San Francisco, California

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Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg Warning, reasoned discussion with a homosexual may lead to Rectral Trauma Distress Disorder or your house re-decorated.

“Whoever after due and proper warning shall be heard to utter the abominable word "Frisco", which has no linguistic or other warrant, shall be deemed guilty of a High Misdemeanour, and shall pay into the Imperial Treasury as penalty the sum of twenty-five dollars.”

~ Emperor Norton on San Francisco.

“More like...Coitus Tower. And GAY Coitus Tower at that.”

~ Ben Simon on San Francisco

“Gavin Newsom is a man after my own heart. I <3 you Gavie!”

“San Francisco - the city by the gay!”

~ Gay person on San Francisco

“This is Gay!”

~ A guy visiting S.F. on San Francisco

“Yes please!”

~ Oscar Wilde on San Francisco

“Crap. I got my dick stuck in something again... Oh... HI GAVIN!”

~ Oscar Wilde on San Francisco

“The most faggy goddamned thing you could ever imagine.”

~ Richard Nixon on San Francisco

“This city copied us except there are more steep hills on a 50% incline!!”

~ ATX on San Francisco
An artist's depiction of what a fog-free San Francisco might look like during daytime.
The People's Republic of San Francisco
Motto: "Got n'y Spare Change, sir?"
Civic anthem: "It's Raining Men"
Official language(s) Primarily Faglish, Filipino, Japanese, Chinese, Polish, MexiCAN, Korean, Italian, Nahuatl, Esperanto, Java, Vegetarian, Engrish, English, Bad English
Mayor Gavin Newsom
Established 1967
Currency Marijuana
Opening hours All day everyday except twice a year on the first Thursday of every September

The People's Republic of San Francisco, also known as "Asian Paris", "Homoland", "Home of the Mythbusters", "The City by the Gay" and the "Asian Capital of the Universe" is a communist colony in California. It has one of the highest populations of Gays, Asians, Hippies, and Gay-Asian-Hippies in the world. Located across the bay from the drug dealers in Oakland, San Francisco is a charming city that smells like either hemp, urine or raw sewage depending on where you are.

Culture

People

There are many types of people in San Francisco: butt pirates (Yarrr!), damned dirty hippies, philosophy majors ("would you like fries with that?"), Smug hybrid car drivers who don't recycle, Fabulous Friends of Dorothy, the Sisters of Perpetual Make-Up, several thousand homeless living in luxury condos smoking crack, and people who enjoy pissing and taking dumps on people's front door in broad daylight. Famous visitors who managed to escape include The Great and Powerful Oz, Auntie Em, The Scarecrow, The Cowardly Lion, The Tinwoodsman, Dorothy, and her little dog too! San Franciscans are known for their love of Cher, stupid pointless faires, and lolcats.com.

San Francisco has hella gay dudes, but not nearly as many lesbians, since they all went to the East Coast and Oakland; it is hella easy for straight guys to pick up chicks in San Fransisco by mentioning this. Unfortunately, almost all of these straight guys figure out hours later, when it is far too late, that they didn't actually have sex with a chick, but rather a dude in drag.

The few straight remaining women are hella ignorant. They are completely unaware of how totally awesome the guys from Douchebagia are. These fine gentlemen are often seen wearing ultra tight sagged pants so that it shows off their fantastic colorful shades of underwear. These poor uninformed women bother and insult out-of-town people for not enjoying punk rock, emo, and other forms of tone deaf music. Their bachelor degrees in English are apparently not a sign of any form of intelligence in regards to mating rituals with these men.

The city has a hella high death-to-birth ratio, as most of the city dies of Rectal Trauma Distress Disorder (RTDD). RTDD is a a condition that requires salad tongs and lots of lube to retrieve hundreds of bent objects shoved up an individual's rear because of an overdose on poppers and shopping binges in the Castro. This would not be much of an issue, however, Mexicans and Chinese and DAMNED DIRTY HIPPIES decide to immigrate in mass illegally, a tradition celebrated every year by the flying of rainbow flags and wearing of leather chaps during an event called San Francisco Pride.

THE DAMN DIRTY HIPPIES!

There are currently two distinct cultures of hippies living in San Francisco at this time (we call them cultures, because it sounds more like a bacterial growth. The Cult Underground Hippies are hella uncouth. These hippies live in the sewers, and are held at bay by the courageous SF Militia. Their native habitat is filled feces, urine, hemp, marijuana, old bongs, Viagra-diluted water, and used condoms. These damn dirty hippies eat each other for sustenance, since 'ya know it's like good for the environment and stuff' to recycle. No-one has actually seen one of these Cult Sewer-Dwelling Hippies, but they always leave the unmistakable odor of Skunk everywhere they've been.

