Rugby League

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“No! only Polynesians play Cross-country Wrestling. ”

~ Australian Rules fans on Rugby League

“Don't call me dat yo muthafuckin' racist!”

~ Niggas on Rugby League players

“BORING!”

~ Anyone who isn't from New South Wales or Queensland on Rugby League

“Mungoes!”

~ Rugby Union on Rugby league

“Rugby What?”

~ AFL on Rugby League

“Get the hell out of our country you Poms!”

~ Footy fans on Rugby League

“What a crunching tackle he really put some hurt into that one.”

~ Ray Warren on every tackle made in every game that he commentates

“Rugby YOU RULE!.”

~ Meatheads on Rugby in general

“Nothing beats tight sweaty men running at each other”

~ The Ultimate Warrior on Suspect body contact

“Aussie Rules is better at least our players don't shoot every nigga they see.”

~ Anyone who isn't a Polynesian Roogby brew.

“Oi Tekemattatmaphucka lets play some fully sick league ay bro.”

~ Polynesians on Rugby league


Rugby League is a game played by individuals of questionable racism (Michael Richards in particular), populating the eastern states of Straiya, New South Wales, Victoria and Queensland, Papua New Guinea, France, Tonga, Fiji, Russia, Lebanon, United States and United Kingdom. Rugby League was invented as an alternative for athletes who didn't want the type of heart-pumping exercise that occurs in sports, but tend to dabble. In much of the developed world, rugby union is rugby league’s arch-enemy. Rugby league therefore requires players to; have a skull atleast a metre thick.


History of THE GAME[edit]

Birth[edit]

The game of Rugby League was created in 1895 when most of the rugby union players were unable to turn up to work on Saturday, and did not get workers compensation - totally contrary to civil liberties. As a result, a new organisation called Northern Union was established to cater for those people who are not rich enough to just play rugby on the weekend without pay (tough luck, really). Common working class peasant oiks should have been working down coal mines and in cotton mills - not being allowed to play rugger! Absolutely nothing to do with Australians at this time.

Growth of the Game[edit]

It started as a lump...(wrong)

Originally, two teams contested the inaugural premiership (not true): South Sydney Rabbits and Newtown Bluebags (later renamed Hip-Cool Cappucino Sippers)- wrong. It soon expanded to an 8-team premiership (wrong )as rugby players quickly realised that they get paid for actually playing rugby league (correct). The rugby union hierarchies gave those rebel players slaps on the wrist by banning them for life. Please re-write this including a form of reality and ignoring any australian historical bullshite.

Golden Era[edit]

The lure of paid weekend entertainment soon proliferated the working-class of Sydney, and not before long (well, almost 90 years), 20 teams contested the 1995 premiership, from places far and wide such as Perth and Brisbane (although critics suggested that a team from Auckland is, literally, taking it too far).

Uncle Rupert[edit]

Uncle Rupert from Lews Nimited decided he liked rugby league so much that he’d make his own competition called ‘’’Super Greed’’’. As a result the game almost died.

Today[edit]

Today, the premier rugby league competition is run by the NRL, or “New South Wales and no other states allowed Rugby League” (not to be confused with Naval Research Laboratory). Other terms for it is "Night-clubbers & Racists League" or just simply "National Racists League". It has to be considered as, "one of the most 'male physical' sports in Australia and I like it"- MP Bob Brown AFL and League still fight a lot over who is the most 'blackest' game, but we all know league is as it's white men on black men for 40 minutes.

International Scene[edit]

Rugby League is the most popular game in the world and is played by everyone, all of the time. No other sports exist. Just close your eyes and cover your ears, clap and count to three. According to League fans.

The Nazis[edit]

Rugby league was by far the most popular professional sport in Europe until a series of rugby league hating Nazi and fascist governments outlawed the game in almost every super power including: Russia (world champions, 1917), Germany (European 13 nations series winners, 1926), and Italy (2nd 19 times in a row, European 13 nations series, 1902 - 1921).

By the late 1938 the vast majority of Europe's premier league players had been rounded up and either executed of locked up in the infamous "league training camps" at the pleasure of Nazi Germany. A fee was paid by the German administration for each league player brought in. this fee contributed a significant part (16%) of Italy's 1937 budget surplus, allowed Germany and Italy to form a close relationships. and enabled them to enter World War II as the Axis Alliance.

