San Jose

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Ciudad de Los Joses de Santos
Man yelling at computer.JPG
Typical San Jose native engaging in morning ritual
The Way to San Jose, as shown by Google. Crtl-Z for escape.
Motto: 1101001011010100010011011101010011111010110100111
Civic anthem: "Autotune the News"
State California
Official nickname Silicon Valley, iJose, San Francisco Beta, Suburbia 4.0
Official language(s) English, Mexican, Asian, Indian (no feathers), Binary
Mayor Outsourced to Bangalore
Established June 23, 1979
Currency gigabytes
Opening hours Please stay on the line, and we will be with you shortly.

“Do you know the way to San Jose?”

~ Dionne Warwick

“Shit, I meant San Francisco.”

~ Dionne Warwick, upon arrival

San Jose, also called San Josie, is an Amerikan suburb of ten million when you count illegal immigrants. Home of the amazingly successful dot-com start-up, the city's tech companies attract America's brightest technological minds except when they can get them from India. Visitors searching for something to do can indulge in a fresh glass of Natty Lite from the local Hooters and watch 50-year-old laid-off tech workers motorboat boobies half their age. Movie theaters have been outlawed in the city in favor of Netflix and illegal downloading.

The Great Homotronian Technological Englightenment of 1979[edit]

In 1979, aliens from the planet Homotron were attempting to locate gay bathhouses on their iPad when they accidentally crash-landed about 60 miles south of San Francisco. Disappointed with their unintended destination of an apricot orchard and a white trash trailer park, the Homotronians became dismayed to find earthlings couldn't fix their iPad's cracked screen. The need for Apple Stores was clear. Using their info-transmitting tentacles, the Homotronians touched San Jose local Steve Jobs deep down in places we don't talk about and fed him all the enlightening technological knowledge earthlings had so long been deprived of. Thus, an industry was born.

Natural Habitats[edit]

Beware; he might bite...

Should you be so lucky during your visit to San Jose, you may encounter a computer nerd in his natural habitat of an office chair adjacent to a Dell laptop and a bag of Cheetohs. Generally, if undisturbed, these creatures remain tame, but they are also very easily excited. Be advised by the following guidelines to avoid unpleasant encounters:

  • Remain silent and watch from a distance--the nerd is focused on a task, or maybe just another WoW battle.
  • Pinch your nose or, preferably, use a clothespin to avoid the atrocious odors that result from nerd's lack of bathing.
  • If you dare to have a pleasant conversation with the nerd, steer the conversation clear of normal smalltalk like the sports or the weather outside; the nerd doesn't know or care about either.
  • Don't talk about LINUX.
  • I repeat: do not talk about LINUX.
  • As a sign of cultural understanding, prepare by dressing in your ugliest sweater and gym shorts.
  • Make sure your breath smells like day-old pizza.
  • Children and Pregnant Women should avoid contact with computer nerds, as they are susceptible to infection of the nerdom virus

Famous Talent[edit]

Smash Mouth conducts the London Philharmonic Orchestra at the height of their career in Oct. 2008

One of San Jose's greatest claims to fame Embarrassments is being home to the critically acclaimed rock-jazz-blues fusion band Smash Mouth, who during the 90's and 00's produced some of the best music the world ever heard, including "All Star", "Walking on the Sun", "Smells like Teen Spirit", "Yesterday", "American Pie", "Beethoven's 9th Symphony" and Motzart's "The Magic Flute." Of their music, esteemed New York Times music critic Annette Leonard has said, "They are so fucking good they make me want to crap my pants."

In 2006, Smash Mouth lead singer Steve Harwell received the San Jose Lifetime Achievement Award for using the profits made from their music to feed the city's homeless, ease the tensions in relations between ethnic street gangs, and cure Lindsay Lohan of herpes. To commemorate his work, the city erected a to-scale phallic fountain that jizzes all over downtown's San Pedro Square.

Local Attractions[edit]

Officially known at the poop statue, the stone construction in the center of Plaza de Cesar Chavez was placed there when the god Quetzalcoatl looked down from the sky and noticed that all of his people had been converted into fertilizerQuetsalcoatl shamed the current residents into erecting a statue in the form of dung in the center of downtown. There is also a tech museum. The only fun thing you can do there is play second life at the virtual world exhibit.

Please see Oakland, Newport Pagnell and San Francisco for more information.

See also[edit]

American Old West

Bakersfield  · Denver  · El Paso  · Fresno  · Los Angeles  · Oklahoma City  · Omaha  · Phoenix  · Portland  · Roswell  · Salt Lake City  · San Antonio  · San Diego  · Santa Fe  · San Francisco  · Seattle  · T or C  · Tucson  · Tulsa  · Yuma

Prominent Figures

Cowboys and Cowgirls · Wild Bill Hickok · Wyatt Earp · Doc Holliday · Jesse James · Chuck Norris · Buffalo Bill · Sitting Bull · Pat Garrett · Jimmy the Cowboy

Transport & trails

Oregon Trail · Mormon Trail


Battle of the Little Bighorn · The Bunfight at the OK Corral