San Seattle Riot

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The San Seattle Riot started on July 6, 2006 in San Seattle, Calorington after President George W. Bush locked the state's electoral votes. Sixty-five Caloringtonians died during the three-day frenzy.

News of Bush's actions was first made public on the evening of July 6th, and the response from rioters was immediate and violent. Within two hours of the announcement, there were widespread reports of individuals growing their hair long, burning draft cards, and smoking dope at Grateful Dead concerts.

TV and radio stations attempted to quell the unrest by broadcasting the Conan O'Brien show non-stop on all stations, but somehow that just pissed people off more.

On the second day, insult was added to injury as the mayor revealed that the tooth fairy was, in fact, just a story that the rioters' parents made up to fuck with them. In retaliation, rabble-rousers stormed several city buildings, including the Calorington Correctional Facility, the Calorington Rejectional Facility, and the Calorington Confectional Facility. In the ensuing chaos, inmates, rejects, and pastries were turned loose on the streets, and many bald-headed historians point to this event as a major turning point in the San Seattle Riots.

On the third day of rioting, shit went crazy. Reliable accounts of the events are sketchy, but it's generally agreed that Shawn got way twisted on vodka and mountain dew, and ended up making out with that freaky chick from State. A few reports of silly moustaches being drawn on passed out rioters are on record, but are generally regarded as unsubstantiated rumors.

Police later came under heavy criticism for their excessive use of peanut butter as a crowd control method, which human rights organizations claim can cause long-term chubbiness. In an official press statement, Calorington Police Chief Max Headroom responded, "You know when you put that stuff on the roof of a dog's mouth? That's really freaking funny!"

Responding to a strong wave of anti-government sentiment which ensued in the aftermath of the San Seattle Riots, all Calorington politicians agreed to commit honorable sepuku effective immediately.