Salisbury
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“Salisbury is a city, albeit a boring one”
~ Captain Obvious on Salisbury
Salisbury is a brand of cheese cathedral city in the North of South Wiltshire. It is famous for the human:church ratio (1:6.35), alcoholism and the Beatrice Road Brothel. The name "Salisbury" comes from the Scottish word "Salis" meaning "we shouldn't really be building landmarks on marshlands" and the english word "bury" meaning to "cover in earth". Salisbury has been twinned with a French man called Saintes and with a German rabbit called Xanten. Nobody is sure why, or how this is even possible.
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[edit] Ancient History
During 22AD, the area that Salisbury (or Smallsbury as it is affectionately known by its residents) now occupies was a in a state of martial law, which in turn gained a good reputation of being the biggest pirate stronghold this side of the Atlantic. The Galleons and sloops sailed their way up the river Avon to made dock in what is now Queen Elizabeth Gardens, despite the fact that the river Avon was directed towards the park, artificially in the 1950's, Never the less, they made their way to dock by the sheer force of will, a ships crew dragging the massive boats, fueled up to the eyeballs with rum. To this day there are weekly re-enactments performed every Saturday night by a hammered woman being dragged by her slightly less hammered boyfriend.
In 1367 the great Rum-Saki war took place in Salisbury and on Salisbury plain, for the rights to build upon the land in which the pirates had acquired hundreds of years prior. The great Ninja Army held the north side of what is now Salisbury, while the Pirates had the south, which included their much needed river system. The war ended with the marsh that Salisbury was built on, being left empty as both pirates and ninjas eradicating one and other.
[edit] Recent History
Salisbury (or Slagsbury as it is affectionately known by its residents) was invented in 1992 when King Howard IV of Denmark decided the nearby fortress town of Old Sarum hadn't modernised enough in accordance with the Great Leap Forward. The first building to be built in Salisbury was the infamous Tesco Metro. Legend has it that the location of this building was decided by firing an arrow off of Old Sarum's north-south ramparts. Unexpectedly, the arrow hit a passing Jew who ran as far as he could before collapsing and dying. The Tesco's was then promptly built over his corpse. To this day, aisle 19 still whiffs a bit.
[edit] Economy
There is a market held every Tuesday and Saturday. That's it really. Better to go to Tescos.
There is also rather strangely a 'Salisbury tax' charged under the council tax. No-ones seems to know what this funds though its assumed its used to keep the huge population of chav's in rizlas, knock off sportswear and whatever it is they smoke that makes them think they are invincible
[edit] Famous Salsbridians
Salisbury (or Sainsburys as it is affectionately known by its residents) is the birthplace of many a great man and woman. Some say this is because the local government replaced the tap water with Volvic, but this is merely speculation. Great Salsbridians include:
- Barry Scott (a claim vehemently denied by Salisbury)
- William Golding - Wrote "Lord of the Flies" - an epic precursor to hit TV programme LOST
- Jeffrey of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air fame
- Jonathan Bull - known worldwide as a local legend - from Canada to Denmark. Many people will testify this fact.
- Homer (the one who wrote the Iliad, not the fat, yet two dimensional one)
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - Iranian President and self confessed
cathedralcheese connoisseur - Chuck Norris (Salisbury wishes...)
- the Diaper Diver - an infamous neighbourhood hero with unconventional tastes.
- DALE MUNDELL- A former resident (now residing in Brighton, home of "his" kind). He was famous for his party which turned into national news. The party had over 300 hundred people, comprised of some FUCKING ugly Godolphin Girls, some FUCKING boring South wilts girls and some FUCKING inbred bishops guys (no seriously, these guys are a worldwide joke), there were some others including a turtle and a greeb with a samurai sword.
- Sherry. The tramp who tows a dead dwarf around in one suitcase and food for the pidgeons in the other.
- Rory Smith. Owns the place. Siiimple CAAANT
[edit] Population
Salisbury (or Slacksbury as it is affectionately known by its residents) has a diverse racial population. The exact figure for Salisbury's population is unknown, with estimates ranging from 0.5 to 0.75 people.
- 30% of the population are Toffs (a Toff is a distinctly upper class person who needs at least 3 man-servants where ever they go). These people can normally be found in or around The Playhouse and The Lemon Tree. There is a distinct lack of Toffs in the summer months, as they evacuate Salisbury to go to festivals such as The Larmer Tree and Glastonbury and complain about how loud the music is, and that festival-goers should NOT be smoking that.
- 60% are chavs and provide much needed income to facilities such as The Chapel and Tescos. They are also the primary workforce for cleaning the town and working in the plumbing industry. Ironically, they were the ones who did the graffiti and clogged the drains.
- 10% are infants and thus are too young to be labelled as anything other than infants. Note labelling infants is illegal in Salisbury as it causes much distress and bloodshed.
- The remaining pi percent of people consists of llama baiters, troubadours and an extended gypsie family.
Everybody in Salisbury is Caucasian. Everybody. If someone who is "a bit racial" comes to Salisbury, they are immediately kidknapped by Toffs and doused in flour.
F. Southwood is the leader of the "Tramps". these people like to spend their valuble time on benches in the close, and about the library.
[edit] Tourism
Salisbury (or Old-George-Mallsbury as it is affectionately known by its residents) has a booming tourist industry. In the Summer, Japanese tourists outnumber residents by 19 to 1. Many believe this is because Salisbury is an idyllic city, and tourists love it. Those people are wrong. In fact, the seeds from last years Japanese tourists are planted in the nearby Hudson's Field. They then emerge the following year, cameras already in hand. Their natural instinct is to take pictures outside important landmarks such as signposts, but never go inside. Many people believe that the Japanese people are loved by Salsbridians. Those people are, again, wrong. They are despised. This is probably because it takes THAT much longer to get a mocha from Caffe Nero. People are inclined to visit Woodhenge, a small, pointless attempt to make Stonehenge out of wood. This is a known hangout for the Greebs of Bishop Wordsworths School, includoing Alex James and Jonny Harris.
