Sailor Moon
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“Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight, never running from a real fight, she is the one named Oscar Wilde!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sailor Moon
“I'd have sex with this fine lass, but her age would tamper my record.”
“Ummm... Why am I in love with her again?”
~ Tuxedo Mask
“Fap fap fap fap fwap...”
~ 15 year old teenager on Sailor Moon
“ I'll have them shitfucked by Ron Jeremy, oops, I mean we love 'em.”
Sailor Moon (ブッカケビックリ) is a very popular member of the mystical defense force that serves the entire nation of Earth. Her exploits as a fighter for good,lover of all mankind, and the wet dream of many perverted males has received much acclaim. Without this skimpy teenager's many services for the good of humanity, Earth would probably not be a very nice place. Still, experts ask, "Why do all these apocalyptic fiends target Japan"?
It has been estimated that roughly 10 million cubic-centimeters of jizz have been spilled as a direct result of Sailor Moon since its premiere in 1992.
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[edit] That Off-Colour Prequel to Sailor Moon
The little-known season that took place before Sailor Moon Classic was Sailor Moon H, in which Usagi dropped all pretence and just lived to striptease for the benefit of faggoty Andrew from Crown Games and Darien (who has a fetish for evening wear, masks, and Arabian clothing), both of whom habitually beat and forcefully sodomized each other in raging competition for the hand of the disgusting little strumpet. Ami was the true moral fiber of the group, but she was constantly ignored; after graduating from pre-med, she became bassist, main songwriter, and vocalist for a psychedelic vaudville-blues fusion band known as The Ungrateful Dead - a string of three episodes dealt exclusively with John Entwistle's livid ghost chasing her with a loaded Tommy gun across Japan, only to have Ami turn and send his Cockney arse back to Hades after beating him back to death in a crossword puzzle faceoff. She eventually had a daughter named Belldandy after a night with Conan Edogawa and a fifth of Four Roses; she was named after a certain character from a certain manga and anime promoting shacking up with deities, but Belldandy - Ami's daughter, not the goddess - spent too much time on playdates with Usagi and so ended up just as terrible a bimbo as she, but Bell was smart enough to cruise into a cushy job as Secretary-General of the UN. Minako was as shameless and delicious a bimbo as ever, Sailor Mars started a chain of bordellos for pyroerotics (people who get a jolly out of being burned alive) and eventually joined the American televangelist circuit, demanding $1000 in exchange for the best ninety days of your life (to say nothing of the nights), Sailor Jupiter sodomized several hippies to death with a handful of bobwire to exact revenge on their attempts to get rid of the Electricity Scout in favor of a Windpower Scout, and Melvin got into drugs, shot Molly in the head, and attempted to rape Usagi, who stimulated him manually, read him some Dr. Seuss, and gave him some more LSD, at which juncture he stumbled home to listen to some They Might Be Giants and Ungrateful Dead while watching All in the Family on YouTube and wondering where the frick his toes went. Luna, Artemis, and Diana were actually a catgirl, a catguy, and a catgirl, respectively, in this season, and, needless to say, any scenes involving them were VERY hot - or nauseating, depending on your preferences. This show was noted for its extensive, some might say excessive (but what do they know, the frockin' prudes?), use of hentai, ecchi, drug abuse, absurd and counterculture humor, and plagiarism of Malcolm in the Middle, James Joyce, and Peach Girl. The theme song was, somewhat incongruously, done by Gordon Lightfoot, who supplied a folksy arrangement of that theme we all know and love; during the show, a rising counterculture group called Jefferson Airshame supplied the music, consisting of Hitler's speeches translated into English and from thence into Pig-Latin, and finally set to mediocre psychedelics with (thankfully) at least nominal blues and rock. Only a select group of perpetually deprived sexfiends and incipient serial killers and leching grays known as otaku know of the series today; for some reason, it didn't catch on with any mainstream production companies this side of the Pacific. Go figure. Anyway, Asuka Langley Sorya played Molly, Ash played Melvin, and Usagi's extremely well-endowed, extremely slutty mom was played by a rising young hentai actor named Oscar Wilde. The main enemies throughout this 45-episode season were Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family, Bill Cosby, Dr. Phil, and Kermit the Frog.
[edit] Sailor Mini Moon
According to the series, Sailor moon had a child. To have a child you have to have sex, wich takes away completly the thought of a "Childrens" show because of the fact that Sabrina (Sailor moon) was only 15 when she was taking care of Rini(Mini moon),a nine year old child. 15 - 6 = 9. And altho Rini did infact come from the future, it looks like Sailor moon, the all goody goody too shoes had a baby before she was ten. =D Nice going Tuxedo!!! (Side note, he got the clap, but whaddaya expect when you ball Meatball Head?)
