Run3sc4p3

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“I won!, wait, a virus?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Run3sc4p3
Your starting character. What a champion!

Run3sc4p3[edit]

Not to be confused with Runescape, not much is well known about Run3sc4p3. But what we do know is pretty vague. The game is you start out as a 36-year-old man living in his parent's basement watching Law & Order every single day. The story starts when he one day gets the idea to get off of his lazy ass and do something with his life. Read on and you may one day become....a master?!

Why should you play?[edit]

This can all be prevented by losing your life to this piece of shit!

Since the dawn of mankind, even before Windows for Cavemen, people have posed the question: "Why play Run3sc4p3?" The answer is very complex. There are a number of reasons as to why you should play Run3sc4p3, which include: massive weight gain,protection from numerous STD's (scientists have found that playing runescape is an easy way to eliminate thoses pesky "sex lives") ,increased nail/hair growth, and the instantaneous death of every kitten. Ever. Hell, if you DIDN't play this game, imagine what could happen: Cancer might be cured, Democrats and Republicans might work together to achieve goals for the good of the american people, and poverty might be wiped out! Wow, thats quite a list! That's not all, in addition to those benefits, numerous miracles have been attributed to the playing of Run3sc4p3, including healing wounds in seconds, the answer to life, regeneration of lost limbs, and being gipped randomly. Well, what are you waiting for! Play the damn game! NOW!!!

Beginning[edit]

The game starts out as aforementioned a 36-year-old man living in his parent's basement watching Law & Order. After the episode ends, he calls up his relatively h4wt girlfriend, and inadvertently misses, and instead sticks 'it' in her ear. After this humiliation, the game begins. You see a cocky looking kid riding down the street on a bike. You must beat little Jimmy(for that is the kid's name) to death with a crowbar. You must then take the bike to a smelter,so that you may make it into your first piece of armor...called "The Edge".

The Edge has actually has no armor value, and by being 250+ lbs, you will slowly die from the armor being too small and piercing into your skin, causing tetanus. Thus begins the main part of the game, with the first real quest being your character having to get the armor off and making it to a hospital before he dies...then you go on to beat the game.

Impact on Society[edit]

Run3sc4p3 is not know for its gameplay(which is on a level of Superman 64 suckitude) but rather its ability to conmpletly suck the life out of anyone who plays it. Once proud men slowly lose their ability to act like adults, and embarasss themselves by acting like jag offs, all the while never logging off, and never going outside. Outside of the toaster, this is the most dangerous thing a person could have in their household as people will get attached to the PC(usually referred to a porn center, but not while playing online game such as this) and the life will slowly get sucked out of them. Jesus himself holds the record for longest nonstop playing time, at an impressive nineteen days and four hours, but eventually keeled over from his eyes going blind due to the glare of the computer screen. He valiently tried to keep playing, but God saw it best that he just hand his son over to the Romans, as they offered a far more peaceful method of death. Other notable people to get addicted to this game include Abraham Lincoln and Samuel L. Jackson.

When trying to exit, don't be surprised to get this.  You have to play the game forever.

Barry Bonds, after his steroid use. Your skill at dodging will make or break it for you here.

Defeating of the Major Bosses[edit]

This game is largely known for its creative, and sometimes nonsensical, boss battles. The main bosses are Oprah Winfrey(who was a large supporter of the game, until white trash women came onto her show and explained to her how terrible the game actually is), Barry Bonds, Stephen Hawkings, Dora the Explorer, and the main bosses (depending on path of good or relatively good): Dr. Mario, or Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump(who have since gotten over their differences and formed a tag team, know simply as the Legion of Doom).

Weapons used, and how to beat the bosses:

Oprah Winfrey - She uses her trademarek tactic of incessant bitching, causing the users head to instantly suffer SEHS, or if played long enough, resist it in time enough to smash the speakers of his/her computer into bits, rendering her inactive, and the user can go in for the kill by mutilating the couch she uses(the most effective method is to have gay sex with the pillow on it) in her studio, which uses a uranium-powered core, which in turn gives power to Mutant Winfrey. Destroying it will result in the Mutant malfunctioning, causing her to turn into a carrot, which is in turn eaten by Bugs Bunny. Note: if you do not complete all of this in the span of 3.1415926535897932 seconds, her vajayjay will start to pain her, causing her to become extremely bitchy. You may want to buy earplugs if this occurs.

Barry Bonds - He begins the battle by injecting himself with steroids, causing the skimpy 6-year-old-built player to turn into a monster. Major damage can be caused to him by telling him that he will never break Hank Aaron's record, causing his feeling to be hurt, and he goes into an epileptic rage. This is the tricky part of the battle, where he gets his bat and takes home run swings for your head. Dodge them enough(usually by "ducking"), and then finish him off by throwing syringes at his oversized head, which hit for massive damage.

