Run like hell
Running like hell is a super power that belongs to Satan-man. It should not be confused with running like heck, skipping like a sissy, or staying the fuck away. It is also known as FEMA's evacuation plan.
The Discovery of Run Like Hell
One day I didn't pay your mom so instead of telling her I employed a new tactic, I ran like hell. Tell her I left a nickel on the nightstand because that is all she is worth
What follows is an exchange copied from the Holy Book of the People of New Tokyo, which is actually a collection of books which were deleted from the apocrypha during the Third Council of Kent. The dialogue purportedly took place during the invasion of New Tokyo.
Citizen A: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
Citizen B: Run.
Citizen A: How?
Citizen B: Like hell.
Some Biblical scholars have suggested that Citizen B's response was to a person different from Citizen A. They often cite for support more authoritative texts such as The Gospel According to Your Mom.
Some experts have attempted to refute this with "evidence" such as the fact that two randomly selected Japanese citizens would probably not speak English, but those experts have mysteriously disappeared in a very mysterious hail of gunfire.
Run Like Hell and Satan-man
Satan-man is a truly amazing superhero. Chemically produced in New Japan on the 22nd anniversary of its founding, Satan-man was made popular in children's comics. When these comics were transported overseas, the translation got really screwed up because the comics just plain sucked. Thus, Americans, trying to emulate their new superhero, who was referred to in America as "Superman", and in Australia as "Flash Gordon",learned how to run like hell.
Satan-man (Known as Satan-randomweirdsoundingsuffix in Japan), was born when Jesus tried to make Satan suffer by combining him and a normal human male. Jesus failed to realise that this would make a super-idol, and damn several million innocent children to hell.
Satan-man had many super powers, like summon fire demon level 5, but rarely used them. The only power he used in the Satan-man comics was run like hell....and the occasional conjure stupid magic spell name.... but that's beside the point.
Failure to Run Like Hell
People who don't run like hell are morons. They'll probably die. The reasons for failure at run like hell is because you want to die. Do you seriously want to die? I didn't think so. Get off your fat ass and run! Several notable people have died from failure to run like hell- for example, Robert Plant failing to run from AIDS, or M*A*S*H* Failing to run like hell from endless boring repeats.
It is often considered by leading anti-communist Christian Soviet scientists to send all the slow runners to Soviet Russia just to make sure that hell doesn't catch up with the better runners. This is of course entirely accurate and follows closely with the sacred teachings of Russian Reversal. In Soviet Russia, hell runs like YOU!!
legitimate reasons to Run Like Hell:
- Because Pink Floyd told you to on The Wall.
- When Louis shines the flashlight on a Witch
- When Iron Maiden tell you to "Run For Your Life" on "Run To The Hills"
- a cloud of evil darkness spontaneously materializes in front of you.
- Your Mom.
- Tom Cruise jumps on your couch
- Run like if the The Scary Scottish Scotsman comes
- If you see a fat man rolling down a hill
- If you encounter a foraging bear.
- If you are hunting with Dick Cheney
- If you spray paint " Bricks are hot" on your grandfathers brand new Mahogany tool shed.
- If you get caught stealing a Bic pen from the dairy.
- When your girlfriend asks you if you're ready for a commitment.
- Godzilla, nuff said.
- If you are being chased by a crazed mascot mascot for a football team composed entirely of gigantic shits with bits of corn in them....*shudder*
- If you are French.
- If your shoelaces are tied to your earrings
- If they catch you in the backseat trying to pick her locks
- If a swarm of rabid Cuccos or Chocobos are after you.
- If advised to by Professor Maximilian Arturo, while being chased on an alternate Earth.
- If you see Willie the wildcat on a scooter!
- If you run out of cereal on a Tuesday
- To Disneyland!
- On Satan's treadmill
- If you are Freddie Mercury and the Westboro Baptist Church get their latest shipment of AK-47s
- sometin just a spolded
- A nigga stole your bike
- Monkeys want to bite you!
- Because George W. Bush is standing right behind you.
- With an erection.
33. The Apocalypse comes
- especially if the surviving pigs fly via mutations received from the Post-Apocalyptic radiation
34. PALKIA, GOD DAMN IT DON'T JUST STAND THERE, RUN LIKE HELL
A nutshell version of the last batch of scentences
Quickly run like hell.
Or the grue will eat you soon.
Fear haiku of death.
Not to be Taken Literally
To run like hell does not mean to run in a state of flaming agony while being tortured by demons of Hades. Doing so will greatly decrease your ability to avoid whatever is chasing you, as third degree burns are not conducive to running.
Running to hell will prove equally fruitless, unless you have deficated Heaven in some way, and are being chased by Angels. Hell may provide you with some sanctuary in that case.
Or not. After all, Hell might not be as flattered by your running imitation as you hope, and decide you deserve either A) burning and torture, as administered by above mentioned demons of Hades B) to be turned over to the angels so that they can damn you to Hell and A happens anyway.