Ronald McDonald

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Steamroller.JPG Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg THIS ARTICLE NEEDS A STEAMROLLER!!! Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg
Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.


But be a bitch! DO IT!!!


Ronald McDonald (Born March 7, 1934) is the true founder of McDonald's and its mascot. He replaced himself as the mascot of McDonald's in 1967, after the original mascot, Speedee, was assasinated by Colonel Sanders, the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC).

Early McLife[edit]

Ronald McDonald's miraculous Mcbirth[edit]

Ronald was born in San Bernardino, California, where the first store of McDonald's was opened. He was born to Michael Moore and his husband The Joker. Although it is unsure of how Michael and The Joker managed to make a baby with 2 penises. The birth itself was a miracle as Ronald came out of Michael Moore's anus. Ronald was an ugly baby, with frizzy red hair, and was an albino.

Ronald McDonald in costume as Homer Simpson chokes Bart Simpson to near death, Ronald: Why You Little...!

McChildhood[edit]

When Ronald started elementary school, he was frequentley bullied. He was mainly bullied because he was extremely shy, and had ratted out the students in his school, Ronald also was tall for his age. Ronald McDonald spent most of his childhood eating burgers. He occasionally ate mcnuggets, but hesitated because they are made of dog crap. this led to diabeetus.

McTeenager[edit]

Ronald McDonald attended South Cox High School, but was quickly expelled out when he was a freshman because he had beat the shit out of the principal, and gave him an RKO. He also took a shit in the sink, in peoples lockers, and on Burger King's head, which is why his head looks so funny. After he was expelled, Mcdonald started doing drug deals with his uncle from kentuckey, no one knows his name but he has glasses and grey hair and a funny white jacket.

Military[edit]

After Ronald was expelled from school he joined the Marines. Where he was a total fuck up given the nickname Homer "I'mma kill you" Simpson by his drill instructor Gunnery Sargent William Hartman. Ronald went nuts one day after he fucked up yet again his bunk mates each put a bar of soap in a tube sock and they gave him a code red. As his bunk mates were beating the shit out of him Gunnery Sargent William Hartman was Filming it and laughing his ass off. Later that night he ran into the toilets and shot his instructor on the toilet taking a shit.


Fast Food Career[edit]

Since Ronald was an ex-Marine and a total fuck up, he couldn't get a good job and had to work at a fast food resturant called the "Sausage Burger" when he was 23. Ronald hated his boss deeply because he would slam Ronald's face into the grill and melest his ass when he would be making a burger. So one day Ronald marched in, kicked the shit out of his boss, killed him with a baseball bat and dumped his body in an open field outside New York. Ronald then claimd responsibility for the "Sausage Burger" and changed the name to "McDonald's" Rival Resteraunts when Mcdonalds was getting big, other resteraunts such as Taco Bell and Burger King started ad campaigns saying Ronald ejaculated into every milkshake. The public was outraged but Ronald stated it was not true. Ronald also found out that he had went to high school with taco bell dog and the burger king. Ronald remembered them, so he hired men to plant explosive dildos in both of their beds. The burger king and the taco bell dog were both killed when they got into burger kings bed, and shoved it up their asses then it immediatley exploded killing both.

Success The food proved popular. More than half of the population has eaten his fat foods. While the food tastes great, it is actually clumps of fried barney shit. Over 9000! people. therefore spreading a new disease called aids.


Soon his business took off, with as many as 5 chains opening a week. But not everything was going well. Suspicions arose about McDonald's former boss whom had went missing before Ronald and stories started to spread that he was putting x-lax in his food. Soon things got serious. A warrant was passed for his arrest after an alleged kidnapping of an American child; it later turned out that the child was Michael Jackson, so McDonald was released.

Upon arriving back at McDonalds he discovered a thief trying to steal his secret recipe (a futile action as McDonalds burgers are made of porn pictures of children.)Ronald couldn't call the police because he reminded them of the Joker (see below), so he decided to rape this person, only to find out that he was a fictional character. Friendship soon followed and the former thief was used in McDonald's advertising campaigns. The Ham Burgler was (metaphorically) born.

