Saint Benedict Catholic School and Performing Arts College
“I went there”~ OW
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|Saint Benedict Medium Security State Penitentiary, Ltd.
A publicly limited nationalised tax deductible non-profit money-making organisation.
|The Green Flag Status of the school. |
Note: the green flag was stolen from Libya in a game of Capture the Flag.
|Slogan||Dora et Labora|
|Established||Philadelphia, July 4, 1776|
(constitution ratified in Philadelphia, September 17, 1787)
Saint Benedict Catholic School and Performing Arts College is a
secondary school prison situated in Madison County, although nobody knows exactly where it is, in fact some people claim that the school doesn't physically exist, while other say it is found in Kentucky, Al Obama. It occupies a large site surrounded by acres of beautiful scenic grass and trees (all of which are off limits under pain of detention and covers a much higher percentage of land than that which you are actually allowed to go on).
The school has two main buildings, each adorned in a livery which is in no way affiliated to the livery of the other building. The larger of the two buildings is the South Cell Block, which contains around two thirds of inmates at any given time. The smaller is Northern Rock, which is a complete mess just like its banking namesake, and has been bailed out by the tax payer to fund its numerous repainting to stupid colours several times.
The school features several times in the Star Wars trilogy.
- 1 Really good ideas
- 2 Houses
- 3 Park farm
- 4 School Meal Nutritional Misinformation
- 5 School Council
- 6 PBI
- 6.1 Headquarters
- 6.2 Criticism of the PBI
- 7 Yellow Milk Float
- 8 Summary
Really good ideas
“Worst ideas ever.”~ Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons on the school's really good ideas.
The school has a great talent, in that it is highly skilled in coming up with really good ideas, I mean who else would think of placing a wind turbine such that, for most of the day, it casts a shadow over the solar panel?
The school has placed recycling bins on the field behind the tennis courts (which is out of bounds), unfortunately the teaching standard is so low that pupils seem to think that metal coke cans and fanta bottles will biodegrade instantly.
The solar panels and wind turbines which combined cost £20,000.00, cannot even power one building which is never in use anyway. This building has been strategically placed so it partially overlaps the football pitch and makes the pitch unplayable. Sand from the construction of the aforementioned building has since caused most of the school to become part of the Atacama Desert due to desertification.
Standard regulation footballs which are made of relatively soft plastic and limited to 15.6psi anyway are confiscated even if not fully inflated, while it is perfectly acceptable to play with a basketball which is twice as hard and can gather as much momentum as a small meteorite. This is due to the fact that plastic is somehow "hard leather", and therefore automatically a lethal substance.
Illegal substances include deodorant, carbonated water, leather, and any electronic device.
The toilets are nicely situated by the head teachers office, giving the corridor a charming smell of urine. Pupils now are resulting to using thier feet to lock doors and flush toilets but still seem to think its uncool to flush the chain.
Teachers will instruct you to wear your uniform correctly, while they are wearing their uniform slobbishly themselves.
The school has rules against short hair, thereby actively encouraging long hair, which causes the spread of headlice. However, several members of staff, both senior and junior, flaunt these rules, displaying the epidermis on their heads quite nonchalantly, in spite of the fact that the inmates of the school cannot do the same.
|House Name||House Nicknames||Colour||Headquarters||Logo/Grandmaster||Trivia|
|Bakhita||South Cell Block||
Cyril the Chicken (2005/2007, died of bird flu)
|John Paul||John Port||South Cell Block||A duck which repsonds to Geronimo.||House Mouse|
|Kolbe||Guantanamo Bay||North Rock||
Bee "A" (swatted in 2005)
|MacAuley||MacOoley||South Cell Block||Grandmaster Flash||Kremlin|
|Romero||South Cell Block||Rebecca Romero
|Teresa||North Rock||A tree.||Public house.|
Park Farm is a student’s dream in the E-number deprived world of St. Benedict’s, an oasis in the Atacama Desert. There was a time way back in the school’s history when mythical items such as "skittles", 'coke", and the legendary "Martian bar" were freely available from vending machines situated within the school!!. Alas no more, instead students are forced to make their way across the A-38 braving many perils such as.....cats, and.... sharp corners... anyway moving on, as well as park farm there is also a thriving black market of 'hazardous substances' i.e., fizzy drinks.