The idea of "league training camps" has once again reared it's ugly head in Australia (of all places) where public outcry is forcing the government to take steps against rampaging rugby league players wreaking havoc on Friday night society, Canterbury Troublemakers being the main offenders.

Clubs[edit]

Current Clubs[edit]

The NRL currently features at least 16 teams, possibly more. NRL adminstrators aren’t really sure how may teams there are because they once set up a few teams in Adeliade and Perth but haven’t bothered to go over and check their progress. These are the current teams that we know of:

Club Premierships Notes
Auckland Worriers Should have at least 1, possibly less Guys from over the ditch
(My Little) Brisbane Ponies More than many. About 6. In bed with Uncle Rupert, Oh Yeaaaaaaaah!
Canberra Horny-People Were good in the late 80s, early 90s. Kind of like Guns N' Roses Politics is boring
Canterbury Troublemakers Won the premiership while cheating the salary cap about 2000 times.All their fans are fucked in the head and up the arse. drunk citizens in the community
Cronulla Nemos When dogs learn how to speak Ancient Greek (never) Strong hatred of St. George Dragqueens and Canterbury Puppies.
Eastern Suburbs Chickens Loads, but there will never be any more. Formerly known as Trendy Latte Sippers
Gold Coast Giants/Seagulls/Gladiators/Chargers/Dolphins/Titans As many as it has team names, divided by zero (that would equal infinity). Team plans to fold at least twice through the season.
Manly Pigeons I dunno. Lets say 6 (or however many they can buy off of the ref) Everyone hates Manly. The reason they're called Manly is because they're a bunch of homoes.
[Melbourne Snow Storms] It's Melbourne, so not very many

are taking over AFL as the main sport. should go get a life! They get a lot of storms "down there" (You know what I'm talking about).

Newcastle Tin-Man Ripoffs 2 Are poor without Andrew Johns. (Despite his contriversies)
Chinatown Eels Probably about five. Everybody loves to hate the worms. The Boogeyman's favourite team. Possibly.
Penrith Pussy's About 2. I’ve got nothing
South Sydney Wankers The South Sydney Wankers enjoyed unrivalled success by winning 20 premierships but haven’t won one (or a game) since 1971 Despite this they’ve still attracted investments from international phone-throwing champion Mr. Russell Crowe. Training has since been kept strictly behind closed doors, and the team’s major sponsor for the 2007 season is rumoured to be Nokia. Formerly known as the South Sydney Killer Rabbits, Bunnies & Brusiers.
St George Dragqueens Won like a bajillion in a row yonks ago. Is like Elle McPherson, old but pleasing on the eye. Choke weekly. They have done shit since "Fucking Mark" Gasnier left.
North Queensland Brokeback Mountain Fuckwits (they like it up the bum, in the scrum!) None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. South Queensland is nice this time of year.
Wests Kittens Tim "Asshole" Sheens They smell like Matthew Pavlich.

Former Clubs[edit]

Some clubs are no longer with us because Uncle Rupert from Lews Nimited had them exterminated by Teletubbies because they weren’t making quite enough money.

These groups are as follows:

  • Balmain Fighters
  • Dubbo Zoos
  • Hobart Brewers
  • Illawarra Tin-Man
  • Nerang/Birrong CityRail Trains
  • Newtown Hip-Cool Cappucino Sippers
  • North Sydney Labradors
  • North Ryde Numnuts
  • South Queensland/Towoomba Fuckers
  • Sydney University Hooters
  • Western Suburbs Bogans
  • Wet Toast Whatevers
Wingham High Wankers
Western Australian What the Fuck is Rugby League?
  • rugby league is the game of nazies and mongoliens so you should play rugby union because legue is shitt


May they Rest in Peace. Or Pieces.

