Sack Religion/The 10 Commandments of the Sack Religion

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

The Ten (or so) Commandments[edit]

  • "I am the Lord your god who brought you out of the land of Egypt."
    • I am also the Lord your god who let some people stay in Egypt to take care of your pets while you're away. Call home, they miss you."
  • "You shall have no other gods besides me...unless you want to."
    • "I'm not a jealous god, that would be petty...and don't worry about me visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth of them that hate me. That's Yahweh's thing, he's kind of a prick. Feel free to make graven images; or better yet, do Dogs playing Poker or a Bullfighter on Velvet. Those never get old."
  • "Cut back on the swearing, it makes you sound like an ass."
    • "Swearing in my name is a good substitute for fuck or shit. Jesus' is even better. Seriously."
  • "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy."
    • "Or don't, it's all good. Remember, everyday is Sabbath when you're unemployed. Get a job, just in case."
  • "Honor your father and your mother.
    • "Abandoning them after you move out is bad mojo. Unless they're pricks, then fuck 'em."
  • "Thou shalt not kill. Ever. Pay attention to this one, too many people ignore it."
    • "While it is permissible (though guilt inducing) if thou kill in self defence; a pre-emptive war not so much.
  • "No adultery. Marriage is between two people, adultery isn't."
    • "If you want to sleep around, instead of getting married, get adultered."
  • "You shall not steal."
    • "Keep your hands clapping...that's right, move along."
  • "No lying."
    • "Unless she asks you if that dress makes her look fat, then bullshit away."
  • "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife."
    • "His neighbor's wife, on the other hand...unless you count his neighbor as you, then it's your own wife...coveting your own wife is unnecessary as she is to be considered precoveted. By you...dumbass."