|Rocky "The Tank" Falcone|
|Nationality||I'm watching you...|
|Date of birth||July 7, 1947|
|Place of birth||32nd Asteroid Belt, America|
|Date of death||never|
|Place of death||Pig and Whistle, Wandsworth, London|
|First Lady||Still workin on it|
|Vice President||Pat Godar|
|Prime Minister||Ran in 1965 election|
|Term of office||2001–∞|
|Preceded by||Don't Worry about it|
|Succeeded by||The CADMASTER|
"That guy's huge!"
"~Captain Obvious on Rocky Falcone"
"Son of a bitch stole my name!"
"~Rocky Rococo on Rocky Falcone"
"I ain't touchin' that"
"~ Mike Tyson"
"He's got the heart of a lion and the body of an elephant
- Oscar Wilde on Rocky Falcone
On the eve of September 1914, a large round lump of wet clay was born to mother Edna Falcone, and Captain Crunch. The small, shapeless lump rolled around the nursery for a few days. As he rolled on the dirty floor dust and other small objects started to stick to him and he started to grow. After a few weeks he was as large as a baby t-rex. The next day he ran over the slim and trim rockey falcone, thus the plump bolder sized rocky falcone we know to day was born. His parents knew he would be special. They knew he would be a ... dean. Rocky grew up sitting on a couch dreaming of the real world. He pretended like he had friends and that they loved him. Every night Rocky would take a bath with his star wars figurines and whisper sweet nothings into their ears. On one eventful bubble bath night rocky dropped his limited edition darth vader action figure (ITS NOT A DOLL MOM!) down the drain. This scarred him for life. Rocky began to eat enormous amounts of food. His size grew and grew until he turned into THE BLOB!
Rocky is an amorphous creature from outer space which lands on Earth encased in fecal matter. Two teenagers, Steve Andrews (Dike-face) and Jane Martin (Butt-Muffin) took a car to try to find where the meteor had landed. Meanwhile, an elderly man (Mr.Gonads lolz) had heard the meteor crash near his house. He went outside and upon finding it poked it with a stick. The rock broke open, and he found a small mass of jelly-like substance inside. This "Rocky Falcone", which is actually a living creature, crawled up the stick and attached itself to his hand. The man ran hysterically onto the road, where he was almost hit by Steve's car. Steve attempts to help the douchbag, and takes him to the vet. They arrive just as Doctor Hallen is about to leave the bathroom. He takes the old man in and devours him, but finds that his mass has grown larger. Finally, it dissolves the old man completely and rolls to the floor, where it also engulfs and eats the nurse and later, the doctor himself. Woah brah Dick BAG
Rocky started off in Scientology roots, and latter turned towards to self created religion foodism, giving rocky the name reverend "Stuffed turkey". As Foodism soared so did it's yearly income. Rocky had not anticipated this an the extra money gave him the ability to buy such indulgences as: steak fried steak, deep fried Hershey bars, and his personal favorite Bald Eagle. Later the DNR came to his house to investigate much to Rocky's dismay they found the eagle and he was but on trial for the wrongful death and ingestion of our national bird. He needed a good lawyer and since Johnny Cochran was ((((((((PEEEEEENNNNNNNNIIIIIIIISSSSSS)))))))dead he turned to Bob Loblaw. The trial was one of the more memorable ones as Rocky came to the court house using a Bald Eagle Feather to clean his teeth of unknown poultry. A clear slap in the face to the US Court System. With some smooth talking and direct quoting for Bob Loblaw's Law Blog Rocky was let off with a warning and his religion was ordered to disband as "it was a threat to the US Government. Rocky felt this could not happen so he quickly relinquished the title of "Religion" and now had to pay taxes as Foodism was now a cult. The cult viewed Rocky as the second coming of...Colonel Sanders. The cult brought all their valuables to him in hopes of him giving them the secret recipe for the Colonels Original Recipe Chicken. After he had promised it to them many times the followers became very tired of his false promises and left him for dead in an abandoned shed some 50 miles from civilization. Rocky however had seen this day coming and had enough fat supply in his body to last several months. The authorities once again came to his rescue and Rocky denounced all religion, except for Scientology of course.