Rugby League Commentary[edit]

Only a very select few of the wisest and most charismatic people in the world are ever allowed to commentate during a game. At the time of typing those people were Ray "Rabs" Warren, Paul "Fatty" Vautin, Phil “Gus” Gould and Chicka Dostoyevsky. A typical commentary dialogue will go as follows:

Gould: “Oh yeah baby. Like I said at the start the best team is [insert: New South Wales/ Roosters/ Dragons].”
Warren: "Turn it up."
Gould: “Oh yeah baby.”
Warren: "Turn it up, Fatman."
Vautin: “Turn it up yourself, Rabs."
Gould: “Oh yeah baby. Like I said at the start the best team is [insert: New South Wales/ Roosters/ Dragons].”
etc

This is why watching Rugby League is such an enjoyable experience that doesn't make you want to remove and stir fry your own testicles. It is planned in 2008 that Chicka Dostoyevsky will be replaced on the commentary panel because he hasn't made a contribution since he died in 1881.

Years ago the best RL commentary was provided in England by Eddie "eeeh its an up and under" Waring or in Australia by the master of tautology Rex "a head high tackle to the solar plexus" Mossop. The best in recent years are the calls by Roy & HG.

Greatest Players[edit]

Rugby League players who reach a certain level of skill, speed and stamina automatically transform into "immortals". The immortalisation process starts in their pants and then spreads both north and south. Below is the list of immortals:

NUMBER ONE IS DARREN LOCKYER. Even though he sounds like hes been on coke his whole life. "the king" himself says cracksmoker the ponies captain owns him.

1. Wally Lewis

2. Anthony "the man" Mundine

3. Brad "chips likes there's no tomorrow" Fittler

4. Your Dad

5. Plastic Jesus

6. Doctor Who

7. Ned Kelly

8. Thomas Johnson

9. Tutankhamen

10. Bruce Mamando

11 Anthony Colagiuri

12. Johnathan Thurston

13. Kevin Rudd

14. Michael Richards

Once inducted into the "immortals hall of fame", these special players are afforded the privileges of a staff car and dental plan. Andrew Johns is not allowed to be an immortal because he is from Cessnock.

Off the Field[edit]

It is a proven fact that most Rugby League players like to get drunk, have group sex, call black Rugby league players niggas or abuse women in their spare time. Characters such as Matthew Johns and other members of the Cronulla Sharks club were found to have had group sex with a New Zealand woman in 2002. Gross. Additionally, players such as Nate Myles, Willie Mason, Brett Seymour and many more have acted in terrible ways whilst under the influence. Myles, in fact, has been reported to have defecated in the corridor of the hotel he was drunk at. Greg Bird, a former Cronulla Sharks player, has also been charged for glassing his girl friend. In 2010, Andrew Johns stood down as NSW Rugby league assistant coach after saying "What's good Nykkuh?! What's really good?" to Greg Inglis of the Queensland rugby league side when Johns was possessed by the Spirit of Colonel H Stinkmeaner. Johns also said this from 1999-2004 to fellow Newcastle Tin Man Rip-off player Timanah Tahu whenever Johns met Tahu before a game.

Rugby League Spirituality[edit]

Over the years Rugby League has developed its own culture and in 1965 separated from the rest of Australia. The commonwealth of rugby league (CRL) was established in the same year and a constitution established shortly after. The laws of rugby league differ only slightly from those of mainland Australia. For example, sodomy is the conventional form of greeting in the CRL. This can be performed digitally if you are really good mates.

Niggas in Rugby League[edit]

Rugby League loves niggas and has done a lot to make them feel included. An initiative of rugby league was to take away the negative publicity surrounding drive by shootings by rebranding the past time as "heavy nigga target practice". The success of this initiative led to several others, most notably the "Rugby league brutality to niggas" promo of the late nineties. The Canterbury Troublemakers proved to be the most effective club in this campaign, especially after the heavy group car hijackings and drive by shootings of 1999 – 2003, the longest time any team has held the mantle.

A Tool of Mind Control[edit]

As with all sports, Rugby League is basically an advertising vehicle. The mindless unquestioning worship of the game and its logo-encrusted troglodyte participants is drilled into the public consciousness relentlessly by the media on behalf of their corporate masters who have a financial interest in the events. Due to the sheer volume of sport promotion propaganda pumped out daily (often masquerading as "news") it is accepted by a gullible population as having some sort of real-world significance. Convinced that they will be subjected to public ridicule by their peers for failure to follow the sport, the public dutifully line up for tickets. The game itself serves merely as a distraction so that the advertising banners surrounding the field will have a stronger subliminal effect.