Roy Mustang

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Roy and "his" harem. The dog is just in this picture by accident. I hope.

Roy Mustang is a popular pyromaniac (and closet nymphomaniac) from the anime series "Fullmetal Alchemist". He is based off the real life leader of Amestris, Fuhrer Roy Mustang. By the way, everything here is totally false (except for SOME correct facts).

A Summary[edit]

Roy begins the series as a lowly Lieutenant Colonel in the Amestris army. Which means that basically he gets to sit in a desk and spend most of his days sleeping and dreaming about Riza and him doing it. Alongside him works First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc, Sergeant Master Kain Fury (the bestialist), Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda and Warrant Officer Vato Falman. Also for the first part of the series he is accompanied by Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes, who dies a slow, horrible, agonising and irony-filled death at the hands of the transvestite palm tree Envy. However he is then resurected by the alchemist Homoheim, but dies yet again when Dr. Eggman accidentally sits on him, mistaking him and his family pictures for food.

In the series he is known as the Flame Alchemist, as a result of him being able to alter the oxygen content in the air to create huge flames from the sparks of his kink spark gloves. The gloves aparrently came from a Dollar Store in New Maxico, which is probably why they only work about 1/3 of the time. He uses these flames to kill young orphans, doctors, and puppies; the last which has earned him great respect from Tatsuhiro Monou, a psychiatric patient who believes puppies are agents of C.I.A. out to rape him.

In the end of the anime, Roy loses his eye by laughing too hard at Archer and is then raped in the eye socket by the Egyptian Sun god Ra and subsequently resulted in him turning into a pirate and being demoted in the army. To this day, he still sees Ra, who watches Roy and Riza have sex on Roy's desk when he should be doing paperwork.

He'd eventually bounce back from this and become ruler of Amestris after the "suicide" of King Bradley, also known as Pride. He would later go on to rule the world and become over 9000.

He's also trying to conquer Finland and become a new President for the country. He says that Conan O'Brien's red hair makes his head ache, and he wants to make the world even a little better place replacing some mishappenings there. He says that he would get popular (... why in the hell) singer Antti Tuisku out from Finland to the world's garbage, Sweden. Jean Havoc would still be his queen there, however.

In order to earn enough money to bribe his superiors into helping him take over the world and to buy more designer miniskirts, Roy began selling action figures of himself. However, his plan backfired when people discovered that the figures contained lead paint

He also had a short-lived musical career, in which he performed several songs:

  • Tsuki No Uragawa (Title translates roughly to "I'm feeling like shooping whoop this evening".)
  • Shounen Yo, Shinjiru Nakama Yo, in which his subordinates provided backup vocals (Title translates roughly to "You are all my bitches".)
  • Ame No Hi Wa No Thank You, a duet with Riza Hawkeye (Title translates roughly to "No Thank You, I do not want to tap that".)
  • Creak My Desk, with Riza Hawkeye and Kain Fury providing backup vocals. The majority of this track is comprised of sexual-sounding moans.
  • Hagaren no Kokoro (Title translates roughly to "Suck it, ho")


This is a photo of Roy and his "partner" Edward Elric right before they're about to "get it on". Riza, who doesn't want anyone to interfere with her relationship with Roy, refuses to let him take this picture out. She also refuses to let him ride in hot air balloons.

In the anime series, it is shown that all Roy and Riza have for a relationship is angst and emo shit. Fuck the anime.

In the manga series, Roy has been trying for years to get in bed with Riza and then the fucking Fuhrer makes her get up and leave him forever. Roy then moves on to someone who willingly gets in bed with him, Edward Elric.

In the anime series it is heavily implied that Roy is having a secret, hot, sweaty, sexual relationship with Jean Havoc. This relationship is believed to be centered around Roy's desk, often used as a makeshift bed. Later, his other subordinates would be invited in on the fun, and there is much orgying.

