Ryan Tubridy
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"Who?" -Everyone on Ryan Tubridy
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Ryan Tubridy is an Irish television presenter and general wit of the genus Montrosus usually found when any Irish tv, radio or house wife is turned on. Affectionately known as the 'Streak of Misery', Ryan is an accomplished (s)talker, winker and nudger and has even won the coveted Rose of Tralee on numerous occasions. After he split with his wife, Tubridy had sex with fellow RTE presenter Miriam O'Callaghan.
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[edit] Early strife
A child prodigy, Ryan was able to read and be seen on Tv from the age of 12 and under the guidance and tutelage of wise old man Gay Byrne was able to hone his skills. Indeed Ryan is believed to be the only person that learned the secret of the smirk, wise old man Gay Byrnes greatest weapon against not having a shite in notion what someone's talking about. However early promise was thwarted when Ryan went off the rails in his late teens bingeing on smiley bars and cream soda, trying to have sex with girls and attending Trinity college. Ryan soon returned to his senses and rediscovered his old love of talking and being listened to and found regular work talking and being listened to on radio. Despite having the voicebox for radio Ryan was soon working his way around RTE looking for the opportunity to be talking, listened to and looked at simultaneously and eventually got his own chat show, Tubridy Tonight, which is an hour long infomercial for books, cds and cosmetic surgery.
[edit] Current Affairs
Along with his success at the Rose of Tralee, Mr. Tubriddy is famous for his gritty and explosive interviews with guests including Kerry Katona, Dolores from Fair City and the guy who wrote the book about the thing. A key feature of his show involves Ryan stealing the seat off one of the lightly sozzled audience members and attempting to ply the person beside him with galtee rasher hampers or weekend breaks for two in Ballinaslop. His in house band with the hilariously funny amusing name of the Cheddar Quartet even though there's five of them really not four because quartet means four but there's five of them are famous in their own right for being in a band and being good at playing instruments as well. His only competition for the love of the Irish is Pat Kenny, from the same genus but different species. Every weekend Ryan and Pat take part in a wrestling match to see who the Irish love more. Pat is a stiff opponent but popular Ryan's popularity among the Irish population cannot be under or overestimated thanks to ratings.
[edit] The Man Himself
When not talking, being listened to, winning the Rose of Tralee or smuggling ferrets, Ryan likes to just be himself and practices Danceing in his spare time. To be himself is no accident Ryan admits himself and being himself takes a lot of hard work. He is a grand lad who never harmed a fly and why shouldn't he have his own chat show and make 2,000,000 euros a year if he's never murdered anyone.
[edit] Sex with Miriam O'Callaghan
After he split with his wife, Tubridy started hitting the bottle like he used to hit his (now ex-)spouse. One night in the Dail Bar, Ceann Comhairle John O'Donoghue, dared a drunken Ryan Tubridy to drink out of the most disgusting receptacle at hand. Inevitably, that receptacle was Miriam O'Callaghan's vagina. After inadvertently bringing Miriam "20 kids, 8 by Tom McGurk" O'Callaghan to climax with his tongue-lapping, O'Callaghan began to rape him. After about 5 minutes of rape, Ryan realised that like anyone being raped he actually enjoyed it. No charges were ever brought against O'Callaghan.
[edit] Trivia
- shaved his head to act as stand in for Patrick Stewart in Star Trek because the back of his head was better looking.
- was a conscientious objector during the attempts to increase his salary on the grounds of not being able to live on 3 mil a week.
- doesn't own a tv as the only thing he'd be bothered watching on tv is himself and his show is broadcast live.
- feared he'd lose his chat show because his ego wasn't big enough or at least not as big as Pat Kenny's.
- invented a new colour but pat Kenny proved it was really a type of sandwich filler using the awesome power of his degree of physics. Ryan was devastated.
- attempted to synthesize a personality but couldn't get pat out of the RTE lab where he was cloning Gay Byrnes knees.
- has no arse.
- allergic to Anne Doyle.
- recovering talkaholic.
- is the son of Patleen Kenny who is the son of Gaybrius Byrne who is the son of Terry Wogan who is the son of Michael Parkinsons disease who is the founding father of encouraging famous people with huge egos to talk about themselves which is about as difficult as getting a pig to sniff shite.
- president of the international society for the advancement of ferret smuggling as an ok thing to do.
- once tried to give himself away in a hamper but was caught by customs on the way to a weekend break in Minsk.
- a few of his favourite things are licking stamps, being recognized on Grafton Street and fidelity.
- has never danced with the devil in the pale moonlight, but HAS been known to creep up to the homes of unsuspecting couples and peer in the top window to watch them "start ridin" at the stroke of 12 o'clock... in the afternoon.
- he wants to go to Mount Splashmore! Take him!-Take him!-Take him!-Take-him-now!
- was often confused with his first class teacher's meter stick, even though by then Tubridy was already 11 feet tall and 19 millimetres wide. He actually more closely resembled the Spire at that point really. Tubridy would return home covered in chalk, from a day of ruling the blackboard, and sometimes blood, from being used to strike his naughty classmates on the knuckles or maybe the bridge of their nose.
- has the utmost respect for Jan Koller.
- lived for 10 months on the burial site of an ancient, murky being known as Jeremy Kyle.
- has an unusual habit of refusing to allow lift doors to close fully; as a result, Tubridy can often be seen standing patiently in an open, motionless lift with his long narrow foot (measuring 34 yards) wedging the door open. A common RT quip at such times is, "Jayzers, it's a long aul' slog to the top floor, to be sure.
- lifelong ambition is to record a cover of 'Ain't Misbehavin' as long as it is a duet with his favourite jazz singer, Martin McGuinness. "He sings like a freed hunger striker," said our man.
