SAT

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“AAAAAAAAA!”

~ High school students on their SAT scores.

“Pfft! I totally aced my SAT. You're all stupid!”

~ Me on SAT Test

“I got a 264. That's, like, an A++!”

~ Dumb teenage girl who will become a stripper on the SAT

The SAT is the single most important test you will ever take in your entire life. EVER. Seriously. How well you do on your SAT will determine how good a college you get into, how good your job will be, and how hot your wife will be. If you do a good job on your SAT, your entire existence will be blessed with luck and good fortune, you will make millions of dollars, you will have several wonderful children, and you will live a very long and prosperous life. Likewise, if you do badly on the test, you will live out a long, hard, miserable existence, you won't have any friends, no girls will like you, you will die a lonely, bitter old man, and nobody will remember you. Seriously, if you get a bad score on your SAT, you might was well just put a bullet through your head and avoid the long, painful, meaningless existence you'd otherwise have to endure. But don't stress about taking the test.

Below, we have an entire SAT prepared for you to take. Be sure to have a number 2 pencil handy. If you use anything else aside from a #2 pencil, your test will be immediately burnt and you will receive a zero.

No pressure, right?


Contents

[edit] Section 1: ESSAY

Time - 4.5 seconds... BETTER GET STARTED!

Turn to Section 1 of your answer sheet to write your ESSAY.

The following essay allows you to creatively express your worthless opinion and show us how fast your hand can move. Take time, but not too much time, to develop your point of view and use your language precisely.

Your answer must be written on the provided answer sheet. You will receive no other paper on which to write. You will have enough space if you write on every line and write legibly.

You will have four and a half seconds to write an essay on the topic below. DO NOT WRITE ON ANOTHER TOPIC. AN OFF-TOPIC ESSAY WILL RECEIVE A SCORE OF ZERO AND IS PUNISHABLE BY RAPE BY EACH MEMBER OF THE COLLEGE BOARD! RAHHHHHH!

Many believe that the SAT is a test designed by a shadow government attempting to reform America into a subservient nation where all thoughts will be expressed by bubble choices.
~ Oscar Wilde

Assignment: What is our opinion on Wilde's claim? I mean, he's wrong, right? Right?! Plan and write an essay in which you develop and support our point of view. Your essay will be graded based on your writing quality and not on your opinion, although agreeing with us usually adds a few points. But trust us, some answers are better than others, and we don't want to hear you whining when your scores come back and they're all 20 points lower for some reason. Whose fault is that? Yeah, that's what I thought.

BEGIN WRITING YOUR ESSAY IN SECTION 1 OF THE ANSWER SHEET.


NoteYOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 1.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU EITHER DIDN'T WRITE, OR YOU ARE REALLY ASIAN. YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIRORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN...


[edit] Section 2: MATH

Time - e3.2188758248682007492015186664524 minutes

Turn to Section 2 of your answer sheet to fill in the bubbles, although they are not actually bubbles, they are simple circles with letters in them.

Directions: For each question, choose the answer that you believe is most appropriate and fill in the corresponding bubble on the answer sheet.

1. 1 + 1 = ?

(A) 2
(B) 11
(C) 3-1
(D) 2.0
(E) Trick question

2. 1 + 3 = ?

(A) 4
(B) 3 + 1
(C) The answer to #1
(D) 0
(E) Trick question

3. Find the volume of the sun

(A) Trick question
(B) Trick question
(C) Trik kwestshun
(D) Trick question
(E) 8

4. A blind man walks down the street and encounters this triangle.
Trianglenew.gif
What is the average distance between the three points?

(A) Yes
(B) No
(C) Maybe
(D) If you are black or hispanic, fill in this bubble, you are exempt from this question.
(E) Seriously Jesus Christ this guy is blind, what does he care?


NoteYOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 2.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHANGE ALL YOUR ANSWERS, BECAUSE THEY ARE WRONG. YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE RAPED, AND THE RAPED WILL BE SHOT. LATHER RINSE REPEAT MOTHER FUCKER!


