Samurai Jack

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Samurai Jack
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Samurai Jack.

Samurai Jack (born Samuel Rye Jackoffsky, August 15 1973-) is an insane mass murderer and serial killer of robots who has left trails of destruction to them in his wake wherever he goes. He sometimes will even kill the occasional human person, mistaking them for robots or evil beings . But those sorts of incidents happen every now and then; mostly, he wages hate crimes and homicides against robots, making him wanted in 15 countries and 2 planets. He has not yet been apprehended, and is said to still be on the loose although the robot killings have settled down in the past few years.

Who is this Samurai Jack guy, anyway?[edit]

Jack stands amongst the aftermath of a humongous gas passing, looking as inconspicuous as he can so no one will find out it was him. Note how he Samuraingly endures his self-impaled knife.
It looks like Jack is leaping into action, but he's really just planning to disrobe again.

Samuel Rye Jackasskovy was born on a foggy and rainy day on August 15, 1973, in the wee hours of the morning. Thanks to the efforts of Genndy Tartakovsky, an animator and a cartoonist, and a stripping superheroine named Stripperella, whom Tartakovsky came across while drunk, they got it on in a moment of boozed-up passion. They woke up later not knowing what happened, but decided that they might as well stick with it anyways and had a son, who is, of course, not Samuel. This baby's name was Bob, but they gave him away, and decided to order a baby online who had been born the same day Jack was, and decided to adopt him.

Early in his life, he was hit in the head by a flying brick, as he and his father were playing a game of "brick ball" out in the backyard. Brick ball is popular in the eastern part of Turkey and is ofter called, "retard ball, brick to the head ball, and finally hit with a brick in the head area ball". This made Jack begin to think he was a samurai/stripper trapped in another world, thus creating him as he is now as he reached adulthood.

The Samurai Jack Show[edit]

Jack would end every battle with his enemies by farting an explosion.

Tartickskooby loved his son even though he was a lunatic, and saw that this crazy behavior of his could be an inspiration, so he decided to make a fictional biography about him and desperately wanted attention.

Inuyasha costarred as Jack's woody sidekick.

It was called Samurai Jack. This show was about Jack fighting an evil wizard named Aku (his real name is Achoo, due to bad hearing in speech. His name is Spanish for "pancakes"), while killing robots and stripping all over the place like there was no tomorrow. He wants to trounce Aku to avenge his father, whom of which was an old hobo who defeated Aku in the past in a game of Chess, named Johnny George, alias "The Ice Cream Mustard Man". Aku could not live the defeat down so badly that years later he decided he would do something about it and up and made his father mysteriously disappear somehow. When Jack came to beat him up for it, Aku had the last laugh and tricked Jack with the whole "your shoelaces are untied" joke, then shoved him onto a bus that took him to an alternate dimension where nothing can decide what time and place it is and there are robots everywhere just waiting for someone to kill them. When he finds out that Aku rules this world as the mayor, Jack decided to set off on a journey to slap him silly and get back home just so he could watch TV.

The plot revolving around him trying to find a portal home all while interacting with characters you couldn't give two-and-a-half damns about while also occasionally reminiscing his childhood at random was really not important anyways, as it was just put there to distract everyone from the true intention of the show--killing robots and endless stripping.

The show itself debuted on Some Day, Some Month, Some Year, on Cartoon Network and ran for 1 billion episodes, the longest on record. At least, that's how long it was initially going to run. Chumchumskoopy lost interest after the 50th show because he decided to pursue other interests, such the zen of masturbation and weasel bowling, similar to when he lost interest in working on his earlier classic, the show known as Dexter's Meth Lab, a show about a six year old drug dealer and his addicted sister Dee Dee. Both shows had then been left in charge of Craig McCrackhead and Butch Heartburn, but they too lost interest and the shows were eventually canceled.

But somehow, the series did so well that George Lucas, the mentally insane creator of Star Wars and Indiana Jones, hired Tartarsaucesky, who on a whim changes the spelling of his name, to do Star Wars: Clone Wars and the upcoming Star Wars: War Wars and the final all anal end to the trilogy Star Wars 7: Revenge of the Shit. This would make Turdturscurvy plunge deeper into madness as well, more than he already is.

Everyone loved it despite how cliché and pretentious it was... except the robots. This caused a major uproar and controversy followed worldwide.

Oh, and he strips too. Have I mentioned that?

The Robot Racism Controversy[edit]

The sexy yet controversial "got oil?" ad featuring Samurai Jack which contributed to the "robo-racism" scandal.

