San Francisco Giants
The San Francisco Giants are a baseball team composed of misfit toys and rejected Skynet machines that has left the city of San Francisco in agony and embarrassment since 1751. The team has never won a world series and has only been nominated for 3 Porn Awards in its 257 year existence. In 2009, the Giants are viewed by most baseball experts to have a genuine shot at contending, thanks to the addition of the T-X robot from T3: Rise of the Machines and some new Billy Beane Moneyball Computer software. Also, for good luck, General Manager Nick Sabean has managed to steal several jars of David Eckstein's urine. It will be put on display in the Giants clubhouse to motivate the Misfit Toys and give them the gritty gritted grittiness of an Eckstein.
After all, they might be midgets. But the P.C. activists who rule the city with an iron fist insist not to call the team "Midgets". The alternative "Dwarfs" and "Elves" were also rejected.
The cavernous and often ridiculed Candlestick Park was the Giants' home between 1960 and 1999. Players hated it with a passion because of the wind and cold during most games. The weather was not a problem for fans because most were legally drunk by the third inning. The term "roadrage" originated from the congestion and resulting incidents in the parking lot outside Candlestick after a Giant loss.
The average game attendance at Candlestick for a regular season game was 17,412. The largest crowd was 61,308 in 1993. The smallest crowd ever was 986 in 1977 against the Montreal Expos. Fans who made it through an extra inning night game were given a "croix de Candlestick" pin as a reward.
Fan violence was also a regular occurrence at the Stick. Especially in the bleachers during a night game against the Dodgers. Most fans cheered these antics wildly and booed the security for ejecting fighters, pennant burners, etc from the game. This was also the only ballpark in baseball that permitted the explosions of massive M80 Firecrackers during games. Violent incidents nearly doubled on "Bat Day", where young men in Hunter's Point could be seen smashing everything in sight after the game.
Unlike it's successor, the glamorous Pac Bell Park, Candlestick did not serve Garlic fries, sauteed spicy shiitake mushroom, barbequed ostrich, hot wings, dungeness crab, french wine, or micro brewery beer. Fans got "aged" hot dogs on stale bun and Budweiser. There was no need to trash cans at Candlestick. The hot dog wrappers and beer cups ended up swirling around the pitchers mound.
Fans tearfully bid the 'Stick goodbye on 9/30/1999. There are still many die-hard Giants fans that actually admit to missing it to this day.
AT&T Pac Bell SBC Yahoo Park
The team plays its home games at ATT/Yahoo/Pacific Bell Park. The current capacity is 40,654. For reasons unknown to most, the Giants sell out some of their home games where fans pretend to enjoy themselves in their $75 nosebleed seats in Section 321 with $12 beers and $10 hot dogs after paying $60 to park in the stadium parking lot. The stadium ATM machines are notorious for running out of cash due to the high price of staying through an entire game.
As this is politically-correct San Francisco, the park also features the only woman and african-american PA announcer (Renny?) who screams at the top of her lungs when the Giants come to bat. The Giants also allow five year old kids to mangle player names over the stadium loudspeakers during the entire third inning. Other features of this park that no fan should do without include an 80 foot giant coke bottle, a giant leather mit, a "cute" car advertisement on top of the left field fence, a kiddie slide, and of course "balldudes" (aka pathetic 90 year old men that move at the speed of snails). Despite these features, fans still continue to leave the stadium with the one impression, "damn, the Giants really suck".
For the 2008 season, it is rumored that tickets prices at ATT/PAC BELL/SBC/YAHOO will be raised 500%. This is necessary to help out with Barry Zito's ridiculous $126 million contract and the anticipated re-signing of Barry Bonds through 2013. Single game box seat prices will increase from $100 to $500. Bleacher seats will be $100 per game, plus a $40 "Bonds" tax for seats in the left field bleachers. Also, ticket prices for games on Tuesdays, games against the Washington Nationals, and games that Zito starts will triple in 2008.
The Giants have had their share of legitimate baseball stars including argueably the greatest ballplayer of all time, Willie Mays Hayes. Other noteworthy players that have donned a Giant uniform include Buggs Bunny, Henry "Rookie of the Year" Rowengartner, Gaylord "Ha Ha Your Fucking Name is Gaylord" Perry, Bobby Bonds (deceased), The "Clark Brothers-Jack & Will", Mike Kruk, Robbie Thompson, Jeff "Superman" Kent, Rod Beck (deceased), Benito Santiago, and Moises "Moist" Alou, who broke Oscar Wilde's record for "Oldest Fuck in a Baseball Game" when he started on his 7,422nd birthday. Current Giants of note include Andre, The Big Show, The Jolly Green, The Governator of California, and Ron Jeremy's penis.
Of course, no article about San Francisco Giants baseball would be complete without mention of probably the most noteworthy player in their history...Bob Brenly. On 9/14/86, Brenly committed four errors in the same inning (MLB record), then hit his second home run of the day to win the game against Atlanta. It is a little known fact, but Brenley also participated in a circle jerk with Rod Stewart in the Giant lockerrooms, after which, Stewart had to be hospitalized. Brenley and Stewart both deny it. But it's fucking true.
Barry Bonds doesn't deserve mention, but we'll give it to the juiced up freak anyway. It is unclear how many of his 762 home runs are legitimate. Many experts feel the real number is between 250-300 home runs. Bonds has disputed this estimate claiming his non-juiced home runs is closer to 400. A filthy, used-up prison-whore has gone on record to say that she doesn't believe Bonds has used 'Performance Enhancing Drugs' because, "LYK OMG HE WZ DNOE IN LYK 5 MINS 4 REEL! RIK SOLOMIN WUZ WAYYYYYYYYY BETETR!"
In May 2010 Barry Zito (the crazy lefty that gets paid in diamonds after jumping ship across the bay) was kidnapped for braiding the mane of a Unicorn under the Unicorn Club gay restaurant and bar. Transcriptions of his last phone call have been leaked on numerous bounty sites posted by Tim "The Freak" Lincecum because he can't deal with being the best player on a sub-mediocre team.
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