Sandpaper
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Sandpaper is an extremely useful form of paper which is composed of cheap ordinary paper, billions and billions of chunks of artificial imitation sand (silicon monoxide), and industrial-strength glue to hold it all in one cohesive piece.
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[edit] Commercial Grades of Sandpaper
Sandpaper from the hardware store comes in many commercial grades[1]:
- 35: teflon paper (not really sandpaper, because sand &/or glue won't stick to it for some reason)
- 18: glossy magazine paper (microscopic grit)
- 14: inkjet printer paper (extra-fine grit)
- 10: ordinary newspaper (fine grit)
- 7: varnish remover (medium grit)
- 3: potato skin remover (large grit)
- 1: car paint remover (extra-large grit)
- 0: car rust remover (small chunky rocks)
- 00: car chassis remover (medium chunky stones)
- 000: car remover (large chunky boulders)
- 0000: landscape remover (small chunky asteroids)
- 1230: grown on trees, used as glasses clothe
[edit] History of Sandpaper
[edit] Ancient Times
Sandpaper was first produced in 2525 BCE in the vast arid desert of Daytona Beach, Mesopotamia, when Nimrod the Mighty Hunter accidentally dropped a large papyrus scroll documenting his glorious hunting career into a nearby cat litter box and the cat subsequently peed on it. However, this unfortuitous event led absolutely nowhere, because the Mighty Nimrod went bananas with rage and slayed the aforementioned cat with his mighty bare hands.
[edit] The Modern Era
Skipping ahead to 2003 AD, soon after the introduction of Extraordinarily-Soft Charmin™ Ultimate Bath Tissue with Flowery Scents and Thick Luxurious Layers of Pure and Gentle Softness and Embroidered Lanolin-Enfused Lace (Now Softer Than Ever!), the rugged manly manly Men of America went totally apeshit with rage. In response to this heinous hygienic development, sandpaper was reintroduced into real American bathrooms so real men could one again give their tingling anuses a delightful gritty, itch-relieving, and thoroughly stimulating scrubbing they richly deserved after a decent healthy American dump, just like in olden times.
[edit] Sand Paper for your ass
Sandpaper is known to be a good way to remove dead skin from your ass. It keeps it looking nice.
[edit] Sand Paper as a Map
Sand paper can also make a useful map [4]. From the Sahara to Nevada, one single sheet will cover all your needs. Just make sure you have the right grade of paper (see list above) to suit the scale you require, and you're all set.
[edit] Footnotes[2]
[1] Sandpaper grade guide from Manly Men's Home Journal for Real Manly Manly Men (Sept 1987 issue, pp 64-83).
[2] "Footnotes" should read "Footnote"[3].
[3] Not any more.
[4] As endorsed by Bear Grylls.
