Ron Paul
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| Emperor of the United States of America | |
 Official Monticello Portrait of Ron Paul | |
| Anointed: | March 15, 1997, by Zombie Richard Nixon |
|---|---|
| Preceded by: | Richard M. Nixon |
| Succeeded by: | Incumbent |
| Political Party: | Republican |
| Religion: | Paulitics |
| Spouse: | Empress Carol Paul |
| Education: | Medical Degree in Lobotomy |
“Getting rid of worker's advancements for the past 100 years will solve all of our problems!”
- ~ Ron Paul on fixing America
“Nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven mayor of New York City, terrorism!”
- ~ Rudy Giuliani on errors found in Ron Paul's statements about fixing America
“Digg, Reddit, Blogs, Media Conspiracy, CFR, states' rights, no IRS! Vote for Ron Paul or we'll kill your dog!”
- ~ Ron Paul supporters on Ron Paul in 2008
“Ron Paul is a tool of the aristocracy!”
- ~ Howard Zinn on Ron Paul
Doctor Ronald Freeman Paul I, Emperor M.D. (born 1905 in Freedom, Pennsylvania) is a Republican, former child lobotomist, and ninth and current Emperor Of The United States, bidding for an additional position as United States President in the interest of creating "freedom" and rationing it to the wealthy by eliminating labor laws. He is also the leader of the Paultards, members of the internet religious movement - centered at Digg and Reddit - and privately-owned health practice of Paulitics.
Paul has been described by fellow politicians and several news agencies as "daft", "staunch conservative and nutbag", and "a stiff who thinks that the Constitution should be taken literally". Unlike every-last-one-without-exception of his fellow Republican candidates, he opposes an interventionist foreign policy, claiming that we need to intervene in domestic issues instead of fixing ones in other countries. He supports withdrawing from South Korea and the United Nations, claiming that they are pussies and that the United States has better things to do than play with international clubhouses and Starcraft. Other positions include corporate control of the internet, removal of gun control and safety, getting rid of environmental laws, believing in paranoid conspiracy theories, ending public education, ending taxes to increase government revenue, opposing shooting drug dealers, getting rid of labor laws, and supporting the rights of foetuses and cancer under the guise of states' rights. A controversial issue is his stance on evolution, believing that it's too intelligently designed to exist.
Throughout his 2008 presidential campaign, he was consistently a leader in online polls, claiming the little people as the secret to his success. Paul failed to place better than second in any primary, however, blaming the lack of cookies in electronic voting machines.
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[edit] Early Life and Education
Ron Paul was born in Freedom, Pennsylvania, in 1935 at the height of the great depression. Because of this, Ron Paul would never go to a formal school. His father, a certified Victorian brain surgeon, thus taught Ron Paul to use ice picks to cut pieces out of the brain of a negro at the age of three, and would continue this profession for several years, performing it on mockingbirds, live audiences, and even several teachers. However, at the age of twelve, after an incident involving an ice pick and his cat, he would stop his performances.
At the age of fourteen, Ron Paul would also develop an interest in politics after reading Edward Bernays's book Propaganda. Believing that lobotomy provided superior performance to the preferred techniques of psychoanalysis or electroshock therapy at the time, he would begin to use his ice picks once again, creating the first followers of Paulitics.
Ten years later he would be performing these surgeries on overactive children on behalf of disheveled parents on the bed of his Ford truck. He is rumored to have over 5,000 lobotomies under his belt during this time. His profession led him to his future wife Carol, and soon the two were married with children. This experience in lobotomy also explains his views against abortion: lobotomy can always be used a few weeks after birth if the mother needs to rush it, and a good worker made instead of preventing one from existing.
Ron Paul has a brothersister RuPaul, who went into show business, and was adopted by his parents, and was one of the negros that Ron Paul used an ice pick to perform a lobotomy on during his early years.
His two brothers, John Paul and John Paul II, (J²P²) had a successful career in Popeing until they died.
[edit] Career in Military and Politics
[edit] Military
During the turmoil of the sixties, Ron Paul was drafted in the army, where he served as a neurosurgeon for the military, cutting out pieces of brain on the back of helicopters while his patients slowly bled to death from injuries received in combat. He never had any formal training in removing bullets, bandaging wounds, or other important activities in the field, deeming them unnecessary, as after their surgeries they wouldn't feel anything anyways. Surprisingly, few patients ever died during his service in the helicopter, and by the end of his service he attained the rank of private. The experiences he had in the helicopter deeply affected Paul, who was inspired to do twice the lobotomies he performed before, experimenting with the effects of metal plates.
