Rusty Wallace

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“I tell you what, he repeats himself an awful lot.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Rusty

I tell you what, Rusty Wallace was a former Nascar driver from the Fertile Racing Crescent in the US, and was one of those racing Wallace brothers. (The one that won every now and then, I think.) I tell you what, even when he was racing in one of his better hod rods, he still wasn't that great. Now he's announcing the races on that ESPN network and annoying the heckyeah out of world.

Early Life[edit]

Rusty grew up with his brothers, Mike Wallace, the other, older Mike Wallace, and Kenny Wallace somewhere Down Yonder. He got that nice nickname Rusty after he punched Kenny in the face with a rusty nail after Kenny wouldn't stop yelling and jumping around. Tell you what, I think I would have done the same thing.

I tell you what, that hot rod really was on fire, wasn't it Roger?

Racing Career[edit]

I tell you what, he started racing real young, and won a bunch in the 80s. Everyone did. Then he got a faster hot rod, and almost won the cup. Then he wrecked that hot rod real big up there off of four a couple of times, and I tell you what, he almost got killed. And then, after he started driving that hot #2 car, he got good. I tell you what, he got so good, he won like, 50 races. That hot rod won the cup in 1989.

I tell you what, Rusty started turning into a blowhard after that, wreckin people and spoutin off with that #2 car. He drove that Miller hot rod for 49 years until Kurt Busch, an even bigger a-hole, beat him up and got the ride. I tell you what, he stopped racing in 2005, but still thinks he can run. He lives out his failed dreams through his son, Steven, who he fully financed. I tell you what, he can come up with a good excuse every time Steven takes someone out or starts driving the wrong way. Even Kenny and Mike weren't that dumb, Rusty. Tell you what, his whine-win ratio is one of the most lopsided I ever seen. At least when he was out on the track, he could be away from those people he hates so much.

Tell you what, if I drove Indy, that never would have happened.

I tell you what, here's what he did[edit]

After his farewell tour went off quietly, he started broadcasting for the ESPN in 2006 for the Indy series, and talked about how much better Nascar was for most of it. Tell you what, Nascar hired him back, and he started doing some of them races again. I tell you what, Rusty gets aero loose when he sees Jeff Gordon in his racing overalls. He didn't just take out little Steven, did he?

I tell you what, he's still a racist, and it was probably him that took out that lady that once, not Mike. That hot rod prolly got in Steven's way. We love you, Steve! You'll finish a race someday! Tell you what, even if you don't, we'll still pay your way into a sweet ride.

Tell you what, look at this stuff[edit]