Non-Cult Above-Ground Hippies in San Francisco tend to be hella enlightened. They care about the poor because they learned about them from their college professor, and not to mention, are usually penniless themselves. For examples of hippies who have lived, or are living in San Francisco, see Gandhi, That old guy who lives on 19th and doesn't bathe, Mama Cass, and of course the memorable Miles Davis. Damned stinking hippy.

History

San Francisco receives its name from the Japanese pioneer and sushi chef known as Flancisco-san. Due to hella bad Engrish and Russian Reversal, the name had been translated to what it is today. Further research done on Flancisco-san has found him to actually be legendary actor and hella gay dude George Takei. In Chinese, San Fransisco is phonetically translated to "歪优办埋阿素", which literally means "Wai Yoo Bang Mai Ass".

San Francisco had a hella troubled childhood that included an absent father, a crack-addicted mother, and being regularly beaten by his older brother San Diego, his younger brother San Jose, and not to mention, the Red Headed Step-Child of the California Family, Fresno and Fresno's meth lab owning friend Modesto. It had a terrible break-up with a Latino macho Los Angeles after a brief affair with a Latina transvestite Santa Ana.

Now known for being the most important cultural mecca in San Francisco County, SF has not always been so. Most of the city's fame stems from the importance it plays in western cultural history. From the birth of Jesus in the city's Mission District in 0 BC, to the Franciscan monks in the Middle Ages, to the glorious reign of Emperor Norton, to the Sexual Revolution *pelvic thrust* that began in the Haight, to the Silicon Revolution, to the use of trolley cars in those wonderful rice commercials, San Francisco has been and continues to be hella San Francisco.

Language

Unlike other Californians, San Franciscans speak fluent Faglish, also known as French. Taking four years of French in high school not only allows you to speak with other San Franciscans in their native tongue, but also makes you a flaming homosexual in itself. Ten bucks says if you took French you also took Advanced Drama, Home Economics, or Four Years of Gym class so that you could check out the same sex.

Celebrations

City council members lead in the celebrate of San Francisco Pride Day.
Former Giants player Barry Bonds attending a local fair.
  • San Francisco is a center of gay culture. The annual gay pride parade through the Castro is world-famous. Less famous are the specialized street fairs.
  • Howard Street Fair - celebrating freak pride, which is more or less an event to get to know your neighbors.
  • Folsom Street Fair - celebrating leather pride, and is often mistaken for the Harrison Street Fair, since they're pretty much the same damned thing.
  • Harrison Street Fair - celebrating bear pride, also known as 'Ugly Hairy Homos who don't care to shave' pride.
  • Haight Street Fair -celebrating something that happened for a few months 45 years ago. Vendors support the local culture by selling stuff made far, far away.
  • Ashley Street Fair - celebrating furry pride.
  • Mission Street Fair - celebrating pedophiliac (Pervs and Baby-rapers) pride.
  • Mason Street Fair - celebrating sado-masochism (Pure mutual love) pride.
  • Market Street Fair - celebrating polyamorous love (The three S's: Sluts, Satyrs, and Sex) pride.
  • Columbus Street Fair - celebrating pregnancy fetishism (Prego-phile) pride.
  • Bryant Street Fair - celebrating the boundless, intelligent Anita Bryant and her role in gay history. This is also known as raving homophobe pride.
  • Homeless Street Fair - Well this isn't really a fair, as much as it is an entire district, known as the tenderloin. But it is hella easy to mistake it as such.
  • Burn Those Out of Towners at the Stake Fair - See Religious Tolerance

Religious Tolerance

People living in California who practice heterosexuality and religious practices are often gunned down by giant 11.5 inch dildos from drive-bys of rainbow colored hybrids. San Franciscans, being enlightened liberals, know that religious and straight people are intolerant, and therefore do not tolerate them. The "Burn Those Out of Towners At The Stake" fair is a random street fair that takes place anywhere in SF where it is necessary. This means you, you damned intolerant religious fucker!

Economy

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about San Francisco, California.