In manga the story almost the same, except that they did have more angsty past. Mustang and Huges (not Havoc :P) were in a war and there was much sobbing, angst and emo involved. It was then discovered that Roy does not have AIDS, but the pool does. Havoc also became paraplegic after getting drunk and being forced into particularly rough, non-consensual sex with the homunculus Envy. There was much angst, until Mustang discovered Havoc could still get an erection. After that, the mood was vaguely brighter.

The Eye patch[edit]

In the fandom, Roy's eye patch is used as a hint to the angstyness of the fanfiction. It has been discovered by many scientists that the size of the patch is directly proportional to the angstyness. Therefore the angst must be equal to the size of an eye patch times by a constant.

Where A is the angstyness in angst-roms (not to be confused with Angstroms) k is a constant and E is the size of the eye patch in hectares. After much investigation, mathematicians have deduced that k is equal to exactly 20,345990.987.

An example of this is the average (poorly written) Maes flashback fanfiction:

What Roy cannot do.[edit]

Roy can't do this; mainly because it doesn't involve a phallic shape and a red lizard.

- See through his left eye.

- Be happy in The Conquerer of Wambamshamalam.

- Pretty Guardian Sailor Mustang transformation, without his eyepatch.

- Heal paraplegia.

- Regrow eyeballs.

- Alchemy without his gloves.

- Catch a weasel

- Fly a UH-60 Black Hawk (this one rocks!!)

- Say something sexual without giggling

- Speak Spanish

- Stand in front of a fan

- Go swimming

- Be exposed to the rain

- Take off his clothes

- Shave someone

- Ride a hot air balloon without Riza Hawkeye bitching about it.

- Get off the Elric Bros. back!

- Read brail

- Huff kittens

- Drink skooma

- Believe it's not butter

- Paperwork

- Kill Ra

- Drive well

- Play Mario Kart Double Dash

- The apple mango tango

- Save any vaguely important characters.

- Bring back Ed's mom

- See in 3D



“That's my bitch.”

~ Riza Hawkeye on Roy Mustang

“Colonel Mustang is dead sexy... in a miniskirt.”

~ Edward Elric on Roy Mustang

“Big brother..please...calm down..he's not THAT bad...”

~ Alphonse Elric on Edward Elric's View of Roy Mustang

“He only thinks Riza loves him. Eventually he'll realize that I'm the only one for him~!”

~ Jean Havoc on His fantasies about Roy Mustang

“And what are you going to do about it, bitch?”

~ Riza Hawkeye on the above quote

“That's what I thought.”

~ Riza Hawkeye on the silence following the above quote


~ Some random guy on Roy Mustang

“Someone should make a hentai with HIM!”

~ Some perverted fangirl on Roy Mustang

“OMGZ!!1 ED/ROY 4EVA!!!1”

~ Writer of bad fanfiction on Roy Mustang and Edward Elric. You can thank

“Iuiwuehdj! Iedjskajsbfbs... skjheisjdsk? ieuoiwjqoijiwojeiwqeqi!!!!!”

~ Roy's Mother (probably Ritzweraldreginstoredannabella Mustang) on Roy Mustang

“HAHA! That little bitch is still fucking her?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Roy Mustang

“Roy and I have a lot in common. We both hate water, and we both date women who bitch too much and like to kill people.”

~ Sonic the Hedgehog on Roy Mustang

“That bastard Roy Mustang. I was outside grilling hot dogs with my bare hands, when he ran past me with his little Abercrombie miniskirt, when he burnt my hotdogs to a crisp. Then I ripped of my manly shirt, flexed my manly mucsles and roundhouse kicked him into next Saturday. I didn't see him until the Saturday after that, where he was in the Hospital suffering seviere kidney damage and blood loss.”

~ Chuck Norris on his envy-induced fantasies of Roy Mustang

“Back off Riza, he's mine!”

~ Edward Elric on Riza's infatuation with the Colonol


~ Riza Hawkeye's gun on the above quote

“Why Roy? You barely pay any attention to me. You're always off fucking everyone else, and I get lonely too...”

~ Sgt. Fuery on Roy Mustang