Romford

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Romford
Closest border: England
Formal status: Choking Hazard
Where it is
County: London
Region: The Southeast
Nation: Mediocre Britain

“My second home”

~ Ghandi on Romford

“It loves me”

~ Barbra Streisand on Romford

“Shit-hole”

~ Anna Kournikova on Romford

Romford is an (unfortunately) large town in suburban London. It serves as a centre of administration, commerce, finance and prostitution in the London Borough of Havering, which is so named because it understandably did not want to be named after Romford. It also serves along with Croydon, Feltham and Edmonton as part of the second layer of defense for London (the first layer being the M25). Romford has now been swallowed up by the great capital city which has caused it to choke rather violently. However, Essex does not want to have it back. Which is very sensible.

History[edit]

Romford was built on the road from London to Colchester and began as a service station. In 1247, it was allowed to hold a market, which was a joint plot between the towns of Harlow and Thurrock to otherthrow Chelmsford. Unfortunately it failed, and Essex was condemned to put up with Romford forever, although having said that Essex was already used to putting up with worse. The name comes from the fact that stolen CD-ROMs and Ford Escorts were sold at the market, along with wax fruit, sex toys and Jews.

Romford's indigenous species: The Male and female chav

Central to Romford is the Liberty Shopping Centre, which was so-called because Romford was 'liberated' from Essex and Chavland, only to have found it was now part of London. The shopping centre was accidently dropped on the town by optimistic planners and has since began to grow, destroying a leisure centre in a 'Romford Redevelopment Plan'.

For a long time, Romford's biggest industry was making beer. Romford home brewed beer was very popular with locals and benefit cheats. Although perhaps it was too popular, especially on the streets in the evening after 8 o'clock. And even today it still is popular, however the beer is now made in China, and the brewery is now occupied by a shopping centre called...The Brewery.

Local government[edit]

When Romford was captured by London, it was treated honourably and even given territory to control (Brits are very nice to their prisoners!). This consisted of 7Upminster, Rainyham and Hornychurch along with the amazing new estates of...Collier Row and Harold Hill! It borders with Barkingmad and Daggerham and also with a (thankfully) small part of Redbridge. The area, like most of London, isn't really very manageable but hey, having your own empire is very satisfying!

Transport[edit]

The London Underground sensibly kept out of the area, but when the Not-So-Great Eastern Main Line was built, it accidently built a station to serve the area, causing commuters to be regularly delayed by trains, and passengers of Chelmsford said it increased crowding on trains and that the time taken for the train to slow down and stop at Romford added on extra minutes to their journies. There's no pleasing some people. There is a regular service to London Liverpoo Street and Stwatford.

There are several important roads. the A12 passes Romford to the north, carrying cars travelling from London to the Ingatestone Bypass (where they break down at potholes). The A127 Burberry Highway also starts here, and is a major one way street for cars heading to Basildon and Southend-on-Sea. None of them come back. It starts at 'Gallows Corner' which was so-named as it in the past Chavs were arrested and hung here. This was banned by the NSPCC (In this case: the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Chavs, not Children).

Education[edit]

The majority of local chavs don't go to school - they learn in jail from hardened criminals, sometimes the hard way.

Romford Trivia[edit]

  • It boasts the world's first Roman Catholic Swimming Baths
  • All the Barrow Boys are closet homosexuals
  • Children under three are forced to do the macarena
  • The pigeons carry knives
  • Every taxi cab is owned by a Muslim
  • Romford railway station is actually one of the oldest train stations not only in what is modern Greater London, but in the whole world? It was originally opened in 1839, just a few years after passenger trains were introduced.
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