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Michael Jackson should know better than feeling rapture at the idea of feeding his baby to a pack of dingoes.

The Rupture is a desirable condition sought by certain believers of Christian teachings in which the burden of their faith causes an outgrowth of their bodies sufficient to hold the Holy Spirit within themselves. Most often, this outcropping takes the shape of a hyena - it is seen as a sign of days of tribulation and great pain to come, followed by treatment and blessed relief following an outpatient procedure at Bob Jones University Hospital, or other like treatment centers.

An Erupture is not a Rupture[edit]

While it is possible for these believers to Rupture at time within their lives, most adolescent believers are more likely to have an Erupture during puberty. During an eruption, the face is covered with small mounds of the puss all over their faces. This eruption is a sign to parents that their sons and daughters are about to overtaken by hormones leading to sexual maturity, and lustful, sinful desires as Good battles with Evil. If Good wins, and the child remains chaste, the Eruptures on their face will recede on their own. However, if the child persists in touching themselves (Evil winning out over Good) then the child will attempt to speed the removal of the eruption from their face through “popping” each puss filled mound.

Rupture, the real deal[edit]

The true Rupture occurs when honest, hard working Christians do too much in the name of the Lord. For example, lifting with the back and not with the legs is a sure sign of forcing a Rupture. It is not uncommon for the anointed to call out to Jesus Christ (“JESUS CHRIST”) as the divine pain cascades over the whole being.

However it is the good Christian who realizes that Jesus, who died on the cross for their sins, did not complain about pain and affliction. No, he exercised patience, and thus many Rupture patients being weak seek support for this wholly affliction.

While desirable, most humans are unable to tolerate nominal pain, and thus they seek answers about their Rupture experience. “Why me?” and “Why me again?” are the most often ask questions, while “Because…” and “What did I tell you…” are usual answers.

Jesus, left behind, again![edit]

The nineteenth novel in the god-awful but surprisingly popular Left Behind series, The Rupture, is due in bookstores during the third year of the Tribulation. Reserve your copy now, sinner

Christian opportunist and major pain in the ass Tim LeHaye is the author of the Left Behind series which deals with the end of days and the eventual world wide Rupture that will occur when believers come to understand that their faith has been nothing more than a hollow sham. With little else to do but stick their heads between their legs and kisses their collective asses goodbye, a wave of Ruptures (and Ruptured Disks) sweeps over the world leaving the Faithful unable to even crap in their own pants.

See also[edit]