[edit] Sailor Moon Episode Guide
Seeing as all the episodes, or at least all the ones people are willing to watch are all the same, this will pretty much sum up most of it. In each episode, the Rabbit bitch cries about something. Out of nowhere, a monster thing appears, and tries to destroy pretty much everything. The Rabbit bitches some more, then the talking cat tells her to transform. She goes through a transformation sequence, which leaves her vulnerable for about a minute, but due to no one caring and poor AI, the monsters don't bother to attack. Then the monster slams around its tentacles (all Japanese monsters need tentacles) and out of nowhere Tuxedo Mask appears and throws a rose. Sailor Moon throws her tiara and yells "Hot Lesbian Action" and destroys the monster in one hit. End Episode. Oh yeah, and maybe some of the other Sailor Soldiers show up, but we all know that they're totally useless.Oh, and there's a fucking PSA at the end of each episode
[edit] The Sailor Soldiers
- Sailor Sun – She was supposed to be big, but some fatass called Paul Wight made her look like your average, run-in-the-mill scout.
- Sailor Mercury – Smartest person in the universe. She is the first human who knew that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father. Surprising eh? Has the power of water and ice because the Japanese name for Mercury is 'water planet', a fine name for a desiccated ball of scalding rock that tells you everything you need to know about pre-19th Century humans (and her attack is frikin useless, by the way). She is a hacker with l33t skillz, and can beat anyone in the Spring Olympics. Once had her own show on The Discovery Channel. She had the guts to start a fight with Tuxedo Mask which she would have won if she had a good attack and not one that just makes fog(catfight trivia)
- Sailor Venus (ブッカケエントリー) – Or Sailor Moon's clone. Created by God, or Buddah, or WHOEVER THE HELL IT WAS!, to create a super sailor. She was meant to stop all wars, but failed like a dumbass. However, Sailor Venus killed evil celebrities like the Jonas Brothers. Is also famous for messing up quotes, like saying "Give me some sugar, baby" when she meant to say "Hi, how are you?". Unlike the other sailor soldiers who are under the comand of a bitchy black cat named Luna, Sailor Venus takes orders from a male white cat who is actually her pimp. She got into a fight with a policewoman who stole her English boyfriend(catfight trivia)
- Sailor V Secretly Sailor Venus in disguise.
- Sailor Sky With the power of clouds.
- Sailor Earth – For some reason, she is not a Soldier (thus does not appear in the anime), but still a sailor in most respects. She has been in a affair with godess Gaia, and not to mention Pandora & Eva. She is like the Chris Benoit of Sailor Moon, exept name isn't censored.
- Sailor Mars – A pyromaniac who likes to burn everything. She used to work in a paper factory, but after it burned down mysteriously, she lost her job. She likes burning her farts.She currently lives with her perverted grandfather and that is beyond creepy. The only interesting thing about her is that she frequently bitch slaps Sailor Moon and because of that she got bitch slaped by Sailor Jupiter (catfight trivia).
- Sailor Asteroid Belt
- Sailor Jupiter – Strong, tall girl with a lot of "talent". And of course when we say "talent" we mean "boobs," and when we say "boobs" we mean "knockers," and when we say "knockers" we of course mean "boobs". And she has the biggest of all. Despite being the physically strongest one, she's near useless because she's always the first one to get knocked out. She had auditioned for the role of "Sabrina" in Charlie's Angels, but lost out to Kate Jackson... you know, the "smart" one. In the early episodes, she was a tomboy punk with eyes of steel... to later on become a gardener, opening up even MORE opportunities to make colorful metaphors about flowers. She's a karate loon so she can beat up all the other whores on the show except for lesbo Sailor Uranus who once kicked her ass. But it's all good in tha hood. She got her back later by pretending to go lesbo, and in mid 69, shoved a screwdriver up her ass. Sailor Jupiter once smacked Sailor Mars and a few episodes later did it again only that time by 'accident'(catfight trivia).
- Sailor Saturn – Has the ability to be possessed by a different demon everyday, still hang around long enough to be cleansed of evil by the other Soldiers, then die mysteriously. After the one-hundred-and-twenty-seventh time she reincarnated herself, she finally quit the show and searched for other roles. Last seen playing Samara from "The Ring." Sometimes known as the Boba Fett of Sailor Moon. Must be the armor... or fan stupidity. She is a total Goth, to the extent that she depresses George Bush.On the show she is frequently seen having seizures caused by terminal cancer. Even Chibiusa could kick her ass in a fight(catfight trivia)But Chibiusa is in love with her so no.
