Rumil the Sage

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Rumil the Sage was an Elvish journalist and political commentator with the Tavrobel Post. He was best known for his Daeron Prize-winning coverage of the Silmarilgate scandal with his fellow Post reporter Pengolod the Wise, which he and Pengolod turned into the book All the Dark Lord's Balrogs.

Early life[edit]

Rumil was born in Tirion, Valinor in FA 307, the son of Nyrath the Nearly Wise of Cuivienen and Edna the Bossy of Menegroth. His first experience as a journalist occurred at the age of ten, when Rumil and his younger sister Rosemary began producing a household newspaper called the New Tirion Times. Within a week the paper ran into difficulties when Rosemary went on strike for more candy. Rumil brought in their pet dog as a scab, and Rosemary responded by breaking all of Rumil's crayons.

Rumil entered the University of Valinor in 315, where he majored in chronicling. Rumil served as assistant editor of the school newspaper, the University of Valinor Daily Chronicle of Important Events. After earning his Sage degree in 319, Rumil was hired as an assistant copy-editor at the Alqualondë Times-Picayune. An exposé of working conditions at the Happy Halibut fish-processing company in Alqualondë earned him a top spot as an investigative reporter at the Times-Picayune, a position Rumil jettisoned as soon as he was offered a job at the Tavrobel Post in 333.

Silmarilgate[edit]

Thanks to a source within the Morgoth administration known as Dark Throat, Rumil was able to obtain several scoops in the course of the unfolding Silmarilgate scandal in FA 466, including the fact that the Dark Lord Morgoth had been secretly taping his conversations with his chief underlings. In his book on the scandal, All the Dark Lord's Balrogs, Rumil mentioned meeting with Dark Throat several times in an underground stable. It was there that Dark Throat gave Rumil the now-famous suggestion that he "follow the orcs". Rumil and Pengolod were frequently accused of having invented Dark Throat, but they always insisted Dark Throat was a real being. The Silmarilgate scandal crippled the Morgoth administration, and eventually led to Morgoth's resignation from the office of Dark Lord in FA 598. Rumil and his colleague Pengolod the Wise won the Daeron Prize for investigative palantiring in FA 467.

Later years[edit]

Rumil continued to work at the Tavrobel Post, eventually becoming a senior editor. Following his work on the Silmarilgate scandal, he was given a regular column called Rumil Has It. Rumil also took up celebrity journalism during this time, producing the books Cursed: The Short Life and Tragic Times of Túrin Turambar, and The Brethren, a collective biography of the sons of Fëanor. During the Dark Lord Sauron's invasion of Eriador beginning in SA 1693, Rumil was granted access to the Dark Lord's wartime decision-making process, leading to the publication of Sauron at War. Subsequent chronicles in the Sauron at War series appeared following the War of the Last Alliance and the War of the Ring.

The Dark Throat controversy finally came to an end in TA 3019, when Dagmor the Balrog confessed to being Dark Throat shortly before his death at the hands of Gandalf the Wizard.

Books[edit]

Rumil has written more histories of Middle-earth than any other person, despite several suggestions from the Great and the Wise that perhaps Middle-earth didn't need quite so many histories, and that quality was better than quantity. The following is a smattering of his best-known works.

  • All the Dark Lord's Balrogs (FA 467)
  • Cursed: The Short Life and Tragic Times of Túrin Turambar (FA 503)
  • The Brethren (SA 15)
  • Númenor on Ten Copper Pieces a Day (SA 944)
  • Sauron at War (SA 1695)
  • Sauron at War II: Electric Boogaloo (SA 3430)
  • Sauron at War III: State of Confusion (TA 3020)