Sage

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Sage was the name of the bassist for seminal feminist-punk band The Spice Grrrrrls.


Sage was born Samantha Jenkins on March 19, 1969 in Montreal, Canada. She first developed an interest in music at the age of 10 as a result of her schoolgirl crush on Rush singer/bassist Geddy Lee. Her political views were shaped around this time as well, due to a school project that was assigned to her at random. Each child in her social studies class was required to write a short biography on a historical figure, which they selected out of a hat. Jenkins ended up with legendary female chauvinist pig Susan B. Anthony. Not sure how to go about doing research for the project, Jenkins asked her teacher for assistance. The teacher suggested that they meet after school in her office and lick each other's snatches. She received an A in social studies that year, despite learning nothing about Susan B. Anthony, let alone anything else about history, other than the fact that Hitler may have been gay. Jenkins employed her top-notch box-eating skills on her other teachers, and thus was able to pass each grade despite the D's and F's she received in male-taught classes. She soon pledged her allegiance to the feminist movement and vowed to cunniling herself to the top.

Wellesley Days[edit]

Jenkins decided to attend college in the United States, mistakenly believing that no one would make fun of her fucking annoying accent. She accepted a scholarship from Wellesley College in Massachussets to study carpet-licking, and enrolled in 1987. It was here that she met three other Canadian expatriates - Paris Lee, Rosanne Merrian, and Tina Morris. The four quickly bonded over being the only girls at Wellesely who could understand what they were saying, as well as a love of music and each other's juices. Jenkins also developed a close bond with freshman women's lit teacher Felecia Lindemulder, who introduced Jenkins to the DC hardcore stylings of Minor Threat, the political satire punk of the Dead Kennedys, and glass dildos. After sharing these discoveries with her friends, the four decided to start their own band. The Spice Grrrrrls were born.

The Band[edit]

Each of the Spice Grrrrrls took on the name of their favorite common household seasoning - Jenkins became Sage (bass), Lee became Parsley (vocals), Merrian became Rosemary (drums), and Morris became Thyme (lead guitar). Sage originally suggested that Thyme be on drums, but Parsley pointed out that this is a horrible pun.

Lawsuit From These Five Bimbos[edit]

The Spice Grrrrrls were sued by The Spice Girls, a five-member all-female pop group, for the rights to the name. Despite having coined the name first and using a different spelling, The Spice Grrrrrls lost the suit and were required to pay millions of dollars in damages to the five whores in The Spice Girls. The money was then used to bribe MTV into putting their horrible song "Wannabe" into heavy rotation. Soon The Spice Girls were regarded as feminist icons at least 100 times more than The Spice Grrrrrls had been, although they promoted a new kind of feminist agenda called lipstick feminism, which just means feminists who suck miles of cock rather than eating pounds of box.


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