Henry Weinhard's Root Beer
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File:YoumustdieFile:This is the homestar runner he's a trrific altleteHenry Weinhard's Root Beer is a goat-testicle flavoured, industrial strength alcohol of dubious quality. It is manufactured in Northern Oregon by a group of ninja monk angel nuns known as The Who. The drink is prized for giving the imbiber the intensely coveted ability to turn beavers into gold.
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[edit] The Tediously Mundane Naming of Henry Weinhard's Root Beer
This barely drinkable cleaning product got its name partly from the primary ingredient, root beer, and partly from the great sensei "Henry Weinhard". Henry Weinhard earned his last name from his incessant whinning at summer camp, but when trying to steal a new first name from Shakespeare he failed tragically. It is an embarrassing story and he doesn't want to tell anyone about it. Inexplicably, an (allegedly) sober David Beckham tried to pry the story out of Henry. She kidnapped him and bludgeoned his head repeatedly with a crowbar. Ultimately, her interrogation proved fruitless.
[edit] How to make Henry Weinhard's Root Beer
- Obtain a rusty bathtub and fill it with honey.
- Puree some haggis and pour the foul goop into the bathtub.
- Take freshly plucked hairs off from an Abominable Snowman. Grind them into powder with a mortar and pestle.
- Wipe God's underarms with an old sock. Add it to the bathtub.
- Pour a bottle of extra slutty olive oil into the fowl-smelling concoction. If said concoction does not smell like fowl, you had best seek a mortician.
- Pour the entire mess into a recently desecrated Holy Grail and shake well.
- Once you have done the things above you will now have to strain the concoction through the diapers of thirty three and a half babies and one monkey.
- Next you must pluck one pubic hair from the infamous buckethead and braid it with two other hairs of a werewolf and one of a norwegian willy goat
- pour back into Holy Grail and serve with ice.
[edit] Health Warning
Keep in mind that while having sexual intercourse with Root Beer, you should never wear a condom. Wearing a condom greatly increases the chances of getting any sexually transmitted disease.
Chances are, your shlong will shrivel, because there is an unknown compound in Root Beer known as "CHEMICAL X". Your weiner will then be turned into the perfect little girl, Blossom, Bubbles, or Buttfuck. Using their ultra super powers, they fight crime. Another health hazard is herpes. Everyone who drinks Root Beer more than once a day, gets HERPES. Yeah, I have it, and you do to. To rid of the HERPES, you must have sex with the generic Root Beer, A.K.A...Mug. There is an unknown chemical in Mug also known as "Chemical Y". It will make you into the perfect little boy, Tommy, Go Diego Go!, or Robby Rotten. You're never going to get rid of the herpes and stay the same. Remember, Root Beer is the reason your Dad beats your Mom, and the reason your girlfriend/boyfriend left you for your best friend. Side effects of drinking Root Beer include, but are not limited to: Fatness, getting more fat, becoming Irish and ridding of the word "Root", getting a little more fat, bloatedness, bad teeth, anal leakage, penis leakage, nipple leakage, sweatiness (Especially in scrodum area), fatness, fatness, fatness, having sex with your cousin, gaining an undying love for "Turtles", becoming gay, fatness, farting, gaining hate for McCain (In other rare cases, one will also despise Obama), enjoyment of "High School Musical", love for "The Jonas Brothers", want for Miley Cyrus' tight little asshole, crave for a sandwich, and bombing the Pentagon.
[edit] Worldwide Sales
Nobody really cares about actual figures or estimates, except for maybe Republicans. However, executives are working on a fancy, yet irrelevant and poorly made, line graph to keep people happy. A preview of this graph will be unavailable in 2074, and the whole idea will probably be scrapped anyway.
One drinker of the drink says "it's beer, heavy on the root".
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