- Sailor Uranus Or Your Anus – Lesbian, dyke on a bike, fucks with Sailor Neptune. You make fun of her name, and she will hurt you. Looks like a young guy, but is really a girl. She once beet up Sailor Jupiter(Catfight trivia)
- Sailor Neptune (ブッカケ) – Lesbian, femme, fucks with Sailor Uranus...she's also super sexy and super talented which makes all the other bitches on the show jealous. That's why she got her ass kicked by Kaorinite and Queen Nehelenia (catfight trivia).
- Sailor Kuiper Belt
- Sailor Ban Ki Moon
- Sailor Pluto – Recently lost her license to be a Planet Soldier and got kicked out of the Sailor Soldiers because, if they let her in, they would also have to let in Sailor Ceres, Sailor Haumea, Sailor Makemake & Sailor Eris (not to mention Sailor Ceto, Sailor Rhadamanthus, Sailor Orcus, Sailor Huya, Sailor Ixion, Sailor Logos, Sailor Chaos, Sailor Deucalion, Sailor Borasisi, Sailor Quaoar, Sailor Varuna, Sailor Teharonhiawako & Sailor Sedna) and they didn't like them. Those two were total bitches, really, and they couldn't fight for you. But Sailor Moon didn't want to piss them off by saying "No! You guys can't join the group because we don't like you!", so she came up with some convoluted explanation involving their height and weight and whether their breasts were gravitationally bound into a sphere and as it turned out, they had to kick out Sailor Pluto too. She was quite pissed about it, and justifiably so. She is the oldest (haha) so she could probably beat up all the others except for dykon Sailor Uranus and karate freak Sailor Jupiter (catfight trivia).
- Note: The writer of this article has apparently has never been born. It is assumed that Sailor Pluto's time gate may be involved. How this and the archivist's erasure from history is not entirely clear.
- Sailor Gliese 581 c – If there was never a Sailor Earth, what makes you think that she exists?!?
- Sailor Sailor – Favourite phrase is 'Aye, aye, Cap'n!' Which freaks Sailor Mars out for some reason.
- Sailor Palla Palla – has balls tied on to the bottom of her hair. Even Chibiusa,who Palla Palla is meant to protect, thinks she's dumb.
- Leeroy Jenkins – The only Sailor Scout with a beard. Has a bad habit of getting the other scouts into some serious trouble, even when the other scouts have a plan.
- The Sailor Starlights – Are women who transform into men, or men who transform into women. It doesn't really matter though, because they look exactly the same in either form. Ranma from Ranma 1/2 and RuPaul are a long-lost members of the Starlights.
- Sailor Teeny-Weeny Compact Vertically-Challenged Moon – The illegitimate daughter of Sailor Moon and Invader Zim, Sailor Teeny-Weeny Compact Vertically-Challenged Moon is really the strongest character evar and ends up saving everyone's asses at least 30 times in the entire series. She'll blow your ass up with razzle-dazzle pink fireworks. She is also Sailor Moon's archnemesis; the two are particularly at odds during the fourth season, in which Sailor Teeny-Weeny Compact Vertically-Challenged Moon's evil antics have more screentime than Sailor Moon herself. Some people think her name is Sailor Chibi Moon. Whatever.
- Sailor Otaku – Was gifted with the amazing power to copy the costumes, hairstyles, moves, quotes, and cheap ripoffs of each of weapons of the sailor scouts. There seem to be thousands of this scout. The other scouts find them annoying.
- Sailor Nova – Also known as the Emo Scout, she has the power to poke at the pink squishy thing in people's skulls with her big ass spear and make them depressed, or dead, whichever comes first. She sacrificed herself in order to save Sailor Saturn, stupidly forgetting the fact that Saturn would just come back later. She later realized this and became an evil PMSing bitch, her slutty little uniform becoming torn and bloody in places. She is now bent on destroying the Sailor Scouts and Oscar Wilde because she is too obsessive to let things go. Later on, she finishes PMSing and sexed Sailor Saturn to make up for her naughtiness. (It is currently unconfirmed what sort of punishment Sailor Saturn inflicted on her in the process, but people assure us, it was kinky.) She is still currently having problems getting over herself.
- Sailor Baboon – The secret identity of some baboon that lives in the Central Park Zoo. Her powers include the ability to rip people's faces off at lightning speed, screechs that can cause people's ears to explode, and a Star Wand that can shoot banana peels. She is known to be very crazy, but she can become crazy and extremely vicious if someone raspberries at her. Her hobbies include picking dead skin off of her brother's back and eating it, climbing trees, and dropping coconuts on children's heads. She was also the one who responsible for the death of Sailor Sedna.