But these incidents made the clown see how fragile his position was, he needed to entrench himself in the American psyche. This was the start of a road which would lead Ronald to be an internationally celebrated icon. After wards Ronald Smack Donald fell into a quite a semen drug addiction for a couple of months that ended when he got the the clap flu from a little eskimo boy in bankok.

The Rise and Fall of Ronald McDonald[edit]

McDonald in happier times with one of his Hos and MC Nitro (former member of Blazin' Squad, and ex-gay lover of Barney the Dinosaur)

McDonald was initially signed up for a one-record deal, but after debut album Sex with Edward Cullen(I'm lovin' it) (1986)

Ronald's brother tried seducing children as well (little Barack Obama is pictured), but was sued instead of paid.

went triple-platinum, Sony immediately signed McDonald on for a further 4 albums and gave him the keys to the company washroom, where he would make extra cash and have extra time on the crapper. Ronald McDonald was later heard describing it as the best days of his life.Ronald then released another single in 1989 titled Strangers which encourages children to hop into a stranger's car because they are quite likely to take them to McDonald's. But secretly these cars are working for Ronald and actually they're going to his house.

McDonald couldn't help but lose popularity with each passing single and it seemed he was destined for the big time beating. Fast cars, luxurious mansions, chihuahuas ... he wished for it all. As a hobby he would chew on dildos, until one accidentally vibrated and knocked most of his teeth out. He got much of his talent from his brother, Dick the clown; both of whom used cosmetic surgery in an attempt to further their careers. It was at this point in his life when everything started to go wrong. Firstly, notorious ex-boyfriend Drew pickles told the press that she was expecting a love-child with McDonald. Barney had also expressed his love for Scientology and so was not the ideal mother for McDonald's baby. McDonald denied any relation had ever taken place, but DNA testing later proved otherwise. This affair was detailed in McDonald's 1991 single "Silly Barney". This is the video:[1]

Secondly, McDonald began to push his father, The Joker, out of the limelight with the release of his 1991 EP "Ain't No Jokin' My Joker (I'm the New Clown Prince of Crime)". This lead his whole family to criticize the quality of Ronald's, and eventually publicly denounce him. The Joker now resides on the planet McDonald's Land Def Con 5, with most of the family. He is currently dating Delta Goodrem and Australia's Princess Edna simultaneously, thanks to the country's lax laws on bigamy.

McBankrupt,McDepression,McExecution[edit]

It all started when Colonel Sanders joined in with Taco Bell, and shortly after Taco bell dog "accidentally" getting ran over, increasing the colonels money he rolls in. After owning two businesses, the Colonel felt that he had much unneeded competition, from the likes of McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's. and the almighty Jack in the Box. He realized to make it big he first must take all of them down, and with Jack near untouchable, twisting a confuted plot that making Jack feel safe and convinced when he takes Ronalds, The kings, and Wendy's bank accounts. Ronald losing his business, went into a depression along with the others, his wife Birdie leaving and having to pay for the one night stand, with the girls treating him like dirt. He contemplated suicide sixteen times, and one attempt which left him without a pinky toe on his left foot. The Colonel comes to all 3 restaurant owners plotting to overthrow Jack. All willing to do what it takes, even poor sweet wendy, who had to go to prostitution the last two months, joined in on the scheme.

3 weeks later, Jack was strolling along when The King, Ronald, and Wendy popped from a alleyway holding him up. Ronald got to close and Jack stole his gun and shot point blank range in the forehead. Now Wendy goes into a frantic and Jack permits her to leave since she is a pathetic woman and would feel disgusted wasting a bullet, making run from the scene. During this exchange the king pulled out his meat cleaver and stuck Jack in the chest, expecting death to overcome him, the King runs off; Colonel Sanders was across the street in an apartment of a friends to scout out. Colonel leaves and sees Jack still alive and paramedics rushing in, having the Colonel escape the scene. Jack recovers and sends a a wanted poster to selected people for the King. The king comes to the col asking for help, an over the col can't refuse, feeling it would be the perfect time to eliminate Jack and The King. They confront Jack with the king shooting Jack 67 bullets threw Jacks Styrofoam head before he releaized what had happened. The Col almost immediately kills the King and reported it self defense and said he tried to save Jack, making him a hero.

