Samwise Gamgee
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Not to be confused with Samwise Ganja, or to be confused under the influences of it
“POE-TAY-TOES!”
~ Samwise Gamgee on "What's Taters, Preciousss?"
“MR. FRODO!”
~ Samwise Gamgee on Everything
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Contents |
[edit] His claim to fame
Samwise, or 'Samwitch' as he was known traumatically in childhood, is most famous for instructing Smeagol on the proper uses of a potato, and for having a romantic fling with an enourmous spider - one of the shortest and most intense courtship rituals ever filmed - in the hit wildlife documentary known as "The Lord Of The Rings". He also had a intamate relationship with his good "friend" Frodo Baggins
[edit] The later years, in brief
He starred in several movies with Frodo, however he was denoted to minor parts as he continued to bring his personal relationships with Frodo into the character he was meant to be playing. The sacking of both Frodo and Sam resulted in the termination of the relationship and they both returned to being heterosexual. A year later he settled down with his dream wife, 'Rosie' - they were married in the Spring of 00 AD, and he reportedly spent the next 40 years growing just daisies in his garden, just to mess with her head. Then he just spent the rest of his days getting baked for life.
[edit] The later years, in briefs
Yes, it was also widely rumoured that he wore his wife's briefs - but that unsubstantiated rumour will only be mentioned in passing, as it does not meet Uncyclopedia's highest standards of excellence of fact checking.
[edit] The even later years
The even later years were every second year, starting when he was forty, the next was forty two, the next forty four. These years combined were known as 'even, later years'.
[edit] The odd later years
Samwise? Odd... well, there was this rumour that (Author's note: Looks like the story about his wifes panties/briefs is sneaking in a second time - please please please do not take this as some kind of fixation.) he always wore a thong and liked it to. (he actually went out and bought his own after trying on his wifes)
[edit] The Sauron Years
In regarding the other famous incident involving his own personal cranium, some lovely scenery, beautiful ambient light, and A Great Big Rock That Smeagol Cracked Over His Enourmous Head, he only ever said "My head really hurts" - this is regarded by most philosophical schools of thought, including even the existentialists, to be a pretty reasonable thing to say. That was a big rock - it must have damn hurt.
[edit] Death?
Samwise hasn't been seen for a while; this is widely attributed to the fact that he was in China, doing a seminar on hobonomics (see below), when the Chinese agents who captured Jack Bauer returned to the Beijing. Shortly after this, China went dark, and not a peep has been heard from it since. However, recently, a possible sighting of Samwise occurred in Japan- indicating that he might have escaped.
[edit] The Uses Of Samwise
Samwise is widely used in cooking, especially in stocks and sauces, as he has a reasonably low melting point and will add a smooth, velvety texture to many dishes.
Samwise is also known to be a good sunburn lotion - however, generally sticking thin slices to oneself is too time consuming to be done unless you are going to be sun-baking.
[edit] What to do if threatened by Samwise
Shoot him, sell the meat and fat, which is useful in cooking and preventative medicine. OR Tell master Smeagol, better known as Gollum, he will insult Samwise so much he will lose the will to live.
[edit] Further Reading
For those who want to know more about Samwise, I suggest these excellent study books:
- 'I wish I had managed to strangle that little plan-ruiner' by Frodo Baggins
- 'I really wish I had managed to strangle that little plan-ruiner' by Smeágol
- 'I wish I had managed to stab that little plan-ruiner' by Shelob (Part 1 of 3)
- 'Or at least got a good kiss!' by Shelob (Part 2 of 3)
- 'He only wanted me for my body, the bastard!' by Shelob (Part 3 of 3)
- 'Case study: Effects of cross species unsuccesful courtship in spiders' by The Jailor Of The Tower
- 'I still know who you are... and you still stole my mushrooms last summer!' by Farmer Maggot
And here is the entire entry from the Lord Sauron encyclopedia:
'Lord Sauron's encylcopedia of folk': (entry under Samwise reproduced with permission, no, not real permission as the book does not exist)
Samwise (hobbit): Do you know what he got Frodo to do with that ring? Do you? That's right, HE FUCKING GOT HIM TO THROW IT IN THE MOUNTAIN OF FIRE! THAT LITTLE PRICK! WHEN I GET MY DAMN HANDS ON HIM I AM GOING TO FUCKING FUCK THE LITTLE FUCKING FUCK FUCKER UP! HE FUCKING DESTROYED THE FUCKING RING! FUCK!
[edit] The works of Samwise Gamgee
[edit] Hobonomics
Hobonomics, unbeknownst to many historians, were actually made up by Samwise in his (disturbed) youth, when one day he was 'tripping' on acid and tripping over a rock, when he found he had no money. He then begged twelve hobbit dollars (hobollars) from passers-by because he needed to catch "The bus home" and because he needed to "invent a bus so he could catch it home" - and thus hobollar economics, or 'hobonomics' was formed, before an ankle injury prevented him from begging and forced him into the ring-destroying, spider-romancing profession.
[edit] Remarkably large nuns
An also little known fact is that Samwise started out as a model - known as 'Prince Samwise Waterloo Saint Pancreas the Fifteenth Of Scotland In Norway' because of his Scottish/Norwegian looks, or "Crybaby fuck" for short.
However, one day there was a freak modellng accident in which his ego almost crushed him to death, and he hissed while bieng asphyxiated "What...... remarkably large nuns" - which of course meant that he could never model again. This led him into acid and eventually hobonomics.
[edit] Germanic Language Family
As a child, and before he was a model, Samwise also invented the Germanic Language Family one day when he was scoffing his bacon down to quickly - what did his mother tell him? Would he listen? Nooooooooooooooooooo.............
In short, he had an enourmous choking/coughing fit, went red, his foot exploded, his potatoes grew happily ever after, his parsley was destroyed by the Lord Of The Nazgul, and while making inhuman hacking sounds he invented German.
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