Rubber Duck

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This article is about the toy Rubber Duck. For the North American bird, see Rubber duck.
A killer’s apprentice

For generations, young children have bathed with bright yellow rubber ducks, but what parents have long supposed were nothing more than cute, harmless toys are designed for a much more nefarious purpose, animal rights advocates reveal.

Chesty Pamela Anderson

Actress Pamela Anderson, famous for her surgically enhanced bosom and her blonde I. Q., is an outspoken spokesperson for People for the Exaltation of Transcendent Animals (PETA). According to the blonde bombshell, her, “Rubber ducks were designed by evil hunters as decoys to lure unsuspecting mama ducks into a killing zone.” Set adrift upon a lake or a river, the yellow ducks bob “blithely along,” she says, “seemingly without a care in the world,” but they are so small that their presence in the water frightens any mother duck who happens to spot them, and they waddle to the rescue, only to be “assassinated by cowardly hunters hiding in duck blinds.” There is nothing deadlier than a rubber duck, the big-bosomed star contends. Like her fellow animal rights advocates, the top heavy actress-become-animal-rights-proponent wants the manufacture of rubber ducks to end “like yesterday.”

Design[edit]

Mickey Mouse’s evolution: neoteny at work

The features of the rubber duck are designed specifically to enhance the juvenile appearance intended by its manufacturer by mimicking an evolutionary process known as neoteny. The same process was used by artists at the Walt Disney Studios to soften the features of Mickey Mouse. The rubber duck’s head is disproportionately large in comparison to its body because such a ratio is characteristic of young offspring, since, in the uterus, the head develops before and grows faster than the other end of the fetus. The young also have larger, lower eyes; bulging cheeks; smaller jaws; and a more prominent skull than adults. When legs and feet exist, they are shorter and pudgier than adults’ counterparts.

The correlation between neoteny and affection

True Purpose![edit]

“These design features are no accident,” the well-endowed actress declares. “According to some scientist [Konrad Lorenz], juvenile features elicit nurturing and affection in adults.” In other words, the jiggly actress translates, “Rubber ducks are cute on purpose, to lure mama ducks to their deaths.”

PETA Plea[edit]

The bosomy PETA spokesperson pleads with human mothers everywhere: “Stop buying rubber ducks; they’re luring hundreds, even thousands, of animals to a cruel, untimely, unnecessary, and gory death!”


Note: This article has been edited for sexist language under the requirements of The American Feminazi Society for Linguistic Equality and Feminine Superiority.

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