Cartoon Network, the people who had helped make and air the show in the first place, hated robots for some reason (like how cats hate dogs and kids hate vegetables), probably from airing a certain couple previous shows that had a robot main character that didn't do too well, or they may have been prejudiced from the beginning, maybe cause of some sort of trauma with robots. Targarshooby probably did it because he hated Transformers and other shows with robots, and how they had all that spiffy coolness and popularity going for them. You have to have seen the shows back in the day, you can't deny how awesome they were. Go on, I dare you, asshole. I triple-dog dare you. Come on. Make my day.

Ah-HA!! You can't, can you? I knew it. If you tried to prove it wrong, you'd only embarrass yourself. It's true. It's damn true.

With convincing from the insane animator on the entire thing and possibly bribery, they made the show, and when they had came to realize what they had done, they decided to go with it anyhow. To their delight, the show was a success and ordered more episodes to be made by their animators, writers, and other cartoon-making people.

Needless to say, this angered robots a lot. Since Jack does nothing but kill robots all through the show's run, they began to file lawsuits for accounts of racism and considered the personification of the robots in the show insulting and discriminating.

Some time after when Optimus Prime made a statement regarding the issue about the unjust acts of violence committed toward robots throughout the series and the racist ways they were portrayed, Ticklescrooby and the CEO of Cartoon Network, Sam Register, both denied any and all claims that the show is "racist" and that the robots were just being "paranoid" or "their programming is starting to get a little buggy". They were lying of course, but since robots were a racial minority and were always considered bad guy fodder, everyone believed what CN was saying. What a bunch of jerks.

Unfortunately (for the robots), the real life Samurai Jack had also seen the show, and, not exactly being of sound mind and mentality in the first place, began to think he was after Aku himself, as he had wondered why he was wandering around the planet without a purpose.

If YOU meet with Samurai Jack (and in case you're a robot), PLEASE KEEP THE FOLLOWING IN MIND!!![edit]

Don't cosplay as Aku, either.
A picture of Jack someone took before he was killed.
  • Do NOT attack him. He will surely kill you.
  • Don't run away. He can smell fear and he will surely kill you.
  • Make sure you are not, in fact, working for Aku.
  • Make sure you are not, in fact, Aku himself.
  • If you ARE Aku, do not shapeshift. He will surely stab you with his sword. Then kill you.
  • Make sure you are not a robot at all. Jack may get confused and mistake you as a robot, and then kill you.
  • Tell him you are not a robot, and you are really a human in a robot's body. This may make him ignore you, or kill you, depending on what mood he's in at the time.
  • Make sure you're not a cyborg. They're not safe from him as well.
  • Stand perfectly still and pretend to be a statue. Chances are, he will kill you anyways, but it never hurts to try.
  • Don't transform into a vehicle to get away. He will surely kill you.
  • Don't climb into giant robots. Samurai Jack will kill those too. Including Gundams.
  • Don't sneeze.
  • Don't juggle or call your aunt, though he may kill you anyway.
  • Don't touch him.
  • Don't take pictures of him. He will either kill you, or strip (or both, in no particular order).
  • Don't give him money. He will proceed to strip.
  • Don't tear up his clothes. He will throw them off if you do, and this is a very, very bad thing.
  • Don't stare at him for long periods of time. He will strip at you.
  • If Jack is already chasing you on foot, by horse, surfboard, or in a car, the best thing to do is... hell, screw it, just kiss your ass goodbye.
  • Smile and don't think about the fellow brothers he killed, and if you think he's looking hostile, tell him where Aku is, if you know. If you don't, do it anyway.
  • No matter what, DON'T let him strip.
  • Oh, and don't try to stop him from stripping either, because you're going to end up even more dead than normal if you do that.
  • Try and look like a fat scottish guy with a machine gun for a leg, although the chances are he will see through your disguise and kill you.

Currently[edit]

Jack still currently roams around the world, killing robots, looking for Aku, and asking people if they know a way back home (they always tell him how to get back there with directions, but Jack, like all men, doesn't bother remembering them), resulting in causing even more controversy to Turbanskoony as well as adding more fire to that whole "robot racism" that swirls around.

It is rumored that he is living part-time on Samurai Cowboy Island, where he goes to rest on occasion to frolic with the other samurai, but no one has dared to go there to find out.

Misc. Stuff[edit]

  • The Samurai Jack show was banned on Cybertron, because the Cybertronians were appalled by the countless murders of robots.
  • Samurai Jack is what happened to Robot Jones.
  • It is rumored he may have a relationship with "Twilight" Suzuka, but she neither confirms nor denies this. She was also asked if she had an affair with the red haired man she was working with, but she refuses to say.
  • Samurai Jack is secretly a peace advocate sometimes in his spare time.
  • He may be under your bed right now, thinking you're a robot and waiting to kill you!

See Also[edit]

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Samurai Jack is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.