San Francisco's economy is broken down as such: Typical Expenditures on a monthly basis

  • 0.3% Sourdough bread
  • 12% Public transit fares (This will rise every 6 months by 10%, while service will drop 20%)
  • 1% Hyphy Juice (available at your local 7-11 or just about any place that looks like you might get shot)
  • Hella% Marijuana
  • 3.9% Bongs
  • 4% New Tupac Albums (Mostly sold to and from ghetto people who will probably shoot you in aforementioned 7-11)
  • 16% Gay pornography
  • 67% Lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD for the fascists that are too dumb to understand basic scientific terms)

Taxation/Revenues

  • 68% Parking fines (These are to tax stupid out of town, and rich fuckers who are dumb enough to drive in the city)
  • 110% Ripping off tourists in Chinatown and Fisherman's Wharf
  • 16% Condo sales to internet yuppies who work down in the South Bay
  • 10% lighter-fluid and fire for the spontaneous "Burn Those Out of Towners at the Stake" fairs
  • 14% Taxing the homeless on their spare change ponzi schemes.
  • 6% Selling Joe Montana's old jock straps, and Barry Bonds' used steroids needles
  • 27% Taxation on BALCO Steroids
  • 38% Taxing aforementioned Bong Sales and Marijuana (Which is of course used for medicinal purposes only)
  • 41% Taxing aforementioned Gay Pornography
  • 15% Taxing aforementioned Tupac Albums and Hyphy Juice

Welfare Programs and Socialist Measures

  • 15% program to teach stupid tourists how to use the Muni.
  • 57% another program to educate stupid tourists to stand on the right side of the escalator instead of blocking everyone's fucking way.
  • 69% clean-up of all the Muni-passes that no-one needs from those damned stupid tourists who don't know how to use MUNI in the first place
  • Over 9000!!!% Program to ensure Dot Commers have something to do (mostly by editing the stupid site called Uncyclopedia and lolcats.com)
  • 35% Hobos
  • 12% Cat People Re-Establish Your Life After Your Man Left You Program

Group Make-up that uses the Welfare Programs and Socialist Measures

  • 20.98% White yuppies (also known as dot-commers)
  • 5% Black Yuppies
  • 35% Mexican Yuppies
  • 1% Arab Yuppies (also known as Steve on the customer service line)
  • 75% Asian Yuppies
  • 12% Hippie Yuppies

Cost of Living

San Francisco practices a unique form of housing called "Trickle-down Housing". This form of housing is similar to Reaganomics in that SF Developers are given the green light to create all kinds of huge buildings to house the internet yuppies and rich fucks, and eventually these yuppies and rich people move out of their already over priced condos into even more expensive over-priced condos in a slightly better neighborhood. Strangely, this just doesn't seem to change lack of affordable housing available in the city.

OMG look at that! That architect has hella issues! It's sick! KEEP HIM AWAY FROM CHILDREN!!!

This has led to an unprecedented amount of homeless in SF. Recently, the government has instituted a program known as Care Not Cash. Instead of spending money on the homeless, San Francisco tries to raise their self-esteem by showing that "we care". All citizens, under this program, are encouraged to smile at every homeless person they see instead of ignoring them completely.

Further compounding this housing problem is the fact that too many gays flock to the city in search of getting stuffed by a big burly man whose hair has migrated from his head to his chest, raising prices of everything from hourly hotels, porn videos, condoms & lube, sex toys, and syphilis medicine. Even city subsidized glory holes are not free anymore, nor are pedophile rec centers such as Golden Gate Park or the YMCA.

San Francisco has not always been a cesspool of shit, piss, and homeless people sleeping everywhere. During the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, Atlanta realized that its homeless population and blatantly stupid Black population needed to be shipped somewhere. During this time, all bums, homeless people, hippies, crackheads, hobos, Mexicans, and general unwanteds were shipped on a Greyhound Bus to San Francisco. There were parades in the streets, and San Franciscans everywhere opened their arms to the influx of new people about to get fucked in the ass for the first time.

And speaking of getting fucked in the ass, the advantage of having three million homeless in a city of half a million is that the streets are much safer: getting robbed and gang raped by a smelly group of panhandlers is always more fun than by just a single criminal. The homeless also serve as a ready supply of raw material for Mayor Newsom's Food-Not-Homeless collection trucks, and are particularly delicious when slow-roasted or just eaten right off the cob.

Landmarks

Parachuting from the Transamerica Building is a great way to find hidden snapshot locations.
The city has recently attempted to deter tourists from climbing the famous Golden Gate Bridge.

Being a peninsula (Greek for "penis-shaped land"), San Francisco is a land of scenic bridges and phallic objects. Most famous is of course the Golden Gate Bridge to the North, connecting the city with absolutely nothing, hence the $8 charge to get across it. To the East, the Bay Bridge connects San Franciscans to their crack dealers in Oakland. The Bay Bridge can be reached from dozens of locations in the South of Market district, usually by accident, as one lane of a major street, or even the entire street, becomes an unmarked freeway entrance.