The Colonel eventually became the number one fast food power internationally, with the competition dead, as Wendy went into a deeper depression and suicide with 15 nyquil pills and vodka. 10 years later the Burger Bandit finds reports of the Colonel consulting Ronald during this period and went to his house at midnight and strangled the Colonel to death, then dying in a mist of bullets when the swat team arrived. Ronald was later resurrected and got back with Birdie and forgot this mishap, stuffing the Burger Bandit and putting him in his office. Jeremy Koerner was then found guilty of the alleged crimes against the colonel. he served two weeks in prison and was forced to eat fried chicken before he was violently drawn and quartered. But Ronalds success didn't last long this time, as the King was soon ressurected by an unknown force. The king is now plotting revenge against the colonel, Jack, and Ronald


Ronald and Birdie's 1st daughter born. Finally, he suffered an attempt on his life, when fellow gangster rapper, the late, great Threepac fired 8 rounds at him with a cabbage-rifle. He survived, but spent the next 4 months in a series of hospitals, as no single hospital would accept him for more than two weeks after a series of other disappearing patients. McDonald recovered and released his new album Mr. T Ain't Got Shit On Me in 1991, which sparked the hit single Butt Fights'. McDonald realised that he could have died in the attempt on his life, and decided to live each day as if it were his last.

Unfortunately, all the limbs were put in a Big Mac.

Ron the McDon[edit]

Ronald, with more power in the food chain industry than ever, has created a racket throughout his food chain in order to insure he would be the only food chain industry in the United States. He hired several McHitmen to kill the Col. and the King. Wendy, who had been resurected, was still in depression, so he didn't need to worry about her. But things went downhill after a few years as a botched attempt on the Col. ended violently.Ronald has since shut down his racket and is slowly in a decline in business.

Ronald in his McDay off[edit]

Now McDonald's life took a turn for the bizarre. He took up several furry creatures as companions and turned them into his new crew (a trait learned from his brother). One of his members, the "Hamburgeler" as he liked to be called, managed to steal several different secret formulas from rivals(Not all burger related). One of the Hamburgekers most notable achievements was the McFlurry, which was a cheaper version of the Dairy Mafia Queen's Blizzard. He also stole the queen's crown jewels and Rosie O'Donald's virginity. His once youthful and boyish good looks were replaced by that of a weathered old man. His locks began to curl and his tanned complexion became more and more pale. It was becoming obvious to all and sundry that something was amiss. His penis took a sharp turn to the left. Yes, that's right kids: Ronald is now 100% gay; as gay as the day is long.

Ronald McDonald just loves children.

This meant that he would work extra hard to seduce men of all ages with his fast food chain.The Burger King thinking Mcdonald was crazy killed Ronald ,but it was just a clone. He slaughtered and served several women who ate there once they were fat enough, and sold them off to men hungry for oral sex. He calmed down after getting pregnant with his first child, but a warehouse full of bead meatbags would later lead to an arrest. Mcdonald said "It was Burger King's Fault!!!", "I'll Kill Him!!!".

Appearing on an Oprah special in the mid 80s, McDonald told the millions watching that he was happy in his life and that everything was fine. He also made it quite clear that he was not undergoing cosmetic surgery again, and try to remake his old face. Despite his lies, evidence that his face was undergoing some kind of transformation was finally obvious when he was spotted out shopping complete with large bulbous red nose and a fake vagina. Those closest to him who have agreed to speak to the media have blamed McDonald's clown-like appearance on his obsession with the circus and the countless times as a child when his father whipped him to within an inch of his life while dressed like a ringmaster.Vagina.

The characteristically orange overall is from his days at Guantanamo Bay. It was after a birthday party in McDonald's, Kabul, where he terrorized kids with stupid jokes, balloons and singing. He was detained and immediately deported to Guantanamo.

