Ron Jeremy

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ron Jeremy.

The subject of this article is well-endowed.
Therefore, they are better than you. Keep that in mind as you read this article.

It's-a me!

Ron Jeremy is an ex-G.I.Joe and religious scholar widely known for his leading research on the Talmud as interpreted in 12th Century Spain, and the contributions of Spanish Jews to European philosophy and jurisprudence. He is also a leading actor and the inspiration for Super Mario Brothers.

[edit] Partial biography

[edit] Early Years

Hailing from Deep Throat, MyAnusBitch Jeremy has led a varied and interesting life. Born in 1951 to Mr and Mrs Bilbo Baggins he changed his name after an incident involving a ring and a journey into the depths of Mordor. (Note: this incident has been known commonly as the "Lords of the Cock-ring"...the device Ron used to perify certain extremities of himself and mercilessly blugeon unwitting orcs and goblins) Upon his triumphant return to California, Ron found himself out of work. With nobody hiring ring-bearers he was forced to make a hard decision and became a member of a modern dance group simply called "pr0n". He supplemented the small amount of money they earned putting on performances of "Kitten Eater" by Oscar Wilde with work as a kitchen boy at Planet Hollywood. Ron spent a Summer entertaining at childrens birthday parties as "RoJer the Clown", specializing in making Balloon animals. Sadly this occupation was cut short due to injury, Ron returning from a bathroom break had forgotten to zip his fly and accidentally incorporated his phallus into a Giraffe sculpture. (Reports claim the scream was heard throughout the Pacific Seaboard.)

He was the first voice of Cookie Monster, and became a household name by playing the character Stromboli in the Disney movie "Pinocchio".

It was a strange mixture of these jobs that was to make Ron a household name; much like Mr Clean or Mrs Paul would be.

[edit] Alter Egos

It is commonly believed that Ron Jeremy is infact Super Mario, adventurously galavanting through the Mushroom Kingdom (named for the shape of Ron's potent portabello). This is, however, false, despite that Ron Jeremy also has a brother named Luigi. Ron has clearly stated that, "no woman, regardless of her royal status, is worth detaching a testicle, dowsing it in lighter fluid, and hurling it at small, mushroom-shaped blobs, no matter how many coins I will gain." The significance of his statement has never been fully revealed, however numerous college thesis have been written on the subject. In any case, Ron Jeremy has starred in his own series of videogames, which includes such highly-acclaimed titles as Ron Jeremy Bros. 1, 2 & 3, Ron Jeremy Land, Ron Jeremy World, Ron Jeremy Kart, Ron Jeremy RPG, Paper Ron Jeremy, Dr. Jeremy, Ron Jeremy 64, Ron Jeremy Sunshine, Ron Jeremy Galaxy, Ron Jeremy Tennis, Ron Jeremy & Luigi: Partners in Time, and the infamous Ron Jeremy Sex Party.

[edit] Big Ron Fills An Opening

That might be him, the thing Superman is holding.

One day, whilst serving a group of Japanese salary-men Ron noticed that he realised he had made a tremendous social faux pas. Having not tucked away his meat hammer after a meeting with Mother Palm and Her Five Daughters earlier on in the kitchen it was mentioned in passing that he possessed a strange birth mark on his member.

Mr Sakimoto recognised the birth mark instantly and was shocked so hard he nearly stopped eating sushi and seaweed from the naked girl on his table. The birth mark was in the exact place and format that his ancient order had been seeking for all those thousands of years.

Instantly, Ron was catapulted into the position of Messiah, a role he filled to the best of his abilities. As one experienced in questing, modern dance and knowledge of all things bearing the odor of fish, he displayed an almost preternatural ability valued by this ancient and unconfirmed religion. It was renamed in reverence to Ron to "the Jeremites".

Ron's heroin days.

[edit] Who the Fuck Are The Jeremites? How Come I Haven't Heard of Them?

Well if you went outside into the world instead of sitting upstairs like a battery hen then maybe you'd find out. What am I? A tour guide? I'll tell you what - here are five facts about the Jeremites. Four are true and one is made up. Another two are vaguely threatening. Finally, one is a manx cat. If you can guess which one then you can win a prize.

The Jeremites have existed for 3.5 billion years.
The Jeremites regularly practice the art of extreme regurgitation.
The Jeremites worship modern dance and are great fans of Richard Simmons.
The Jeremites require watering twice daily and should be fed with high nitrogen content soil. They require re-planting every six months.
The Jeremites have access to powers beyond mortal comprehension including Telekinesis, Telepathy and Television.
There is no number 6. Look up to the last paragraph. It says five doesn't it? Well then, what are you doing looking at this?
I've told you once. This is your last warning before I call upon the power of ten tigers and get all Phantom on your ass. Trust me you don't want that.
Fur allergies cause the Jeremites to swell up like Fat Albert on steroids.

Answers on a postcard to P.O. Box 32, London, WC1V 4RA England. Answers written in childish scrawl with a crayon will be given priority.

[edit] Future Plans for the Jeremites

The Jeremites hope to tour Europe soon, their sell-out album "Cocktacular" is triple platinum in Germany and the chance of a support set from David Hasselhoff is in the offing. Ron himself is extremely popular amongst the hairy women of Europe and the idea of rubbing against his luxuriant topiary is a chance few would miss out on.

Ron Jeremy has a son who is a Sesame Street Gangster.

It's a crocodile! It's a train!

[edit] Are You Still Reading This?

There really isn't any more. You should go home, maybe put your feet up. Perhaps you could watch some TV. Law and Order should be on in a bit. That's always good. Vincent D'onofrio seems to have put a bit of weight on though. Not like Jerry Orbach. Or better yet, you can watch a Ron Jeremy movie. He has made 4000. All of this during the offseason when his penis is a player for the Cincinnati Reds. Coincidentally, it wears number 69.