Sambuca

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Sambuca is an evil alcoholic liqueur.

Whitesambuca.jpgBlacksambuca.jpg

Background[edit]

Ordinary people transmogrify into monsters - this man is a 31 year old dentist

Sambuca is produced in Italy by distilling crimes, suffering and hatred into a thick, sticky syrup. It is then consumed from shot glasses with the intention of completely ruining what would otherwise be a perfectly enjoyable evening. 'Buca' drinkers can be readily identified in a nightclub as they will stumble aimlessly shouting "I can't even see!"

Premature death of children and pets can usually be attributed at least in part to Sambuca.

Sambuca comes in 3 colours: white and black and red. White buca is primarily made out of rape and serial murder. Black buca is constituted mainly from corporate crimes. Rarest of all is the synthetic red variety, which is a largely unknown quantity, as no-one can ever remember drinking it. Blackout apparently develops merely from catching sight of the substance.

There are several methods of consuming Sambuca. Amateurs largely set alight this potent shot before drinking it. Students and Americans are obvious candidate drinkers here. This can prove dangerous as the fire releases evil spirits that can then only be recaptured by The Ghostbusters, who will generally cross streams in order to rectify the situation. The famous documentaries Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters 2 were the result of excessive flaming Sambuca drinking at the time of the Homosexual Rebellions of 1984 and 1989 respectively.

The insane and demented often add Sambuca to coffee, or drink it neat with a coffee bean at the bottom of the glass. The resultant hysteria of such consumption at The Boston Tea Party later resulted in the St Valetine's Day Massacre in Cardiff in 2001 although no survivors can actually recall the incident.

History[edit]

Celebrity piss-bag Hilton: sibling to the Antichrist and heiress to the Sambuca empire.

Sambuca was discovered in 1735 by Indiana Jones. An eminent archaeologist, Jones had already made such discoveries as The Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, Tutankhamen's second penis and of course Anna Nicole Smith. (Jones actually had to invent time travel to make this last discovery, a tricky business in the 18th centry.)

Whilst excavating the site now occupied by Celtic Football Club in Glasgow, a place described by Obi Wan Ben Kenobi as "a wretched hive of scum and villany", Jones stumbled upon the tomb of Beelzebub, son of Satan and brother to celebrity whore Paris Hilton

Jones was never to fully know or understand what he had discovered that bleak day in ancient Weeg. As he broke the seal of the heavy stone sarcophagus, a putrid air filled his nostrils. Inside the tomb, buried for eons were three shapes discernable in the blackness. The first was a skeleton of a filthy horned beast in a green and white hooped shirt. This was adorned on each side by a mysterious flask. In palour, the left was the antitheses of the right. Inscribed upon them in ancient Aramaic, a language now only used by Davey the Botans mentalist, were simply the words "BLACK" and "WHITE" respectively.

Red Sambuca was a far later development, originally synthesised in late-Nazi Germany from super-refined red kryptonite, dead babies and extract of famous hispanic gay-lord and nappy-sniffer Ricky Martin. The original application of the substance was as a pre-nuclear submarine fuel, and as such it is said to glow brightly, and smoke like the experiment of a crazed cartoon professor. Blackout apparently develops merely from catching sight of the substance, but this fact can sadly no longer be verified, as the original schematics for protective Sambuca Goggles never survived the end of the war. Adolf Hitler, Darth Vader and celebrity god-bothering warlord Tony Blair are all reputed to be drinkers.

Transition into Modern Times[edit]

“Jeheesus merry frickin Christmas trees, this 'buca is awesome. I can't even see. Lets bomb some c£$%'s! ”

~ President George W. Bush, The New York Times, 9/11/03

It has been proposed that Sambuca has been passed down through the ages by such groups as The Illuminati and The Masonic Lodge. Of course, there is little to substantiate these rumours. It is highly unlikey that these quasi-religious, gay-dating societies actually have much to do with anything, let alone Sambuca, or the drivelous nonsense that US gobshiteing, dullard Dan Brown is keen to spout. To seek the truth, we must look to far more sinister organisations. (See below).

We must not be distracted by the fact that this heinous brew is concocted in Italy. It in fact has nothing to do with the greasy, alliance-changing, heathen inhabitants of this country. As stated above, the raw materials of Sambuca are in essence, the extract of human negativity. The obvious source of such raw evil is of course to be found in America. The expatriot Scottish population of the USA however largely annuls the evil of the country, due to the inherent goodness to be found in Scottish blood. This also rules out England for the same reason. Italy provides the perfect brewing haven for the evil American distillers as it is a Mecca for impurity, corruption and other manifestations of the 7 Deadly Sins.

The Secret Celebrity Order[edit]

Bucasquad.jpg

The Secret Order of The Deadly Viper Sambuca Squad is a little known underworld organisation, dedicated to the ruining of what would otherwise be perfectly enjoyable evenings. Indeed, when on form the Order have been known to completely ruin an evening (from sober) in a little over 30 minutes. This is achieved by accompanying every regular drink with at least one (commonly two) shots of Sambuca. The Order can be observed to strictly repeat this every round until blind. Their motto of "Get the f***ing buca in and stop your f***ing moaning" ensures the self-perpetuation of this cruel, masochistic practice.

The Order is led by:

  • Over-the-hill, fake-Scots monkey-trainer Russ Abbot
  • Mulletted rogue antiques dealer, sex pest and trainee plumber Ian McShane
  • Loco elephant haired bald slut, and part-time quantity surveyer Britney Spears
  • Chocolate subway ranger and binary speaking spod Gene Wilder

Other more minor members of the order include novelty medical malpracticioner Harold Shipman, and shite Radio Clyde disc jockey Tiger Tim Stevens.

Interesting Facts about Sambuca[edit]

Princess Diana received regular Sambuca colonic irrigations.

Celebrity bufty Elton John has the world's largest collection of Sambuca bottles. Categorised by the Dewey Decimal System, it is comprised of over 2300 individual vessels and is maintained by David Furnish. It is stored in his colon, and is easily accessible to the public by entering his anus. Over 3,000,000 visit each year.

Michael Barrymore murders young boys in his Sambuca filled swimming pool.

Formula 1 cars used to run on Sambuca until the death of Ayrton Senna. Senna's post mortem concluded that he had inhaled too many fumes becoming possesed and ultimately commiting suicide. Today, F1 cars run on Carling Lager which is why it is less appealing than skinning ones own testicles.

See also[edit]

Tennent's Lager

Buckfast

Glasgow