- Sailor Naraku – Not to be confused with Sailor Baboon. No one is quite sure of Sailor Naraku's gender, but he/she/it has the power of asexual reproduction.
- Sailor Vegeta – Vegeta after he "fuses" with Sailor Urauns. Distrubing...
- Sailor Dumbass – The stupidest Sailor Scout to have ever walked the Earth. She is the EXACT opposite of Sailor Mercury. She is very retarded and has yet to discover how to turn into Sailor Dumbass. The only thing she ever accomplished was getting called a dumbass by Red Forman.
- Whaler Moon – Exists only in an amusement park, as everyone knows that whales are from Neptune. her power is that she carries a harpoon.
- Sailor Brown Dwarf – Sailor Jupiter's new alias after getting ill-advised breast implants.
- Sailor Popeye – S-he is the saint of spinach, and punish with death who does't want to eat his/her delicious fruit--veggies.
- Sailor Vegetable - The long-lost princess of YouTube Poop. She has green hair and red eyes. Her breath smells like rat poison. You are engaged to her whether you like it or not.
- Sailor Glitter Sequins Twinkle Twinkle Little Star How I Wonder What You Are Up Above The World So High Like A Diamond In The Sky Twinkle Twinkle Little Star How I Wonder What You Are A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Now I Know My ABCs Next Time Won't You Sing With Me Marilyn Monroe Britney Spears Justin Timberlake Drug Addict Harry Potter Princess - Sailor Glitter Sequins Twinkle Twinkle Little Star How I Wonder What You Are Up Above The World So High Like A Diamond In The Sky Twinkle Twinkle Little Star How I Wonder What You Are A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Now I Know My ABCs Next Time Won't You Sing With Me Marilyn Monroe Britney Spears Justin Timberlake Drug Addict Harry Potter Princess is a total *bleep*. Her powers include teleportation, flight, being an idiot, invulnerability, mind-reading, seeing the future, being a good kisser, not knowing what 1 + 1 is even though she is OVER NINE THOUSAND, being a vampire, being a witch, being a werewolf, being a magical girl, breathing underwater, shapeshifting, animal communication, healing, controlling the elements, and the power of being a Mary-Sue
- Sailor Mini-moon (Chibiusa) Freakish hells-pawn of Sailor Moon and the Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future, Sole super-power: able to make Scrappy-Doo raised to the power of Jar-Jar Binks look like a good choice by comparison, largely because exposure to her kills the brain cells needed to kill yourself in order to avoid ever seeing her again (whilst leaving the ones that scream in her presence---all the other ones---intact. And the part you used to sin burns hottest.)She is regularly alleged to be an alernate-dimension version of young Hillary Clinton.
- Keith Moon - the quirky Sailor Scout, known for his technique of using his drumsticks as bludgeons and, occasionally, as equipment for forced sodomy; no wonder Tuxedo Mask always picks a fight with him.
- Sailor Clusterfuck - Biggest hoe-bag Created by Zeus, who made another attempt at adultery but failed due to finding that she had already slept with everyone in the entire planet. In rage, Zeus fucked her so hard that she fell into a time portal and was sent to the future, finding the Sailor Scouts and and a hell of a lot more people to screw.
- Sailor Vampire Loves to flirt with Setsuna.
[edit] Other good guys
- Tuxedo Mask – An escaped insane asylum patient, he goes around killing people using roses like darts. In the manga, however, he gets a shrubbery and uses bombs, presumably to make his fighting style marginally less homosexual. In every episode, he shows up at a convenient time to remind Sailor Moon that she has a magical attack that never ever misses and always kills every enemy in one hit. Then he leaves and bashes his head against a wall, to relieve the frustration that comes from dealing with someone so unbelievably stupid on a daily basis. In the manga, the Sailor scouts found out that Tuxedo mask was an emo and was trying to rape Sailor Mercury and she said, "Just a bit more in... aahh... oohh now my breasts." He was also known to be a tentacle rape target.
- Aleister Crowley – The team's mentor after the three cats are turned into sausage in the third season of the anime (or fifth storyline in the manga). He teaches the senshi various sex magick techniques, and starts sleeping with Usagi after he utterly kicks Tuxedo Mask's pansy ass in a bar fight.
- Luna – A cat. A talking cat. A talking, female cat who is the ruler of the known universe. Refuses to return Garfield's phone calls. She can also take on the form of a plushie, a grown-up female human, a human girl with cat ears and a giant purple squid. Has the ability to create magical objects from her ass.