In every black market industry, there is a well-known leader, a godfather figure, who has thrived through the years together with his wannabe disciples. If I were to disclose the identity of the so-called "godfather", who sells forbidden products I would be at risk of death by drive-by, mysterious and numerous stabbings, and possibly the death of my family members.
Because a small, but nonetheless significant minority of students spend their form period at Park Farm, its name is changed to "Park Form" for part of the day, it then changes to Pork Farm for no aparent reason.
On average, products are 3,000% cheaper at Park Farm as opposed to products purchases directly from the school. Items purchased via four finger discount cost exactly the same from both outlets.
School Meal Nutritional Misinformation
This section is under
New food standards, banning genetically modified food, accompanied by laws prohibiting inbreeding were introduced in 2006 to combat rising levels of these obamanations.
Back in ye olde good old days, school meals were prepared on site, and tasted scrum-diddly-umptious, but thanks to the works of one Jamie Oliver-Twist, each pupil is now entitled to one portion of Krusty Brand Immitation Gruel per school day. The number of calories found in each portion of immitation gruel is inversely proportional to the quantity of gruel. The known ingredients of the gruel are as follows:
- Silicon Gel (found exclusively in the silicon mines of Silicily)
- Carbon Black
- Industrial Adhesive (found exclusively in the silicon mines of Industrial Adhesivicilitity)
- Fluoric Acid
- Ball Bearings
Because of malnourishment, the School Council ruled that the following changes be implemented in order for the school's food standards to almost meet the minimum requirements stipulated by the Food Standards Agency:
- Imitation gruel is no longer served; only real gruel is permissible.
- The eating chamber is redecorated.
- There are to be five exits from the eating chamber, but no entrance.
- Prices are increased on a regular basis.
The School Council, officially known as The United Federation of Planets, formerly known as The League of Planets, is an organisation which strives to unite teachers and pupils by granting power to certain select pupils, while ignoring the rest. The following suggestions have all been ignored by the school council:
- The school relocates to Panama.
- Panama relocates to Belize.
- Belize relocates to El Salvador.
- El Salvador's attached to the red thing.
- The red thing's attached to the blue thing.
- The blue thing's attached to my wristwatch.
- The blue thing's attached to the Ting Tings.
- The Ting Tings are attached to the blue thing.
- El Salvador relocates to Yo Mama.
- A nuclear reactor on site as opposed to wind turbines and solar panels (which are non-renewable).
- Each pupil gets loads of free cash.
- A hot tub in every classroom.
- A giant magnifying glass in the middle of the field.
- An escalator that leads to nowhere.
- The school becomes the official embassy of Vietnam.
- A popsickle-stick skyscraper.
- A helipad on top of the Southern Cell Block.
- The introduction of ruminant mammals into the Northern Rock garden.
- Supermodels to aid learning.
- The school bids to host the 2010 African Cup of Nations.
- The playing fields are used for livestock farming.
- The bell is replaced by a novelty horn.
- The school becomes an independent state.
- A 150,001 capacity stadium is built on the school grounds.
- A silver mine is dug beneath the school and is mined by detention students.
- A cryonic clinic to be built on site.
- A monorail is constructed so that every pupil can board it outside their house and alight it outside their classroom.
- The Northern Rock garden converts to astro-turf.
- Students who will be on the dole when they are older spend their designated period of work experience just lazing around on their fat asses.
- Destroy the entire dromedary camel species.
- The dining hall becomes a billiard parlour.
- Jizz in my pants.