McArrest[edit]

On August 28th, 1989, McDonald was detained at Fort Lauderdale International Airport and later arrested for attempted Big Mac smuggling. He was returning from a "spiritual vacation" (read "underage sex holiday") in Afghanistan and his suitcase was filled almost entirely with Big Macs and McBig McDildos, and mcchildslaves. McDonald took a plea bargain and served just six months in gay men prison, but wanted to stay longer because he enjoyed raping men in the showers. Inside. While He Even Loves Birdie The Early bird to improve her shit After being released from Gay Men Prison there was an incident at the Mcdonalds shit fest. A 25 year old women received third degree burns from spilling coffee on herself. A later interview with the faggot himself, Ronald apologized and had finally outed his embarassing addiction to sticking his penis in hot coffee. Ronald ran away, leaving customers staring at their coffee.

In 2004, McDonald was caught at a diner in Mississippi, ass fucking little boys in the washroom. He was arrested and put away in the local prison in Kosciusko, where he was let out on bail by a "mystery man". He also pleaded guilty to calling the payphone at a diner in New Jersey every night at exactly midnight since 1998 looking for "manly love" It was even covered in the hit magazine, Weird N.J.. When asked for comment he replied "I need a man badly, I can't live without one!"

In 2008 he was arrested for removing lettuce from every tenth Big Mac sold, replacing it with Marijuana however he was released after giving the marijuana to the judge saying "It will make you happy and send you on a wonderful adventure"

However it is suspected that marijuana is still a secret ingredient in the making of the Big Mac due to several children and toddlers have been reported seeing Ronald raping them. However, it is unknown if these raping hallucinations really were side effects due to a rash found down under in the shape and colours of Ronald McDonald's head.

Ronald proved these further marijuana allegations wrong when he ate a Big Mac and at first he was fine then later in the month he was reported to have raped a GIRL. That is when everyone knew marujuana was in the burger. He was in a "Correctional Rape facility" for two months

McClones[edit]

Ronald using the Shadow Clone jutsu.

Ronald has the ability to create shadow clones. It is to be noted that his chakra, and hamburgers, is evenly spread between him and the other clones. Any serious blow inflicted upon the clones causes them to transform into a pile of fries and evaporate, causing the unused chakra nad hamburgers to return to the original. The technique requires a human sacrifice for each clone created, explaining the constant need for McDonalds employees. Ronald uses this technique so often, that he it has become his signature move.

It vibrates!.

Customers receive a life time supply of these mcdonalds vibrators only if they ask for the "mythic mac pac"

McDonald's Business Life[edit]

Ronald wages war on Colonel Sanders

McDonald is not just renowned for his worldwide raping rapping weird singing status. "status". He is now in fact the head of the 'McDonald's' corporatio.nIn November 1996, a failing businessman by the name Ray Croach approached the rapper after hearing of his triple-platinum failure. He did not know the reason why his fast food joint, Salmonella, was sub ceding but believed a new face like Ronald McDonald's would make it look better. After months of being stalked and receiving hate mail, McDonald gave in to Kroc and signed a $10 million contract that would almost overshadow his rap career.

During his early years, McDonald was interested in the adult entertainment business. His main partner was Ronald McJeremy in the production of the movies San Francisco: Wild Nights, I'm So Ronny Tonite, Eat My Big Mac and Ron v. Ron: The Sex of the Century.

Together, McDonald and Kroc created the world's top food corporation, knocking KFC from the long held position. The mixture of addictive crap food and a clown rapper was just too irresistible to America and children of the world. With this initial success, McDonald decided send the other members of his rap group Mc Unit to countries around the globe and spread the chain's grasps. Big P tripled the yearly gross; Miss Birdie Fly proved a hit in 5 countries; Kid Fiddler however did not seem to have any appeal.

With his change in appearance, McDonald became obsessed with his fast food chain. He fired Kroc and entitled himself, 'de Furher' of McDonald's. Seeing that he was the biggest success with children, he began to invite them to his McRanch, calling them the McKiddies. No one was to know what went on in his ranch until 2005. He also added supersize option to every meal, but had to cut down the size after the disastrous 'Supersize Pee' documentary. The kids remained untouched. After being fired, Kroc went into television underneath the motormouth name Alton Brown.

