Russell Brand
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“He once got too rough, I seagulled him for the insolence he showed to my person”
- ~ Oscar Wilde on Russell Brand
“I knew we should've kept the baby and thrown away the afterbirth, I told the doctors again and again...”
- ~ Brand's parents on Russell Brand
“What the fuck is this shit?”
~ Mr. T on Russell Brand
Russell Brand is a comedian who is amazing and ridicul-arsely sexy. All the following sentences are only for the purpose of being nasty : Prepare for worthless hatred:-
drug user and general twat, cunt, prick and an ex-member of U2. He was most famous for his lawsuit against Johnny Depp, claiming that the actor's performance as "Corporal Jack Sparrow" in the hit Disney films Pirates Of The Carribean, was based on him. Brand is the lesser-known, lesser-liked brother of Alan Partridge, and is directly responsible for everything bad in the universe and society. But actually no, I'm lying, and I'm really just jelous that out of me and Andrew Sachs, he chose Andrew Sachs to fuck.
By 2006, he was named 'Most Punchable Man In The Country', which resulted in the controversial decision to crown him "Prince Of The Earth".
He is an annoying git who has a very funny sense of hair style (or possibly a funny git, with an annoying sense of hairstyle), which is done by a monkey high on banana juice. His hair is, in some senses, orgasmic.
He is alos Son of Jabba The Hut (I.E Jo Brand)
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[edit] Early career
By the age of 18, Brand began experimenting with his voice, taking it from a burly posh accent, to the mockney he uses today. He started work as a rent boy as soon as he left school, saying he could make a man cum in 14 seconds.
After a long day of servicing transvestites and government ministers, Brand's last appointment of the day turned out to be none other than Elmo, who at the time was still head of MTV. In a drunken stupor, Elmo mistook Brand for someone with talent and hired him on the spot.
The previous day, thanks to time travel, Brand began work on the MTV2 show Brand I love it, in the hotly contested time slot of 2 in the morning. All went well for the first 10 years, then one day a criminal mastermind, later understood to be Naomi Campbell, put something in Brand's morning dose of heroin which made him act strange. He got his cock out and began fucking anything that didn't move. It was a busy day at MTV towers to say the least, as staff made sure to constantly be on the move, ending in the station going offline for a day, due to Brand sodomizing the people in control.
He inflated to the size of a hippopotamus and went on a racist tirade about the Welsh. While everybody at MTV thought it was bloody funny (except for Glynn, the Welsh work-experience boy everybody hated), those killjoys at Ofcom demanded he be taken off the air. For their selfless actions, they were awarded the Barry Scott Star, the highest honour that can be bestowed upon a regulatory body.
[edit] Big Brother
After spending a couple of years deflating, and abstaining from heroin (except for that time at that party, oh and when he was trying to impress a girl, and oh that time between January and December), Brand bounced back, as Alan Partridge would say, when he was hired by the brilliant minds behind the number one TV show for idiots, Big Brother.
Despite the show's reputation for attracting millions of viewers, Channel 4 thought that Brand's well-known twattery would be well suited for barely-related BB talkshow Big Brother's Talking Out Of Its Big Arse, in which a studio audience would be held at gunpoint and forced to laugh a Brand's own special brand (huh huh) of comedy.
Within an hour, he was crowned Prince Of The Earth by the assembled twats of England, taking over from previous Prince, Prince, thus marking the first harbinger of the Apocalypse (which was to occur the following year).
[edit] Personal Life
Russell Brand actually owns & shaggs sex dolls for dogs. Yes its true, there are sex dolls for dogs & Russell Brand owns & operates three an hour. Some say Brand is cool but as everyone knows, he is pretty feminine. Once when he visited Australia (which just happened to be during Sydneys Gay Mardi Gra) Brand was reported to have said that he was not gay, and he is just trying to act gay, like an early Elton John. Even though it is widely known that his Australian vist was accompanied by a cockatoo. When asked about his sexuality, his mother stated, "He would rather choke in the closet than come out of it!" much like the Deep Throat movie, except, in a closet dressed as a confused gay vampire
[edit] Influence
Brand's unique take on comedy, the novel idea that it shouldn't be funny, was taken up by many other young comedians during his life and after his death (some even stole pieces of his small, small brain). These include:-
- the writers of sitcom
- the writers of Joey
- the writers of this article
- Peter Jackson
- Jimmy Carr
- perverts
- Michael Jackson
It is also believed that Brand has many people who are jealous of his talents...
[edit] Noel Gallagher
This section is the only thing that makes this article remotely good.
[edit] Trivia
Although not officially recognised, Brand is responsible for the creation of:
- the AIDS virus
- people who think that using a mac is an intellectual and moral choice
- people who prefer Playstation 2 over next-gen consoles
- text-speech
- Jive Bunny
- Sky One
- pig ornaments
- the mullet
- musicals
- people who won't shut up about Nintendo
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- Brand's official website, designed by under-privileged chimpanzees
- The Russell Brand Fansite, run by a mentally ill fridge magnet
- The Official Big Brother website, shat out by Davina McCall herself one Sunday morning
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