In the mid 80's there was no bigger name in tennis (literally) than Ivenohmenston lewashakivzkuizakilva-delmorihano. The Russian-Spanish tennis champion. Rockey looked up to Ivenohm' not only for his winning the Nigerian "Walnut" Tennis championship, but also for his Feudalism views, his amazing ability to inhale lead dust, and his use of telescreens. Rocky thus had an Idol. Rockey as a young man practiced hard every day by inhaling lead dust, and for extra measure, eating mad cow infected cows. Rocky felt he was getting rather good and decided to play in the big: Wisconsin YMCA tennis on a basket ball court tournament. rocky got first place by default. (no one has signed up for that tournament since it started in 72'(no one knows why they still hold it))Wining this tournament not only boosted Rocky's self esteem but at the same time he landed a job as a male model in the husky section of J.C. Penny's. Rocky was on top of the world. It was now time to enter the Nigerian "Walnut" tennis Championship. As rocky was headed to the sign up desk which was conveniently located in Souix falls South Dakota. He stumbled upon a teacher Identification card for Souix Falls elementary school the title was Dean Rosenbush. as rocky references in his autobiography, that is where he came up with, Rocky "the dean, of tennis" Falcone. Which in turn latter led to his sexual harassment suit agents Waldo Greenfield. (see criminal record)Rocky lost at a record time (2min 34seconds) in the first round of the "walnut" tourney. Abashed Rocky fled the scene crying, and even more to his humiliation the ground could not support his weight (modern scientist attribute this to his added mass from lead)and he fell straight to the center of the earth, where he would not emerge for 14 years. After his 14 year excursion in the center of the earth rocky came out a new man. He was revitalized and ready to start a new life, after traveling several hundred miles to Russia he had found that both the Soviet Union had disolved and that Lewashakivzkuizakilva-delmorihano and been killed after he refused to throw Россия-РсийскаяФедеаци a major russian tennis tournament in 1989. Crushed, Rocky decided tennis was not a safe place for a man of his talent (due to plenty of psychology from molten rock men he was able to completely block the Walnut indecent from his brain).
After Rocky's tennis career in the 80's rocky became a famous small town pop performer. Rocky started out playing at slow local clubs and his few fans rocketed him to stardom. With such hits as "More to love" and "The pushin cushin" Rocky shot up to the top the charts. His mixture of Iranian Folk music and German techno was marvelous. As his popularity increased Rocky battled with the pressures of fame. He became addicted to horse tranquilizers and started to become mal nourished. As his weight decreased his drug problem increased. Rocky was then forced to quit drugs by his school counselors. The counselors really understood rocky and were definitely worth hiring for $100,000 a year. The school was so overjoyed that their drug program worked they spent $50,000 to buy the senior class shot glasses. The most disgusting result of Rocky's loss of body weight resulted on massive folds of skin called wings. Rocky used these "wings" to fly around the sky. His skin flaps encouraged children to not be afraid of there bodies. Despite Rocky's best efforts he couldn't create another billboard hit. He just wasn't cool anymore. Was it because he quit drugs? Or was it because his arm skin hung lower than his grandmas? I'll let you decide America.
The Dean of Safety
Rocky Falcone always adored authority. He always expressed his authority over dozens of pounds of butter, yes plain butter. Rocky would take the butter and exclaim "Who's your vanilla daddy?!!! and engulf the butter, (most biologists agree that Rocky could consume so much butter because of his detachable jaw, and multiple stomachs) The butter was not able to digest in Rocky's stomach. It began to ferment and turn into Baily's Irish Cream. This delicious beverage prompted Rocky to become the dean of safety. He decided the streets would be safer if everyone listened to him. Rocky hopped (more like waddled) onto his moped and prepared to rid the city of crime. On the way to the police station Rocky's moped imploded from the massive amounts of force Rocky's body put on it. Rocky fell of the moped and scraped his knee. At the sight of his own blood Rocky decided to call 911. Logically the ambulance came, took him to the hospital where he received a Dora the Explorer band-aid. Rocky's tears at the hospital turned into jelly beans!!! Yay!!! He then used them to end world hunger. But world hunger is still around because he really ate them and got more fat.
Big Rocky is Watching You
Once his life in the limelight had finally concluded Rocky decided it was time to be real. He decided, after reading George Orwell's 1984, that he must emulate Big Brother and watch over society. So with a little convincing, the Big Rocky is watching you campaign was launched. The school spent hundreds of hours, and millions of dollars (yea, that's right, TAX PAYER dollars) to watch over the school and prevent theft. The program was a big success as the Times Tribune pointed out "We all love and respect Rocky and think he is doing a great Job" this quote came directly after Rocky had a meeting with the execs and gave them some "advice on what to say. The BRIWY campaign had saved the school thousands of dollars and was a great idea according to many people. "There is no problem with genocide or murder here, those crazy hippies are high on LSD and don't know anything" said a spokesperson for Rocky. This meteoric rise was not uncommon for Rocky ^^See Above^^ and as it had happened previously before Rocky fell from grace in dramatic fashion, he was caught in his office with his pants around his ankles, belt around his neck and a pound of Chinese opium on top of his desk. After his second meeting in as many years with the school guidance counselors they decided to let him keep his job, but he must quit Big Rocky is Watching you and apologize publicly, Rocky agreed. Why do they keep giving this guy a job???
- In Soviet Russia, You watch Rocky.
How He Became an Honorary Member of the A Team
Before the first episode of The A Team aired in 1983, Rocky worked off-set as a human stunt bag. He became good friends with actor George Peppard, known as Col. John "Hannibal" Smith on the TV show. Rocky wasn't well known by the general public, as he never actually appeared on the show. However, in one of the episodes, they found that they were short one actor, and asked Rocky if he could sub in and play the role as a referee in an episode in which B.A. Baraccus (Mr. T) fights a rival of the A Team in a boxing match.