[edit] Politics
As lobotomy rates decreased in favor of more sane treatments, Paul would turn to his passion for politics to keep him afloat. In the sixties and seventies, he would manage the campaign for former Minnesota governor Harold Stassen, successfully elected failure, although he claimed to be running for the office of President. He also managed the campaign for Barry Goldwater. During this time he continued to occasionally perform lobotomies on patients, most notably, George Wallace and Lyndon Johnson.
[edit] As a Congressman
At the age of forty he would retire entirely from lobotomy, and focus solely on politics, settling with his wife in Texas, after being inspired by a speech by Richard Nixon. There, he became a representative winning in a landslide victory twice, after the opposing candidates mysteriously died in aircraft crashes. Seeing the err of his country, he set out to fix what he could in the House. All of his proposals, including a ban on abortion except in the case of lobotomy, at that point had failed. He did, however, gain a reputation as an honest candidate during this period, allowing for election several times.
[edit] As Emperor
On March 15, 1997, the corpse of former United States Emperor Richard Nixon managed to claw itself out of its grave, and attacked Paul, who was visiting the grave shortly after recovering from an attack by rabid neoconservatives. Although early news reports stated Paul had been killed, this was not the case; it was only the soul of Paul that had been devoured, replaced by that of Nixon himself. The corpse almost immediately scurried back into its grave and hasn't been seen since, while Nixon, in the guise of Paul, began wreaking havoc once more as Emperor.
During his reign, he allowed President Bill Clinton to stay in office despite his impeachment, and, in an military funded attempt at control of African Americans and middle class white suburban teenagers, accidentally helped in the creation of Gangsta Rap. Similar studies allowed for his popularity on the Internet as a presidential candidate.
During the '90s, Emperor Paul collaborated with the military to discover the effects of ramming an aircraft into a building. The data from the experiment was later used by George W. Bush for his model airplane and building kits to allow for bright, shiny explosions. This also prompted the evacuation of the White House on September 11th, 2001, when a completely unrelated freak accident caused the collapse of two buildings and damage to the Pentagon. The cause of this accident is speculated to be a magnetic force caused by Vice President Dick Cheney's pacemaker when coming in contact with underground stations within NORAD. Paul did not condemn the attacks, instead saying that it was their freedom to do so, but they should have obtained proper permits as stated in New York law concerning organized terrorist attacks.
After the ratification of the Patriot Act, the Constitution was declared dead on arrival. Ron Paul, being one of the few doctors in the House, immediately went to the National Records Administration to attempt resuscitation. All techniques, including a defibrillator, CPR, and cutting out sections with large words, all failed to resuscitate it; as a result, the Constitution is currently cryogenically frozen in hopes of a future candidate being able to restore it.
Despite doing these things, Emperor Paul for the most part has done what amounted to absolutely nothing with his unlimited power, instead using it to play golf in Hawaii and attend his favorite restaurants.
[edit] Ron Paul Supporters
Typical Ron Paul supporters feel that Ron Paul has been discriminated against and want to be able to vote multiple times for Ron Paul, as that video demonstrates. They hang out on Digg and Reddit and submit Pro-Paul articles that report how the Republicans conspired against him to get his name taken off the ballots, and how Fox News was unfair to him and even CNN and MSNBC, two liberal news corporations were unfair to him as well. All news companies conspired not to report that Ron Paul was still a Republican nominee and still running for President and instead erroneously reported that John McCain won the Republican primaries. Surely Diebold rigged the voting machines so that McCain got all of the Ron Paul votes, in the same way that George W. Bush got the Ralph Nader votes in 2000 and 2004. Furthermore they report that the winner of the 2008 Presidential election will steal Ron Paul votes for himself or herself, and in that way the vote is already rigged in a conspiracy between the Republicans and Democrats against Ron Paul. Other Ron Paul supporters have been illegally thrown into jail on trumped up charges, but still show their support for Ron Paul as the picture on the left shows.
[edit] Money Bombs
The most famous aspect of his campaign are his supporter's money bombs, planted at the opposition's campaign events. Untrustable with real money and paranoid of the banking system, the primary material used as the money in these explosives are solid gold coins. The biggest of the money bombs was constructed in a single day on December 16, 2007 on the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party constructed with over $6,000,000 in gold coins. It exploded in Times Square during a speech orated by Rudi Giuliani, injuring him and five hundred of his supporters and innocent bystanders. Another smaller money bomb was concocted and detonated on November 5, 2007, injuring Hillary Clinton and partially exposing her underlying metallic skin when it exploded just outside the senate. Dick Cheney was also present during the attack, but remained unharmed, the gold being absorbed into his dead heart.
Following numerous death threats by the CIA and many other government organizations, Ron Paul supporters stopped money bombing on a large scale, instead focusing on many small, roadside bombs detonated every day consistently, flattening a tire of the Barack Obama campaign bus.