McDonald today[edit]

McDonald in happier times, on the cover of his fourth studio album

McDonald's 1995 albums: Yo Kids Need to Eat Yo Food to Grow Up Phat Like Me and Shut Yo' Fuckin' Face, Bitch! , which were finally released to non-McDonaldians in September 2005 was an immediate flop, shifting just 8 copies in a two week period and spelling financial disaster for McDonald. This had been just the icing on the deep fried cake that is McDonald's downfall. With no extension to his current record deal, McDonald had taken to releasing Greatest Hits album after Greatest Hits album before leaving Sony to join independent label, "Shit Music" and recently released his new solo project "Ron - By Request Only" - a modern take on the easy listening classics of yesteryear.

McDonald has recently been under the spotlight for his controversial scheme to give money to fellow rappers if they include references to his fast food chain in their music and following further allegations that he had been allowing children to sleep in his bed, he was taken to court and narrowly acquitted of being involved with five child actors within the space of four months. Ronald McDonald may also own part of your penis/vagina. He currently controls every kid with these:

Ronald recently opened a charin of Booger King resturaunts that serve poisonous food to the customers in the hope that people would sue Burger King for all of there problems.

Recently McDonald was sued for bait and switch at a Pittsburgh Booger King. During the trial the brother and bodyguard of the victim ,Ross Lugar and Alex Stoyanoff , attacked Ronald and damaged his face beyond reconition. Ronald has decided to go under the knife once again to repair his face.

In May of 2009 Ronald announced he is in a relationship with the fameous politition Bob Barr and that they will be married in June.

McDonald recently purchased the Arby's chain in a useless effort to destroy Burger King.

But We All Know Fred's Snack Station of Loughborough, Sells Miracle Burgers and Will Eventually make McDonalds His Biatch

When not harassing infants and hamburgers, Ronald enjoys spending time with his best friend.

Ronald and the McTarot[edit]

McMystic

DONALDO. Enjoys giving sexual favours to those that order the "mythic mac pac"

For a short time in Japan, Ronald was a tarot card reader operating under the pseudonym "DONALDO" (Japanese : ドナルド) He gave up his tarot reading practice and renounced his New Age views on religion when he discovered that tarot cards were originally made for games. He now thinks its more fun to play card games with tarot cards and has become the tarot game movement's most well known spokesperson.

True McDentity[edit]

Many Police officers have tried to discover who Ronald McDonald truly is and why he commits horrible crimes. Finally on August 24th 2008, they made a horrific discovery. They discovered that in Ronald McDonald is in reality the son of Batman's arch foe, The Joker. Ronald was taken into custody and confessed it all. He had left many signs about this identity, such as his famous quote "Put a Smile on" and "We love to see you smile". Ronald confessed that his food was his deadliest weapon and that he planned to have America eliminated. He then broke free of his chains and ran laughing and jumped out the window (forgetting it was the seventh floor). McDonalds scooped up his body and made him into a Happy Meal!


The Joker denied reports that Ronald McDonald was his son, saying that Ronald McDonald "was a fucked up clown to begin with. He wasn't my son and to this day I never laid claim on him. I'm glad that hasbeen met his fate!" DNA tests proved that the self proclaimed King of Fast Food was NOT the son of the Clown Prince of Crime.

Discography Mc[edit]

McDonald before his second surgery, on the artwork of a classic album.
Ronald in happier times, after his album of the time went gold.

Sony Music International (First Time)

  • 6-Piece Chicken Dinner and Large Fries, Y'all! (1988)

Chrysalis

  • Strangers (1989)

Sony Music International (Second Time)

  • Mr. T Ain't Got Shit on Me (1991)
  • Ain't No Jokin' My Joker (I'm the New Clown Prince of Crime) (An EP released to attack his father, The Joker) (1991)
  • Ya Fucked Now, Fatass! (An EP released in response to the Ron Jeremy supposedly getting fat from McDonald's) (1992)
  • McDonald's in Da House (Just Call and We'll Deliver to Yo' Door) (1993)
  • Royale With Cheese (1994)
  • Yo' Kids Need to Eat Yo' Food to Grow Up Phat Like Me (1995) now just $0.99!
  • Big n' nasty (suck these mcnuggets) feat:Snoop Dogg (Off Snoop Doggs upcoming album titled: "Puppy fucker")
  • The Clown Who's Down (ICP diss) off Ronalds new album: "Straight clownin"
  • I want to Fry like an eagle (steve miller remix)feat Willam Hung'ry (also off "straight clownin")

Phat, Inc.