Stephen Hawkings - His chair morphs into something that resembles the Power Rangers machine(or a gundam, for the anime otakus. They both look the same). He is widely disputed as one of the hardest bosses in the game, as he not only causes mental retardation, but will formulate calculations in a robotic voice, which the user cannot understand, and will serve you...big time...without you even knowing it. An 11 year old named Ben Dover was killed tragically by service. The only way to beat him is to tell him that science sucks, and that the computer gets more cyb3r than he does. You will receive a "Does Not Compute" message, causing a self destruct sequence. Run! You have 5 seconds to get away before he explodes in a fiery rage.

Dora the Explorer - Look out! Her back pack isn't really a back pack at all! She is really a suicide bomber! The only way to defeat her is by sending her back over the border to Mexico, where she came from. Her mother then beats her hideously to death for not coming back with money as the player stares on stupified. She beats Dora with a computer motherboard until her head is just blood and brains squished into the ground. Dogs then rapes the dead body.

Levels[edit]

Your character(in his plumber outfit) littering. What a jag off!

The levels in the game range across the entire globe, and even into space. And, like most rpgs, while the levels may be absolutely gigantic, there's is very little to do in them besides unlocking treasure chests with small keys and completing a few missions. Still, it can be quite fun to just wander around aimlessly in them, exploring and looking for other people to beat up. The following is a brief list of all the levels and half-assed descriptions of them.

1. Superb Suburb This is the level in which your character lives. At first it seems pretty normal, like a small town, but after you accomplish the mission of getting "the Edge" off you'll find out that it is actually quite a boring place, and understand why your character would only watch tv all day. The only things to do here are pull the fire alarm in the high school or go into the park and make a jackass of yourself by littering.

2. New Yawk This is actually the city of New York, but due to the crazy accents of those who live in it the name is often mispronounced. While this is one of the bigegst levels in the game, there is very little to do here than defeat spider-man in battle and go to a Yankees game(and boo at the players). There are however lots of weapons here, most notably the Tuna which is found near the sewer(which is under Yankee Stadium).

3. Whores With Smores In this level, you are dumped in a random street corner that is covered in bacon bits. Finding a record of Cher's Greatest Hits, you must traverse the level. Be careful! There are hookers on the street corners that will hurl smores, that are edible, but once you eat too many, you will become tired, giving them time to get your wallet. Tip: Never walk naked in the Whore Store (cleverly disguised as a shoe store) - they don't sell weapons to people with no attire, and will in fact attack you.

4. Idaho Adventures Whilst driving your Ferrari through Idaho, a roadside bomb constructed by beavers will destroy the braking system and cause you to crash into a tree in the middle of potato farm. You then exit the car, and run through the potato farm until you get to the house. An alien resembling the one from Signs will be waiting, but is easily killed along with his comrades by dousing them in mayonaise. There is also a small town, which holds a weapons store and a strip bar, but neither are really worth the heavy prices.

5. Baltimoron This is considered the hardest level in the game. As soon as you enter the city, you must hide behind whatever you can find as people will begin shooting at you. After making your way to the football stadium, you have the option of joining a gang. Doing so will provide you with new and powerful weapons, but it also pulls you into the gang wars and you'll more than likely end up with cement in your shoes and in the Cheasepeake bay. The main mission here is to simply get on a boat so that you may escape with your life.

Smoking pot will make this level less dreary... hence the name.

6. More Pot Want This is actually a giant graveyard. Here, you are given the option of grave robbing, but there is a one-in-three chance that any grave you dig up will be haunted and death will result. However, the risk is well worth the reward as some items you may find include an authentic Ed Reed Jersey, a Sega Genesis, and a unicycle. There is a small house in the corner, which is the home of Professor Numbnuts. He will offer you an amor upgrade if you can solve his three riddles. It is fairly cheap though, as his last riddle is always "What have I got in my pocket?"

7. Texas Tornado This takes place in the year 2139. Following World War 12, the world is in strife...again. Arriving in Houston, you can clearly hear Chamillionaire on the radio blubbering about "rachel profilin'". Houston has been takin over by cannibals from Dallas. You must join the 1337 squad of "MILFS" and combat the cannibals. The leader of the pack of cannibals is none other than Curious George. A clear shot from a banana cannon (which you stole from him earlier in the level) should be able to kill him.

8. Fyiuck Yiu After traveling back to the past from Texas Tornado, the time machine screws up and you land somewhere in Ukraine. Not knowing what to do, you go what is left of Chernobyl, hoping to find some nuclear waste to sell on the black market. However, if any part of the waste touches your character, he will begin losing limbs by the second until finally, his head falls off. This is also the home of the first major boss, Oprah, because she was here looking for a story to get "awww's" out of the audience. Defeating her will give you the powerful weapon of Judgement.

Weapons[edit]

Result of the superweapon - Cher's music.

The weapons in the game are varied to say the least. In order to complete the game and be the best you can be, you must master each and every one. I must remind you though, this is just a small taste of the amount of weapons in the game, though these are the most popular and widely used. Especially the fricken Chuck Norris one, and rest assured every noob you enounter will have one.