San Francisco is also a land of hills. The view from atop Twin Peaks is not to be missed on the two days every year when the fog thins sufficiently for visibility beyond three inches. And the Coit Tower, a monument for firefighters, is attempted to be burned every year by raging lesbos who feel that it is far too phallic a symbol for our modern society.

The ultimate scenic overlook is found in the famous Tranamerica Building in the Financial district, Pereira's Prick, which also provides an automatically-respawning parachute, allowing tourists to reach hidden areas where they can perform unique jumps to increase their score.

Satellite pictures show the Bay Bridge after minor earthquake repairs.

Mascot

The mascot of San Francisco is Mayor Gavin Newsom's hair, which can be seen from almost all vantage points in the city. Like Gavie's hair, San Francisco will always be clean like a McDonald's public restroom, utterly fabulous while doing nothing, earthquake proof, homeless and hippie free, capable of making a damn good fair-trade organic double-shot decaf-caffeinated nonfat-extra lard soy-goat's milk latte frappauccino mocha with whip cream and a twist of lemon for all yuppie scum.

Transportation

San Francisco has a world-famous public transportation system called MUNI. Muni is a system of trains, buses, hamster wheels, and pneumatic tubes. MUNI in Faglish is directly translated as "top system for breakdowns". Transportation Magazine called it "the best place in America to watch a bus run over an old Chinese lady crossing the street by another Chinese Man driving the bus". MUNI is secondarily used by out-of-town assholes who don't know what the fuck they're doing, and stop natives on a constant basis all fucking day with "Uhh.. Excoozie... Where I am?"

Speaking of out-of-town assholes, The mode of transportation most popular with tourists is the "El", a system of streetcars running on an elevated track. The streetcar has become a San Francisco icon being used in many forms of media, the foremost of these being the Rice-a-Roni commercials.

The MUNI buses are so well-known for being on time that the city funds a website, http://nextmuni.com, to brag about their timeliness. Transportation outside of the city core is provided by BART, a network of monorail systems (from the latin mono, meaning one, and rail, meaning thing that could collapse in the next earthquake). BART also doubles as sleeping quarters and restrooms for the region's homeless.

Thankfully Muni employees are always are the most helpful, diligent and intelligent people to deal with when you need basic information about the Muni system. LOL okay nevermind, who the fuck am I kidding? These people couldn't be helpful or on time if their lives depended on it!

Some locals drive, as street parking is plentiful throughout the city at reasonable costs ($75 for the first hour, and an arm, leg and your firstborn son for every hour past that).

Rickshaws pulled by buck-toothed Chinamen with conical hats in Chinatown are also common. Taxis are also widely available for use, except of course when you need one, and don't even think of calling that shit-tastic Yellowcab service at 3 AM in the tenderloin - It ain't happening, buddy.

Government

San Francisco practices "election by ordeal." Mayor Gavin Newsom won the Mayor's seat by hanging from his nipple rings for 38 minutes, beating Matt Gonzales's time of 35 minutes.

The People's Republic of San Francisco has long endured under its current leader, Mayor Gavin Newsom. He reigns supreme in the old State Capitol building, announcing Party edicts as his directives, and of course keeps all the peasantry in line. Newsom's responsibilities include never missing a photo-op, ensuring the city's mascot (his hair) stays 100% perfect, fucking his best friend's wife, and performing legitimate gay weddings (only valid in San Francisco). Newsom somehow managed to marry a hot supermodel lawyer while simultaneously catering to the gay voting bloc by looking like a complete homo by using at least three types of product in his hair. As time moved on, and their blissful marriage became less blissful (the drugs wore off), his wife took off in a hurry and moved to New York.

Newsom first declared himself Grand Mayor Chairman of the People's Republic of San Francisco in 2003. He sailed to complete solidarity with the strong gay voting bloc by rounding up all the unattractive homeless and replacing them with imported top-of-the-line designer homeless, and replaced the urine-filled stench of Market street with Martha Stewart's brand of urine potpourri. The people rejoiced and Newsom's iron grip was further tightened. It was then that Newsom knew that to ensure 100% dominance he must create an image so iconoclastically San Franciscan that no-one could possibly ever hope to challenge him. And so, Gavin Newsom's Hair (The Mascot!) was born.

Newsom was reelected in a landslide victory in 2007. His reelection was no surprise because because the vast majority of the City's residents are hoping to jump Gavin's bone. An effort to upset his reelection was headed by Alex Tourk, Newsom's one time campaign manager turned cuckold by Newsom himself, when he founded Families Against Gavin (FAG). FAG's failure was also no surprise since it's members included Tourk joined by two lesbian women and the three other straight men

San Francisco's well armed militia, ready to cater to the "needs" of the people.

