Rodney King

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“Totally had it coming.”

~ George Bush on Rodney King
Rodney King's mugshot

Rodney King (born February 31st, 1865) is a well-known African-American figure, notorious for beating two white police officers to death in 1891. Unbeknownst to King, the incident was secretly recorded on a stereoscope in alarmingly accurate 3D by a bystander. King was subsequently arrested, but acquitted of all charges soon after. The trial was decried as unjust by the NAAWP and white people everywhere.

The Incident[edit]

On March 3, 1891, Rodney King was pulled over when police saw his carriage swerving recklessly across the road. The two officers immediately began to suspect that King was under the influence of opium. When asked, King became enraged at the officers and beat them. The recording revealed how the exchange went:

Officer 1: Have you been smoking any opium tonight sir?
King: What da fuck make you think I been smokin da chronic???
Officer 2: Now now, there's no reason to get mad.
King: Man, fuck you.
Officer 1: Sir, I don't want to have to arr-
(*King punches officer*)
King: What you gon' do now, biatch?!?!
Officer 1: Please, we'll give you whatever you want!
King: Stop resisting!!!
(*beating continues*)

King attempted to flee the scene of the crime by mounting a nearby horse. Unexpectedly, the horse happened to be a mare in heat and apparently accepted the sexual advance. King was quickly arrested by the remaining officers at the scene and later arraigned on charges for 2 counts of manslaughter and 20 counts of sexual battery and indecent exposure.

Warning: The preceding section contained graphic textual representations of violence. Reader discretion would have been advised.


The jury. Notice the lack of White People.

At trial, King was represented in court by famous lawyer Johnny Cockran. When the prosecution presented evidence that King's shoe had been fatally lodged into one officer's rectum, Cockran coined the famous phrase "If the boot does not fit, you must acquit!". During reenactments of the crime, it was demonstrated that while King's boot did indeed fit into the horse's rectum, it did not fit in any of the officers' rectums.

Many white people believed the fairness trial was marred by a lack of representation of the white community in the jury. Regardless, King was shortly acquitted of all charges. This seemingly unjust verdict caused riots in the heavily white neighborhoods of Kenosha, Bumfuk Falls, and Estonia.


Rodney "Just One Fix" King, is the son of Martin Luther King Jr. and Star Jones. He was born on February 31st, 1865 along with his quadruplet brothers, Larry King, Billie Jean King, and Burger King.

King is currently living in "Shady Acres" nursing home in Compton, Los Angeles.


  • Manslaughter
  • Indecent exposure
  • Lewdness/Sexual conduct
  • Excessive flatulence
  • Driving While Impaired
    • Mr. King was pulled over for smoking marijuana wrapped in acid papers. He swore up and down that he was heading to the Moon!

Books Authored by Rodney[edit]

King, Rodney (1893). Memoirs. Def Jam books.

King, Rodney and Louis Farrakhan (1895) Life Lessons: How I Learned to Love White People. Harrington Publishing Co.

See Also[edit]