1. French Fries - The Most Powerful Items in the game.

2. Toe-Nail Clippers - This is useful for slow deaths, upon using the dirt-remover to sever the jugular, you can then use the nail clippers to preform surgery on the person, using the clippers to do whatever you please! (severing arteries, slicing of abdomen, intestines, etc.)

3. McGriddle - Has a lock-on-laser mode, landing in the enemy's mouth, causing a slow sickenss that resembles a bad case of lactose-intolerance. The disease called "McGriddleism" will last for 3 minutes, or until target dies.

4. Cher's music - (WARNING: Extremely potent, considered on par with Judgement) Once played, the player will watch a scene of the target slowly picking it's face apart until it dies. A giant photo of the death scene is then displayed on the entire screen on the player, with maggots already breeding in the dead corpse. It is a disturbing sight and it alone has gotten Run3sc4p3 banned in several countries, most notably France.

5. Judgement - Uses a time-space capacitor to transport the player to another dimension, without the target or even the last universe existing...ever again! It is an extremely confusing weapon and only a madman would use it.

6. Scissors - An old school player's favorite weapon. Used to slice and dice the enemy into oblivion; very gory, use with caution and don't run with them for god's sake.

7. D34Th St4r - Laser beam charges up, destroying the enemy and 50 miles around it (chances are you will be there unless you are a military prodigy, and can plot the target's exact location). This is another madman's weapon.

8. Rob Schneider - His bad acting will cause the target to laugh uncontrollably, which in turn causes regurgitation of all major organs...through both ends.

9. Keyboard - Not very useful, you can bash the enemy once over the head, causing daze for 3 seconds. It's cute, but that doesn't take you very far in this game.

10. Chuck Norris - Dropkick will split the enemy in half, similar to the T1000 being shot with the Grenade-Launcher in Terminator 2. Roundhouse kick is also an option.

Aftermath of a Chuck Norris dropkick.

11. Dialysis machine - Drenches the enemy in piss, causing a slow acting bleach/acid mix that causes liquefaction

12. Banjo - A rare weapon that has only a one time use, which always impales the enemy.

13. Latex glove - Slaps the enemy senseless, may even cause death if you place it over target's head, causing suffocation

14. Legos - If enough are collected, the user may be able to make any weapon in the game...even Rob Schneider and Chuck Norris. Considered to be the most useful weapon in the game by everyone who's ever played it. Though an unfortunate side effect is that the Chuck Norris lego will break apart just like any other lego if struck right.

15. Silicone implants - Being so disgusting and drenched in titty milk, the enemy will explode instantly.

16. Fish - A fully grown Tuna usually, although with some extra money you may buy the Electric Eel. Both are used similarly to a sword, but the eel deals more damge.

17. Diet Coke - Due to it tasting so bad, the enemy will gag slowly to death for a minute.

18. Hot coals - These are used simply for the purpose of throwing them at the enemy, although the user must be cautious and have gloves on when throwing it because of how burning hot it is.

19. Your dick - ....

20. Whatchamacallit - Of unknown origin, will turn enemy into a random object, that ranges from a ball of yarn to a atomic bomb. Use with caution or testicular fortitude.

Easter Eggs[edit]

Hypno Toad as appears in "New Yawk".
  • Scooby-Doo can be clearly seen in the hills on the level "More Pot Want" smoking w33d.
  • Peter Griffin can be seen on a tv in the level "Idaho Adventures" in the mayor's office.
  • In the level "Slap 'em Up" pressing the keys A+B+UpC then entering the code 'blarg' your character will turn into a teletubby zombie, which actually has double the normal amount of health.
  • After acquiring the tuna for the first time, by going to the sewer in "New Yawk" you may find Kermit The Frog
  • Also in "New Yawk" is Hypno Toad of Futurama fame, he appears in random places and is very difficult to locate(although the last thing you'd want to do is find him, as his Hypno Toad powers would make you kill yourself)
  • Peyton Manning can be seen crying about another playoff loss in the first level next to the shoe store.
  • Throughout your adventure, you may come across eggs with spots on them. If you save enough of them, and hatch them(eating them is an option, but there is a 50% chance of salmonella) bloodthirsty Yoshis will come out and will stay by your side as weapons until their death.
  • Hugh Hefner can be met if the player aquires enough pr0n magazines throughout their adventure. He congratulates you on your determination and gives you a bunny costume that actually lowers your total defensive rating.
  • When in the level "Texas Tornado" you may see JFK getting shot in the streets if you input the code "1337 sniper"
  • Inside of the bunker of the level "Whores with Smores", an Charizard pokemon card can be acquired if you smash the soldier suffering from privism (erection lasting 4 or more hours).
  • Upon entering the uppermost room in the skyscraper in "New Yawk", you will find Bill Clinton having a threesome with Hilary and Monica Lewinsky.
  • The football stadium in the level "Baltimoron" has a Chaos Emerald mounted on top, to repel the once-was Canadian Rebellion of 1996.
  • Talking to General Baron O' Beefdip on the roof of the crack house in the level "Fiyuck Yiu" will give you the mushrooms commonly found in the Mario games, which will cause mental retardation and eventual death.

See Also[edit]