(living in hiding) that reside in San Francisco. Not to mention the fact that as all good dictators know - It's not who votes that counts, it is who counts the votes. Newsom will now serve his second term in office where he will be swooned over by all men in the city between the age of 16 and 98 and continue to perform gay marriages in which each of the men getting married is imagining that he is in fact marrying Newsom himself rather than the other chubby bear/fiancée in a tux.

San Francisco has its own leather gimp-suit Militia, who dispense justice with a crack of the whip and a wink of the eye. Spanking is reserved only for those who have been really, really naughty. All of these self-proclaimed "ass police" are issued their very own ball gag and studded leather paddle.

Travel Tips

On a clear day, you can see for three whole yards!

San Francisco's ethnically diverse neighborhoods are the backbone of the city. These include Hunter's Point, Bayview, Dogpatch, Visitacion, the Hispanic Inner Mission, the Hispanic Outer Mission, the Hispanic Excelsior district, and Chinatown. and of course the Tenderloin. The corridor along Mission Street contains norteños, chicanos, Latinos, cholas, vatos, hispanics, Mexicans, and of course Mexican-Americans. Pacific Heights, a reserve set aside for politicians and rich snobs, is opened for 30 minutes every Sunday to allow the poor a brief look at what they'll never have. It is known for not only WASPs but also Ward Connerly, Barry Bonds, one half-Irish lady and one (nonpracticing) Jew. San Francisco also has many historical cultural communities, such as the homeless that live on market street and the homeless that live in the Tenderloin and the homeless crackheads found in the mission that like to hang out near the BART stations. Other cultural groups include The homeless that live in shopping carts, the homeless that live in boxes, and the homeless.

Nob Hill provides a scenic view of the Tenderloin, allowing residents to look down hooker's tops and try to guess which were born female. Formerly-agricultural Potrero Hill provides stunning views of the new, empty high-rise condos and loft buildings of the recent Bayside gentrification, while formerly-military owned Hunter's Point is now a vibrant agricultural community, mostly hydroponic, providing hazy views of, like, something hella... um... dude, just check it.

Travelers looking for history can visit the famous Haight-Ashbury area, where the spirit of the 60's lives on in dozens of shops transplanted from Hollywood's Melrose district and New York's Greenwich Village. For travelers with young children, the Castro District and South of Market are always exciting, especially at night. This district is notorious for its incredible discounts on butt plugs, vibrators, and other anal stimulation items of all shapes and sizes. This is due to Harvey Milk's pioneering "Dildos for Peace" program. Be sure to pack your bright pink hot pants and ass-less chaps, and you'll be ready to take on all that San Francisco has to offer!

San Francisco is known for its wide variety of world-class cuisine. For example, on Geary Street, visitors can find two Jack in the Box restaurants--and, right around the corner on Market Street, the only Del Taco north of Fresno. Thai style delicacy of fried cockroaches with oyster sauce are available just about anywhere in Chinatown, except that they are eaten raw as passing food off as Japanese is commonplace here. Great discount places to eat can be found in the Fisherman's Wharf and Union Square areas (beware of the fakes!).

Famous Residents

  • Michael Savage - Speaks for all the conservatives that haven't been participated in the "Burn Those Out Of Towners At The Stake" fair
  • Michael Moore - Speaks for all the liberals that... Oh nevermind, he speaks for everybody!
  • Michael Jackson - Speaks for pedophiles
  • Michael Kors - Speaks for luxury hand-bags
  • Michaelangelo - Speaks for hella awesome art
  • Cockroach - Speaks for the new species that will take over when the remaining San Franciscan Residents die from RTDD
  • Hippies
  • Mrs. Doubtfire - That coked-up cross-dressing granny who took care of those kids

See also

American Old West
Towns

Bakersfield  · Denver  · El Paso  · Fresno  · Los Angeles  · Oklahoma City  · Omaha  · Phoenix  · Portland  · Roswell  · Salt Lake City  · San Antonio  · San Diego  · Santa Fe  · San Francisco  · Seattle  · T or C  · Tucson  · Tulsa  · Yuma

Prominent Figures

Cowboys and Cowgirls · Wild Bill Hickok · Wyatt Earp · Doc Holliday · Jesse James · Chuck Norris · Buffalo Bill · Sitting Bull · Pat Garrett · Jimmy the Cowboy

Transport & trails

Oregon Trail · Mormon Trail

Lore

Battle of the Little Bighorn · The Bunfight at the OK Corral