[edit] The Ron Paul Blimp
Supporters of Ron Paul have pooled money to create a fully operational recreation of a World War I era Zeppelin, complete to the very hydrogen the original balloon used. Although slow and prone to explosion, the lighter-than-air craft has dropped a payload of over 500 pounds of ink and paper copies of the constitution directly over Bill O'Reilly's home, in December 2007 alone. The Zeppelin also delivered the famed money bombs and, responsible for the death of several children and their parents; the message, concerning rigging of the 2000 presidential elections, was engraved onto the heavy gold ingots that killed them.
The Ron Paul blimp eventually exploded while attempting a run to to the white house to drop American flags and constitutions. A secret service agent shot it with a 9mm pistol from the oval office window and the hydrogen decompressed, causing it to explode.
[edit] Total Nomination Failure
Ron Paul has a lot of supporters, more than the other Republican candidates. Unfortunately most of those supporters are young people aged 10 to 17 (yet to be brainwashed by the New World Order), people with a criminal record, illegal aliens, who cannot vote, or Hippies who don't vote anyway because they don't trust the system. As a result Ron Paul was not nominated as the Republican candidate, and has to run as a third party candidate. While a majority of Ron Paul's supporters don't vote, they still contribute campaign money and promote Ron Paul all over the Internet for free.
[edit] Paulitics
Ron Paul operates on the principles of Paulitics, a religious movement which centers him as the deity. Paulitics has several sects, one of them devoted to Dennis Kucinich, although these sects are small. Internet lore claims Ron told his followers the original commandments through electroshock therapy. The ten principles of Paulitics are as follows:
- Not realizing that Paul and Nader are completely antithetical is obviously not retarded.
- The best keys to spread your message is by repeating the same nonsensical verbal diahhrea over and over.
- It doesn't matter what the actual facts are. It's the being rebellious that counts.
- "States rights" obviously isn't a bullshit guise to cover up the fact that completely getting rid of government programs is fucking stupid.
- Buy tin-foil hats on clearance.
- They're not conservative unless they're fiscal conservative
- When in doubt, get rid of every social advancement since the Industrial Revolution.
- When for certain, allow the poor to be fucked.
- It's the media's fault, Obviously.
- Do not listen to the gentiles, no matter how good their points may be.
With these ten principles in mind, Paul's tards scattered across the four regions of the United States, and had spread their message by getting and internet connection (which will be useless when he gets rid of net neutrality) and then discussed them together again. There was no headway in the real world. However, clearing their cache and voting again made them feel more secure.
[edit] Paul I Bring to Crown Him Again -- Nixon Returns
Starting in September 2008, rumors began to surface that former Emperor Richard Nixon indeed had not completely died from the fly-trap attack; instead, it has been increasingly accepted that bits of his soul still flew about the world after the attack in 1994. Coupled with the election "victory" of George W. Bush in 2000, Republican-led government spending developed technology which can combine the fragments of his consciousness together and, essentially, allow him to be born again.
On February 29th, 2008, Bristol Palin - daughter of "hockey mom" and part-time Alaskan governor, Sarah Palin - was given the honor of rebirthing the new "Spawn of Satan", who will be named Richard Milhouse Nixon. His birth was anticipated to be December 25th, 2008... just in time to reclaim the White House following Barack Obama's election.
After the predicted date had passed, psychics in Toronto, Canada discovered that Nixon's soul had got lost on the way to Alaska, and instead had possessed a young Irish national named Bridey Murphy, who was attending a Canadian boarding school at the time of Nixon's possesion. Nixon, with the backing of the IRA, has since created the Quest for Unstoppable Asian Nuclear Turmoil Under Me (QUANTUM), and is planning an invasion of Cambodia. QUANTUM is currently gathering all sorts of creeps, bums, and conservatives, each of whom are ready to defend American values and low gas prices in the name of Richard M. "Bad Ass" Nixon.
QUANTUM states that when Indo-China has been conquered, a coup will be staged to rid America of the "Liberal nuisance" and re-establish Nixon as Emperor of America; by this, QUANTUM has conveniently ignored that current Emperor Ron Paul is also the vessel for Nixon’s soul; however, Paul has said that he does not mind his other soul’s new female form and plans to step down so that the now voluptuous Nixon can regain control of his empire. The future of Ireland is still uncertain, as Nixon may save his new homeland from the impending Nuclear Holocaust, or "Nixonocaust", as QUANTUM plans to change the world forever from within the shadows of Londonderry…
Exspectata tergum ut vestri ortus denuo, Imperator!
[edit] See Also
| Preceded by: Richard M. Nixon | Ninth Emperor of the United States March 15, 1997 – Current | Succeeded by: Incumbent |
