Rosetta Stone was a gossip columnist for one of the many tabloid newspapers of the ancient world. One of Stone's columns was found by Napoleon Bonaparte when he decided to invade Egypt one sunny Sunday for "shits and giggles". It was lying in an ancient tomb guarded by a ferocious fire-breathing zombie who was role-playing at the time.
Napoleon lost half of his 120,000 men in what was known as the Battle for Middle-Earth where he attempted to recover the Stone column from the zombie, believing it to be the Philosopher's stone and thus contain the key to infertility. He was quite pissed off when it wasn't.
The Rosetta Stone text is comprised of three articles, and proved to be the key in deciphering the long lost language of the Elves. The three articles are as follows:
- "Oscar Wilde in another sex scandal"
- "Pharaoh enraged after vandals graffiti his pyramid"
- "Atkins Diet still has yet to be discovered"
These provide a huge amount of detail in the lives of the ancient Egyptians around the time of the Fall of Man.
The Stone column itself was stolen from Napoleon by the British at the Battle of Waterloo. Not knowing what to do with it, they founded the British Museum so they could have somewhere to put it. Consequently, the French gave up in every war ever since and cried like a little bitch about it, in order to manipulate the British Government into giving them back the Rosetta Stone using pity as a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
Rosetta Stone is also notable for publishing the first ever Yo Momma joke, made by the Emperor Nero. The literal translations tie with popular Neo-Fantasy books. All Lord of the Rings characters deny this, and claim that "Saruman did it!". Exactly what Saruman did is unclear.
A weird LSD-poopin' band call Tool got a track called "Rosetta Stoned" on their one of their albums but the bandmembers were probably stoned as always while writing the song, so there shouldn't be any bizarre conspiracy behind it. Or is there?