Rodan
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“Yeah, I knew him. He was a big flying creature who could fart himself to supersonic speeds. We used to be good friends...then he tried to take my title! I showed the little bastard who's the real king of the monsters. Nowadays, you can find him under the name of Roastdan or just go to your local butchers and ask for some chicken.”
~ Godzilla on Rodan
Rodan is a giant bird big fucking Pteranodon that can fly at supersonic speeds, create hurricane force winds with his wings and strip the clothes off a woman half a second. He is a giant Japanese monster like his former-ally and King of the Monsters, Godzilla, though that fact was pretty obvious. Rodan has the record of going around the world 10 times, devouring entire swarms of locust, devouring entire hordes of people, being the number one cause of crop circles and being the number one cause of plane crashes. Rodan may not be as famous or well known as Godzilla, but...um...
Ever since his appearance, Rodan has been the cause of many UFO sightings, caused many near-nuclear missile launches during the cold war and has left behind many giant bird droppings, even though he technically isn't a bird.
Rodan's many crimes contributions to mankind include keeping the population limit down, demolishing old buildings to make for new (even if there are people inside of it and the building has yet to be scheduled for demolition), having sex with Mothra (an act resulting in Megaguirus) and causing every single plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle.
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[edit] History
Rodan was found in a giant egg deep underground, surrounded by thousands of giant bugs and one Japanese miner who would bump his head, get amnesia, and totally freak out every time he saw an egg hatch. The insects, called Meganulon, planned to eat Rodan, but their plans were thwarted when they realized Rodan was that bit bigger than they had planned. He ate them all, one by one, then with one of his supersonic farts, blasted out of the caves and killed Superman by colliding with him directly.
Going into Japan, he went to look for humans, his favorite food, and ended up eating 50 humans, a cow, two sheep and Michael Jackson (the plastic from this snack however gave ickle wickle Rodan a tummy-achey-wake). When he needed more humans, he went to the nearest city. The buildings there made fun of him so he used his supersonic farts and hurricane force winds to tear everything apart and strip every hot chick in the area naked. No one knows how or why, but Rodan cloned himself and proceeded to tear the living shit out of everything even more.
After a long day of killing and destroying, the Rodan's sat down in a volcano and watched some Godzilla movies. While they were picking up tips from the master himself, the military rudely began firing missiles at their home. The volcano erupted and the hot lava not only destroyed their television to their dismay, but apparently killed both of them.
A few years later in 1964, he finished putting himself back together with the instruction manual stuffed up his left nostril and broke free from the volcano. Then he met Godzilla in a drunken bar fight, as well as Mothra, and they helped take down the last survivor of the bar fight: a three headed space dragon who liked to laugh a lot called King Ghidorah.
Godzilla and Rodan were friends for a long time, fighting King Ghidorah on many occasions. Then, one day, Rodan began to steal Godzilla's porn directly off his computer. Angered, he fought and defeated Rodan, and grew an extra 30 meters and cut all his ties.
Godzilla Vs Mechagodzilla
Twas many years before Rodan returned. Having taken up residence on an island turned nuclear dumping site, Rodan had grown a third horn (later proven to be a cancerous growth from the back of his skull that later dropped off, crawled away and became Osama Bin Laden) and an egg, smaller than his but still bloody bigger than a human.
One day when coming back from his shitting grounds (a monster's equivalent to a toilet), Rodan found those bastard humans had taken his unhatched little brother. So he let loose with his supersonic farts and the gassy stench left behind marked his return. Unfortunately, Godzilla was on an Easter Egg hunt and they met again. While having a drunken bar fight (don't ask how they got drunk), the humans knicked off with the egg. Feeling pretty stupid, Rodan let down his guard, allowing Godzilla to knock him out with one of his Atomic Farts. Rodan lay there gagging for quite a while.
When he finally found the strength to get up, he tried to lift off with a supersonic fart. Surprise met him when his fart ignited. More surprise came when he belched fire. Yet more surprise awaited when he discovered himself to be bright red and permanently sunburnt. He originally was thinking on renaming himself 'Sunburnt Rodan', but decided against it and called himself Fire Rodan.
Sniffing his own crap which he used on the egg as a tracking signal, he located his little brother, now hatched. Seeing it was a Baby Godzilla, he decided to raise him and grow a new friend. But while in the middle of a game of 'Where's the baby?', Godzilla's mechanical copy, anti-Godzilla machine and poor rip off of the King, Mechagodzilla, showed up. Rodan tried using his fire powers on Mecha-G, but Mechagodzilla shiny reflective armor was so shiny, that it actually reflected stuff. Rodan was put out of action.
Shortly after, Godzilla, muttering about "Mother Fucking pterosaurs" and "Idiotic humans" and "Big cheap metal copies of himself", he faced Mechagodzilla and was taken down by the new weapon, the "Dance Dance Revolver", which caused Godzilla to dance himself to exhaustion. Rodan, under hypnosis from Baby Godzilla, gave up his awesome fire powers to revive Godzilla. He then disappeared, having died again.
2004
Rodan, much to his dismay, found himself alive again. Disappointed he was denied the peace of death again, Rodan decided to take his anger out on the humans. But by the 21st Century, monsters now needed a license. Fortunately, a bunch of aliens from the Planet X (or was it Y?) were offering jobs to destroy mankind. Rodan signed on and after sonicly stinkifying New York, was assigned with fellow monsters Anguirus and King Caesar to stop Godzilla yet again.
Of course, Rodan was skeptical about the chosen strategy of using Anguirus as a soccer ball. But it worked. Until Godzilla hit Anguirus into Rodan, causing him to crash into a cliff. Anguirus and Caesar were piled on top of him, thus adding to their humiliation.
[edit] Rodan Today
Rodan quit his job as an alien death machine and returned to the giant monster business. He resides on Monster Island with Anguirus and King Caesar writing up plans to take over the world.
Rodan has also been used in several ads for the Air Force, where the sheer amount of pilots dying should be enough to encourage the populace to fill their shoes and die behind inside a burning a cockpit.
[edit] Conspiracy
It is believed several events in history are attributed to Rodan. These include:
- The 9/11 Terrorist bombings (in various footage, a brownish/reddish blur can be seen as well as a trail of fart gas)
- Every single plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle
- Cause of the Concorde crash
- Blowing up Space Shuttle Challenger
- Male Pattern Baldness (the high speeds he flies at strips the hairs right off their heads)
- The Hindenburg