- Artemis – A "male" cat who is destined to marry Luna, and have a kid who goes back in time to save her parents from the T-800. Later saves Earth by convincing Randy Quaid to ram his Jet into an alien glacier his brother Denis released. is the pimp of Sailor Venus
- Diana – Luna and Artemis's future kitten, a cat who can talk, but apparently can't decide if she's purple or grey. She is one of the most pointless characters in the series, but people like her anyway .
- Nameless Pink Cat - Yes, her name is really "Nameless Pink Cat". Don't ask what her parents were smoking. She appears in a seriously wacked manga sidestory.
- Ng Man-Tat– No one knows how he's been involved in all of this, but just knowing he's there helps us retain a little bit of will-to-live.
- Dave Duncan– He created this series, so why not mention this? If nobody did, then nobody cares.
- Chow Yun-Fat - Has an ability to fire 500,000 bullets without reloading, defeated the final villian "Chaos" in a shootout in a spinoff movie "A Better Tomorrow".
- Ka-Kui - Appears in another spin-off series "Police Story" which took place at the pararrel universe which is our world, a cop who knows kung-fu but also gets in trouble every chance he gets.
- Matt My Bell end and me - Appears from the middle of nowhere and a kills the monsters with Dom Howard's drumsticks and his magic guitar. O.o
- Eddie Van Halen - Eddie was supposed to be in the show performing the theme, but was later dropped for the need of a crappy theme. He is rumored to have actually been in the show.
- Eminem - A wigger who was once a rap artist until he fell out of favor due to some circumstance no one knows about. Later revealed to be a saiyan and defeated Barry Bonds but dies shortly afterwards when Namek explodes before he can escape.
- Edward Cullen - A monkey who eats toilet paper for breakfast. He especially likes the kind with lemon juice and chocolate pudding. Currently having an affair with his brother, Star. They have a daughter.
- Star T. Rek - Edward's brother, who is having an affair with him.
- iPod - Edward and Star's daughter.
[edit] The Bad Guys
- Colton - likes Sailor Moon. Also, is gay. and is a rapist.
- Conor-Likes Sailor Moon, also, is dating Colton.
- Hunter- Likes Sailor Moon, also, is Conor's brother. Also, secretly likes Colton.
- Queen Beryl - The main villain of the series, she has long red hair, and a voice of a transvestite. She was defeated by Sailor Moon, but for some reason, survived. She is currently the Queen of New Jersey. When nobody is looking, she likes to tap into adult tv shows.
- Professor Tomoe - What was that? Pedophile you say?
- Kaorinite- Kaorinite, Kaolinite, whatever the hell her name is, she is the best character in the series. She was killed, then brought back to life. She's got long red flowing hair, and can be considered a hero, seeing as how she has flirted with Tomoe so many times, thus halting his pedophilic actions. Flung into a barrier by Mistress Nine, who didn't want another woman stealing her fun. She can currently be seen portraying Musashi/Jessie on Pokemon.
- Mistress Nine- Actually Sailor Saturn...
- Eudial- Part of the Witches 5, this redhead loves to have sex with fire, and orgasams when doing so. She has a huge-ass machine called a fire "buster" (bustah in JP) which she uses to fuck the Sailor Scouts up the anus. She is currently in the burning building across the street from your house.
- Mimette- Stardom and fame are everything in the world to this dyke. She has a huge lesbian crush on Eudial, however she's such a blonde, she just can't help but be a dumbass. Died when she got sucked into a jet engine by a disgruntled stewardess, all because Mimette was preforming bad karaoke to the song "Bootylicious."
- Tellulu- This plant lover has the biggest rack I've ever seen. She is known to produce big plants, thus coining the phrase 'I love to be tentacle raped, they taked all of you powers when I touch everyone's body of mine.' Killed by Poison Ivy when she visited Gotham City.
- Byruit- Called "Viluy" in english, she was a computer wiz. She hacked into ur l33t space, and deleted ur data. Killed by Sailor Mercury when she threw her into a machine.
- Cyprin and Peterol They may sound like medication, but are actually a pair of twins. One and the same. They were beheaded by Sailor Moon's katana.
- Ugly- A weird kid who likes waffles and has a crush on Sailor Mercury. Ugly is the most beautiful person in the world - or at least he was before Anna Paquin murdered him. There was once speculation that he is the child of Elvis Presley and Angelina Jolie, which he denies. That's very very very very very very very very very very very very stupid because everyone knows that Elmo and Minnie Mouse are his parents. On January 32, 111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 he married Hilary Duff. It is rumored that they are secretly the parents of Sailor Jupiter.
[edit] Reception
Sailor moon has been linked with an increase of keyboard sales since 1995 due to an increase in teenage boys fapping by the computer. Thank you hentai pr0n!