[edit] Section 3: CRITICIZE YOUR READING

Example A. Time - Twenty-five ______

Which word best completes the above sentence?

A. Seconds
B. Minutes
C. Hours
D. Apples
E. Moments
Example B. Turn to Section 3 of your answer sheet to fill in the _____.

Which word best completes the sentence above?

A. Seconds
B. Bubbles
C. Circles
D. Balls
E. Letters
F. Leave as is, with a period after the

Directions: Read the following selection from my diary. For each question, choose the answer that you believe is the least appropriate or most hilarious and fill in the corresponding thing on the answer sheet. You probably aren't reading this. Every answer for this section is A, so don't worry. 

    Oh em gee, my boyfriend doesn't like me
    He just thinks I'm so ugly
    That's why I am going to commit suicide tomorrow
    No one will care anyway
14.3 My mom laughed when I told her I cut myself
    My boyfriend is imaginary anyway,
    And he always makes fun of how fat I am
    I wish I was dead
    My best friend does too
-24 I called the suicide hotline today
    I met a guy named Jerry
    Unfortunately, after an hour of talking
    He thought it best that I should kill myself
    I'm just so sad now.
%   I bought a noose the other day
    I suppose I will use it tomorrow
    Should I take my clothes off
    So that whoever finds me will vomit?

1. What is referenced by the line "I bought a noose the other day" (line 4)?

(A) She's going to commit suicide
(B) She likes to lynch blacks
(C) Oops, that was racist
(D) We are so sorry
(E) Again, just fill in A, it's correct

2. How would the author explain her life?

(A) Morose yet fulfilling
(B) Morose yet fulfilled
(C) Terrible yet horrible
(D) Horrible yet terrible
(E) Sad yet sad yet horrible yet morose yet aww who cares?

3. What is the attitude of the passage towards suicide?

(A) Acceptifilicious
(B) Happivoracious
(C) Mephistilationitis
(D) Subchloridical
(E) supercalifragulisticexpialidocious


NoteYOU ACTUALLY COMPLETED SECTION 3.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE MOLESTED, SURVIVORS WILL BE TOUCHED INAPPROPRIATELY BY THE PROCTOR


[edit] Section 4: WRITING

Time - 28 days

Turn to Section 4 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: Read the following sentences. For each question, choose the pairs that best represents your emotions and fill in the corresponding purdy bubble on the answer sheet.

1. Sally was ____ because she couldn't go to the ____.

(A) fat around her waist, toilet
(B) a retard, school
(C) divorced, marriage counseling
(D) violent, dojo
(E) on fire, fire department

2. Yes, there are two ____ you can go by, but in the _____...

(A) ways, long run
(B) lights, USS Enterprise
(C) paths, home run
(D) pills, Matrix
(E) children, sweatshops

3. ____ ____!

(A) Jesus, Christ
(B) Watch, it
(C) Free, Tibet
(D) Oh, no
(E) ,

4. Stop, ______

(A) in the name of love!
(B) Hammer Time!
(C) collaborate and listen!
(D) children, what's that sound?
(E) right now, thank you very much, I need somebody with the human touch.

5. ____ dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

(A) Ron
(B) Harry
(C) Snape
(D) Hagrid
(E) Wait a second, what does this test actually have to do with educational aptitude? So far it's just been a bunch of pop culture references and the occasional in-joke. If you fill this in you hate human beings.


NoteYOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 4.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN


[edit] Section 5: REEDUN...?

Time - 25 years ago

Turn to Section 5 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: For each question, choose the pair of words that... wait a minute this section was retired when they added the Writing section. Why is it still in here? Whatever, just fill in the corresponding bubble on the answer sheet.