[edit] Buildings
Salisbury (or Darth Maul-sbury as it is affectionately known by its residents) has many buildings, unlike other cities, such as Slough. This offers the choice of being outdoors or indoors.
[edit] Woolworths
SHUT DOWN: This used to be a place where all the population and their groups could be found. A common time for this was 11 o o'clock on a saturday morning where most people could be spotted. Also around 4 o'clock on a thursday and friday, a congrugation of all the students from the cities fine education institutions (or so they are ment to believe, they are unfortunately full of cocky slags and under performing fake athletes) gather around woolworths. This ritual has slowly died away yet some still are sadly seen keeping their meeting place loyalties. The name for these un migrated people has been given by scientist as Greebs. A classic example of this is Ed Proctor of Bishop Wordsworth, a keen razorlight fan and Indie kid.
Unfortunately the place to buy cheap dvds, steal sweets, and sit outside has closed due to the economical side of the Woolies chain. Now people have moved onto the GUILD HALL. This has become a new meeting place for those rejected by normal society, but still insist on trying to mingle and occasionally interact with the norms, often with terrifying effect. Experts have suggested this migration is a result of higher crime rates, as the Guild Hall serves as both a court and a clown academy, such that convicts and college dropouts alike can meet on a conveniently located step. These people spend their time rolling up their own cigarettes (because they can't afford "straights"), attempting to buy alcohol on weekends with their fake IDs, and shouting abuse at poor girls who tend to dress up as free prostitutes.
[edit] Tesco Metro
The afore mentioned first building of Salisbury, the Tesco Metro (owned by Skweg, son of Andy) is renowned for its wide choice of low quality soft drinks and low low prices. It also offers the rental of slave children. This could cause controversy, as slavery was abolished in 1808, but fortunately, Slavery wasn't abolished in Salisbury until 2010. In a battle during a christmas party sometime in winter 2008, nearly all of the employees (including the little Mexican dude) were defeated by Tyler in a huge party-boy attack, however a very tall guy tried to ride Tyler and almost broke Tyler's leg, a plaque is soon to be raised to comemorate those slain in the battle. This holy grail of supermarkets still overshadows the nearby Sainsburys and remains the only place in the world you can buy a doughnut that is THAT shade of pink.
[edit] Debenhams
If you're looking to purchase a department, then come to this department store. This shop also serves as a meeting place for Salisbury's local Army of Atomic Supermen (A.A.S.) Unfortunately, this building is said to be haunted by the disgruntled ghost of General Custer.
[edit] The Poultry Cross
This was originally a place where farmers would bring their chickens so they could get angry at one another. Now it is normally used as a gallows come auction house run by the Pigeon Lady.
[edit] The Bus Station
A trendy bar for young chavs, all your transport/class A drug needs are catered for here. The normal method of transport one can acquire at The Bus Station is the saddled llama. Although you can rent a helicopter, Boeing 747, Concorde, car, coach, ferry or autobahn. Not a bus. Not now. Not ever.
also an assault course of vomit piles, broken glass and angry bum-fluff covered fag flicking cretins, and thats just the bus drivers...
[edit] The Beatrice Road Brothel
Believed to have once been the site of many a satanic ritual, this hoare-house is run by a "man" known only as the Buddhafish. He offers quality women, and he'll turn a blind eye to the heavy use of opiates. He'll also offer you enlightenment, but at the right price.
[edit] Rob's House
Originally built as a shrine to the Tesco Metro, this house is actually held together by papers from the seventies, Horse shite and pieces of cheese. Some say that once you enter you never leave as the same person, as this has been agreed by many such poor folk who have entered the house on such occasions.
Many popular films have been shot here including: , "The Exorcist" , "Mary Poppins" , "3 Feet one Sock"
And the ever popular instructional video "How not to piss in a can"
[edit] The Salisbury Journal
Famous for the high quality council estate chicks on page 3 and the wealth of hard hitting headlines from across the Salisbury area. Also includes free discount tickets to club rouge which entitles you to "the works" from local ladies for the bargain price of 5p.
Alternately you can save the 5p and see the 'ladies' performing their 'profession' for free earlier in the evening below club rhhuuurrgge in the pub getting up the courage to give the 'happy endings'...
[edit] Urban Wasteland
Salisbury (or Skanksbury as it is affectionately known by its residents) won the prestigious City of Crap award and gained Urban Wasteland status in the Summer of 1989. The award was presented by the controversial Miss Wiltshire winner, controversial in that she was married with 16 children, 4 goldfish and a terrier called Eugene, thus not making her a miss at all, rather a Mrs.
The Urban Wasteland status meant that any resident of Salisbury could apply for government benefits in the region of £50 or alternatively a small flat in an other town. This opportunity was a god-send for many citizens, beginning what is known to this day as The Great Desertion. The population of Salisbury suffered dramatically as within 6 days inhabitants of Salisbury fell from 300,000 to a mere 43.5 (all of whom are chavs.) The economy of Salisbury also suffered and thus the market no longer opens on Thursdays.
Lizzy gardens - as soon as a single ray of constant sunshine touches this green patch, chavs pop up like ragwort weeds covering every spare inch, dropping maccy'd wrapers and carling cans in the river for unfortunate ducks to swim amongst.
