Druzinkio in 1400, author of such best selling works as "The Mongols Have The Heads of Dogs!!" and "Many Funs With Black Plague Now".) The Chinese general ordered the Russians to count, index systematically, and turn over the weapons in a civilized fashion. The message, "Turn over fire rockets and you will gain the Will of the Warrior," was decreed. The Russians managed to find all their missing rockets by repeatedly counting their stockpile, drinking vodka, and then recounting and discovering they had more rockets each recount. Thus the Russian Rocket Crisis was peacefully resolved.

A Rocket Launcher. The photographer was quickly blown to bits after a misfire.
Another example of a Rocket Launcher.

The next few centuries rockets launchers went in and out of fashion around the world causing fun and mayhem wherever they went (particularly when mad leprechauns started manufacturing them in whiskey breweries, arming themselves and going on holiday to Canada. Hilarity ensued with lessons learned by all.) Until they were discovered by guerrilla fighters and terrorists who practically creamed their jeans over them because they think that "..rocket launchers are the Shit!"

Modern Uses[edit]

The rocket launcher is used to blow stuff up. Although many things nowadays badly require blowing up, sadly, the rocket launcher has managed to blow up very few of them.

A (brief) list of things that require blowing up is as follows:

...etc

Bad uses[edit]

  • Don't ever use it on yourself.
  • Dont use it on your dick, you'll blow your self up!!!
  • Don't ever use a rocket launcher for anal pleasure... at least on yourself.
  • Aiming at Chuck Norris, it won't work. The universe will implode.

Biology[edit]

Where Baby Rockets Come From[edit]

When two older rockets love each other very, very much, they preform hideous and dangerous act called automatic reproduction to ensure the betterment and increased duration of the species (also known as rocket fucking.)

Most rockets are born on farms, thus the children are immediately harvested by farmers called worker bee factory workers. From these men, they are put in boxes and shipped out to new friends everywhere, yay! Actually, nay! Nay! Baby rockets are easilly fooled into joining bad crowds such as the Bush Administration or Most Middle Eastern Politicians. It is better to wait until the rocket passes puberty to send it off on its own, that way it doesn't fall into the nasty habit of doing drugs, hurting people and blowing up Japan.

Rocket launchers were created for the sole purpose of blowing shit up and giving birth to Barbara Streisand. Though they are usually noticed for the former reason, they are often underestimated and written off as being unable to reproduce. Though, unfortunately, they can, and have. And they'll do it again. The only entity known to stop a rocket launcher mid-copulation is Mr.T, with his bling. Mr.T then got AIDS from the radioactive residue left over by a half-conceived Barbara Streisand. To clarify; rocket launchers are always in ur base killin ur doodz.


The Future[edit]

I'm sure you wonder, "Hey, what are rockets going to be doing in twenty years?" The answer is very complicated. Scientists consulted a magic 8 ball. George Bush asked God. That pimply employee at the KFC asked his manager (I hate that kid.) After many years of thought, here it is: the future of rockets. We are going to use them to blow shit up.


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