Ongoing Expenses Scandal
There is currently an expenses scandal involving some key members of the school council who appear to have been claiming expenses which they were not entitled to claim for. In fact, a handful of members have even claimed second homes within the school grounds and have used the school's funds to pay for mortgage repayments. Scandalous claims include:
- One pupil employed his own son as a part-time research assistant with an annual salary of £10,000.
- One pupil paid for a nanny who was also a secretary (not actually scandalous in any way).
- A married cabinet couple jacked £655,000 to pay for a second home.
- Some members of the School Council have promised to pay back the money, although none of them have actually done so as of yet.
- Jacqui Smith is a stupid motherfucker.
The Pastoral Bureau(cracy) of Investigation is the school's internal intelligence agency. It has been sued by FBI several times for being a total parody of the FBI. The
FBI PBI allegedly has a squealer in every classroom, and offers handsome bonuses for successful convictions. Little is known about whom is a member of the PBI, but it is probably the most powerful organisation within the school, largely because of its ties with powerful allies such as teachers, bullies, and other nuclear bric-a-brac.
The PBI was responsible for a shake-up of several alleged members of the so-called "edible foods" racket, however they have been unable to apprehend the kingpins behind this heinous crime syndicate, especially the "godfather" figure, who is currently living it up in a casino in Monte Carlo in a jacuzzi with loads of hot women while smoking Cuban cigars. The reason that the "godfather" figure cannot be apprehended is because of the policy of Omertà which has been adopted by everybody.
PBI agents are usually undercover (especially when it is raining because they want to avoid getting wet).
If you mess around Max Mosley will whip you back into line.
The PBI is based in the J. Edgar Domestic Vacuum Cleaner Building in Washington D.C. in the South Cell Block. The building contain seven trillion acres of floor space, most of which contains permanent records of every pupil who has ever attended the school. The permanent records cannot be destroyed by any means discovered thus far. The following attempts to destroy permanent records have failed:
- Burning - the records are fireproof.
- Flooding - the records are waterproof.
- Dissolution - the records are resistant to fluoric acid.
- Throwing in a volcano - the permanent records were simply erupted.
- Being sucked into a black hole - the permanent records resisted the infinite gravity somehow.
- Bombardment with "Yo Mama" jokes.
Some famous physicists (Isaac Newton, Marie Curie, and Paris Hilton to name a threesome of them) have stated that perhaps the permanent records can be eradicated by annihilation with antipermanent records, but these claims are yet to be proven or disproven because the cost of producing antipermanent records, especially in the quantity required to annihilate the millions of permanent records in existance, would literally be astronomical (because antipermanent records have to contain traces of moondust).
Criticism of the PBI
“Guards, fetch me the forms I need to fill in in order to stop this riot!”~ An arbitrary P.B.I. agent on breaking up a riot - such mountains of paperwork are what gives the PBI a bad name, also the stuff below:
The PBI was heavily criticised for the way it investigated the failed assassination attempt of the powerful yet frail student, Mr. C.M. Burns. This was chiefly because an everyday shooting which would normally be assigned a scapegoat culprit in a matter of minutes was constantly procrastinated, with the PBI eventually coming to the verdict that C.M. Burns did not exist, and the whole case was a hoax.
The PBI was also under fire from critics following the way it dealt with the shooting of J.R. Ewing by an unidentified assailant. This was chiefly because an everyday shooting which would normally be assigned a scapegoat culprit in a matter of minutes was constantly procrastinated, with the PBI eventually coming to the verdict that J.R. Weing did not exist, and the whole case was a hoax.
Who Shot Jade Goody?
The PBI was also under intense criticism following the way in which it responded to the shooting of Jade Goody by an unidentified assailant. This was chiefly because an everyday shooting which would normally be assigned a scapegoat culprit in a matter of minutes was constantly procrastinated, with the PBI eventually coming to the verdict that Jade Goody did not exist, and the whole case was a hoax.
Who Shot George Tiller?