1. IDEA : LIGHTBULB ::

(A) TIME : CLOCK
(B) DEATH : SKULL
(C) CRIMINAL : OJ
(D) DANGER : STORM CLOUD
(E) DANGEROUS CRIMINAL DEATH TIME : CLOCK-SHAPED STORM CLOUD OVER OJ'S SKULL

2. DINOSAURS : EXTINCT ::

(A) OWLS : NOCTURNAL
(B) NOCTURNAL : DINOSAURS
(C) DINOSAURS : THEMSELVES
(D) PARADOX : PARADOX
(E) CUCUMBERS : DELICIOUS

3. FATHER : SON ::

(A) CHARLES MANSON : TEX WATSON
(B) THE MASK : SON OF THE MASK
(C) GOD : EVERYBODY (EXCEPT GAY PEOPLE)
(D) GEORGE H. W. BUSH : A RETARDED MONKEY
(E) EVERY OTHER GUEST ON MAURY : EVERY ILLEGITIMATE CHILD, EVER

4. PHYSICS : BODY FALLING OUT A WINDOW ::

(A) CHEMISTRY : BURNING A MAN ALIVE
(B) AMERICAN HISTORY : SENSELESSLY BEATING A STRANGER TO DEATH
(C) ENGLISH : SODOMIZING A PRESCHOOL
(D) MATH : PUTTING A HOMELESS PERSON INTO A WOODCHIPPER
(E) WRITING : CUTTING OFF YOUR OWN HEAD WITH A CHAINSAW

5. MINER : DYNAMITE ::

(A) MINOR : DYNAMITE
(B) MINER : DYNOMITE!
(C) MINOR : DYNOMITE!
(D) J.J. WALKER :: DYNOMITE!
(E) CONSTRUCTION WORKER : JACKHAMMER
(F) THERE IS NO F
(G) SAME AS F

6. PIZZA : BEHEMOTH ::

(A) FOOD : MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE
(B) SANITY : RANDOMNESS
(C) TRUTH : RECONCILIATION
(D) BANANA : ROBOT
(E) THE POPE : MADONNA


NoteYOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 5.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT.


[edit] Section 6: WRITING

Time - The Day After Tomorrow

Turn to Section 6 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: Look at the underlined phrases in the following sentences. For each section, choose the most incorrect word or phrase and fill in the corresponding purdy bubble on the answer sheet. Or you could just choose an answer at random.

1. Gregory was(A) a terrible(B) eater(C) that refused the Declaration of Independence(D) eat rice.

(A) was
(B) terrible
(C) eater
(D) the Declaration of Independence
(E) No error

2. Have you gone(A) to see(B) the new(C) movie? Everyone says it(D) is a pile of worthless steaming shit that no one could respect because I mean seriously, what's up with making another sequel?

(A) gone
(B) see
(C) new
(D) it
(E) No error

3. Tragically(A), none of the orphans survived the fire.

(A) A
(B) A
(C) A
(D) A
(E) No error

4. Oure Hoost answerde(A) and seide, "I graunte(B) it thee, now telle on, Roger, looke that it be good, for many a pastee hastow laten blood, and many a Jakke(C) of Dovere hastow soold that hath been twies hoot(D) and twies coold."

(A) answerde
(B) graunte
(C) Jakke
(D) hoot
(E) No error

4. Εάν μπορείτε(A) να μεταφράσετε αυτό(B) σωστά(C), είστε πάρα πολύ χρένο(D) έξυπνοι αυτήν την σελίδα.

(A) μπορείτε
(B) αυτό
(C) σωστά
(D) χρένο
(E) No error


NoteYOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 6.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT.


[edit] Section 7: WHO CARES

Time - Not soon enough

Turn to Section 7 of your answer sheet to sit on your ass.

Directions: Look at the clock. 35 minutes left. Fuckin' A. You never actually wanted to take the SAT, especially not today. Once your parents get the scores back, you'll be able to pass it all off with an excuse like "Well I didn't study" or "I was tired". Don't even bother finishing it. This is the part where you get to make cool designs by filling in the bubbles. After they collect all the test booklets in about 45 minutes, you can get the hell out of here.

Justwords.gif


NoteYOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 7.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE FORCED TO HAVE HOT HOT SEX WITH ANGELINA JOLIE.


[edit] THIS PAGE CONTAINS NO TEST MATERIAL

And no, we're not sure why we needed to remind you of that fact. Why the hell do you care? The test is over!!! You're free! Go run play, explore! ('Till, June, when the results show up...)

[edit] Answer Sheet

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