  • Fuck Dat Count Burgula's (2000)
  • Birdie the early bird's uncle is hidden from McDonald's Breakfast Meals (2000)
  • Big Mac Makes You Phat (2000)
  • That Shit Ain't Mine (A spoken word album in retalliation to recent child-porn/food poisoning accusations) (2001)
  • Run Coyote's or You're Mah Bitch (2001)
  • Colonel Sanders Sucks Less Dick Than Me ('Cause He Ain't Got Kids) (2002)
  • Run Phat Man, Run (2003)
  • What'd Ya Say 'Bout a Ho's Fillet-o-Fish? (2003)
  • Carl's Nigga Star Up the Ass (2004)
  • Bitch Mac: Da Big Mac! (2004)
  • Niggaz Ain't Ready for Chicken Selects! (2005)
  • Fuck That Nigga Burger King! (2006)
  • Not anything too hard (This album calls Birdie the early bird pleasing her husband NOT how to be STUPID

Vaginal STD Records

  • McFlurry From the Toilet (2007)
  • Turn You in to a Big Mac Pimp (2007)
  • Blood Ketchup (The Joker Diss Part II) (2008)
  • Walken Can Suck My Straw (Diss to the Walken who shot him in a drive by - MC Ronald would eventually survive six shots to the face) (2008)
  • Hamburglar's Mom (Has Got it Going On) (Hamburglar diss tape) (2007, uncovered in 2008)
  • Wendy Ain't Nothin' But a Ho!!! (In My Garden) (A sell-out album available to kids) (coming 2009)
  • Nigga, I'm Broke (coming 2009)
  • Grimace Can Fuck Off cause The Clown is Back! (Grimace diss tape) (1996) (Just Discovered)
  • I'm Lovin the drips from my Cock (Single) (2009) (From the album Pubes in my mouth)
  • Cum Shot America (Single) (2009) Released June 2009, Collaboration With Marilyn Manson
  • Armagoddmanmotherfuckinmcdonald (Single) (2010)

Cw

  • The High End Of The Fall Of Mcdonalds(2009 Album awaiting release)
  • Running To the edge of the frie (Single) (November 2009)


In addition, Ronald has sang backup vocals on a number of top ten singles, including Peg by Steely Dan, Steal Away by Robbie Dupree, and Magnet and Steel by Walter Egan. Shortly after His Live8 duet with Eminem, he appeared as "Young Alex" in flashback scenes in Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange Soda.

McActors[edit]

At any given time, there are dozens, or possibly hundreds, of actors retained by McDonald's to appear as Ronald McDonald in restaurants and events. It is assumed, however, that the company uses only one actor at a time to play the character in national television commercials. Following is a list of such primary Ronald actors.

McReferences[edit]


Just in case you couldn't be bothered to read all that, the point we were trying to get across was that Ronald is a sick pedophile, that's accordong to Yucko the Clown who wants to rip his throat out the next time he sees him in public.

See Also[edit]


Mr._T
   v  d  e
All-American Role Models and Rejects
Adam West | Aunt Jemima | Billy Mays | Blue Beetle | Bob Knight | Bob Saget | Bruce Campbell | Burger King | Cheese Jesus | Christopher Walken | Chuck Norris | Clint Eastwood | Count Chocula | Dolph Lundgren | Eric Cartman | George Carlin | The Green Hornet | Joe Camel | Hillary Clinton | Hanson | Knight Rider | MacGyver | Mr. T | Napoleon Dynamite | Pedobear | Pillsbury Doughboy | Rick Astley | Ronald McDonald | Sean Connery | Sarah Palin | Sloth | Trix Rabbit | Uncle Ben | Vanilla Ice | William Hung | Willy Wonka | Wonder Woman | Yogi Bear | Your Mom