The PBI was also under intense criticism following the way in which it responded to the shooting of George Tiller by an unidentified assailant. This was chiefly because an everyday shooting which would normally be assigned a scapegoat culprit in a matter of minutes was constantly procrastinated, with the PBI eventually coming to the verdict that George Tiller did not exist, and the whole case was a hoax.
The PBI was also under intense criticism following the way in which it responded to the shooting of the Stig by an unidentified assailant who was identified as Michael and/or Ralph Schumacher. This was chiefly because an everyday shooting which would normally be assigned a scapegoat culprit in a matter of minutes was constantly procrastinated, with the PBI eventually coming to the verdict that the Stig did not exist, and the whole case was a hoax.
Who Shot Michael Jackson?
The PBI was also under intense criticism following the way in which it responded to the shooting of Michael Jackson by an unidentified assailant. This was chiefly because an everyday shooting which would normally be assigned a scapegoat culprit in a matter of minutes was constantly procrastinated, with the PBI eventually coming to the verdict that Michael Jackson did not exist, and the whole case was a hoax.
Who Shot Latoya Jackson?
The PBI was also under intense criticism following the way in which it responded to the shooting of Latoya Jackson by an unidentified assailant. This was chiefly because an everyday shooting which would normally be assigned a scapegoat culprit in a matter of minutes was constantly procrastinated, with the PBI eventually coming to the verdict that Latoya Jackson did not exist, and the whole case was a hoax.
Who Shot Magic Johnson?
The PBI was also under intense criticism following the way in which it responded to the shooting of Magic Johnson by an unidentified assailant. This was chiefly because an everyday shooting which would normally be assigned a scapegoat culprit in a matter of minutes was constantly procrastinated, with the PBI eventually coming to the verdict that Magic Johnson did not exist, and the whole case was a hoax.
Who Shot Glen Johnson?
The PBI was also under intense criticism following the way in which it responded to the shooting of Glen Johnson by an unidentified assailant. This was chiefly because an everyday shooting which would normally be assigned a scapegoat culprit in a matter of minutes was constantly procrastinated, with the PBI eventually coming to the verdict that Glen Johnson did not exist, and the whole case was a hoax.
Who Shot Ulrika Jonsson?
The PBI was also under intense criticism following the way in which it responded to the shooting of Ulrika Jonsson by an unidentified assailant. This was chiefly because an everyday shooting which would normally be assigned a scapegoat culprit in a matter of minutes was constantly procrastinated, with the PBI eventually coming to the verdict that Ulrika Jonsson did not exist, and the whole case was a hoax.
Yellow Milk Float
There is an ubiquitous yellow milk float which haunts the school, it can be distinguished from other yellow milk floats by virtue of an effigy of a bee which is nailed to the windscreen. You can be innocently walking from Northern Rock to the South Cell Block, or vice versa, when the silent monster running on its eerily quiet electrical motor just comes up behind you, runs you over, and kills you! And then steals your pen!
The milk float is obviously quite ancient, as recent eye-witnesses have stated that the road tax expired in the previous millenium. Despite this, the milk float still drives on a road.
Some skeptics doubt that the yellow milk float exists, but those who have almost been mowed down by it are only too quick to warn of the dangers of this awful monster.
Rumours about the milk float include the following:
- It is more active in leap years.
- It gets angry if you look at it with one eye closed.
- It likes prime numbers.
- It has eye-brows, but only on Saturdays.
- It used to be a slightly darker shade of yellow.
- It votes for the UKIP in European elections, but is apolitical the rest of the time.
“Saint Benedict doesn't do education, but if it did, it would probably almost satisfy the minimum requirements for a place of education as stipulated by the Elementary Education Act of 1870.”~ Ofsted Inspectorate on school.
Despite it's faults, Saint Benedict is probably the best secondary school in Derby*
*The following exceptions apply:
- Derby Gaol
- Every private school within the unitary authority.
- In terms of exam results, every school in the world.
Bend it Like Beckham is a crap film.