Sarah Robert Whitney Britney Whatmore (b. the Jurassic period in Stockport, Greater Madchester, d. 12 November 2002, resurrected 13 November 2002, missing and presumed dead since 24 January 2004) found fame in the United Kingdom for many millennia as the sole survivor of the Jurassic period, the face of Chewits, star of the 1994 film, Jurassic Park and international pop star.
Jurassic Park and the Court Case
Sarah's career took a nosedive in the years following the phenomenal success of Jurassic Park when it was revealed that rather than clever camera trickery, as originally assumed, Sarah really had devoured the people she is seen to eat on screen. A well-publicised court case ensued, with Sarah becoming one of the most photographed celebrities in the world, and she now holds the current world record for newspaper column inches (regarding her 1997 court case) of 12 inches. The charges of mass murder against Miss Whatmore were swiftly dropped in October 1997 when it was revealed that she had been fighting an addiction to Chewits, the sweets which she had famously endorsed during the 1980’s. Sarah’s solicitor, Maureen from BBC‘s Driving School, and the judge agreed to a period of rehabilitation in a psychiatric hospital instead of a traditional conviction, which was seen by many as yet another example of the failing British judicial system.
The Intervention of Maureen from BBC's Driving School
Maureen from BBC’s Driving School remained close to Miss Whatmore following the court case, and it was announced in January 1998 that she would be taking over the role of Sarah’s manager from Esther Rantzen. Maureen snared a deal with ITV for an exclusive ‘fly-on-the-wall’ documentary serialisation of Sarah’s Chewits rehabilitation, shown as a 20 minute segment every Thursday on This Morning, presented by then current hosts Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan. The show was broadcast from March 1998 until May 1998 and initiated the U-turn in Sarah’s career that she had been waiting for. A poll run in the Daily Mirror in July 1998 posed the question “Is Sarah Whatmore a loveable Jurassic dinosaur, or an evil murderous bitch?”, returning an overwhelming 97% vote in favour of Miss Whatmore of the 913 trillion readers polled. The 20 minute segments of the This Morning show were re-edited and compiled into a 3 hour show, commentated by Steven Hawking, with exclusive interviews with those close to Sarah, including 1980’s songstress, Cyndi Lauper.
The finale of Maureen’s attempts to ingratiate Sarah Whatmore back into public favour was a hard-hitting interview with the world-renowned journalistic team of Gina G and Cheryl Baker. A tearful Sarah publicly apologised for her consumption of innocent human bodies and announced that she had been “clean” of Chewits for almost twelve months on the airing of the show in October 1998. The show was syndicated throughout the world in an attempt to relaunch Sarah’s career on a worldwide scale, with viewing figures for the live interview estimated at 465 million at the time, later confirmed as 490 million by Bungle from Rainbow. It finally looked like Sarah was getting her career, and life, back on track.
The Death of Maureen from BBC's Driving School
Events took a tragic turn just two days after the airing of the interview, when the world woke up to the breaking news of the death of Maureen from BBC’s Driving School. Rumours swiftly circulated that Maureen had been involved in a tragic rollercoaster accident, but these were dispelled on BBC TV’s childrens television series Grange Hill, when former character Roland Browning made a brief return to announce that Maureen from BBC’s Driving School had in fact died from a Chewits overdose, having suffered the indignity of being found, deceased, amongst an enormous pile of Chewits wrappers in a hotel room in central London. Roland warned against the dangers of Chewits, apparently being chosen for the announcement after the infamous tabloid photographs of him stumbling out of well-known celebrity hotspot, the Met Bar, with a packet of Chewits visible in his hand (later revealed to belong to media whore and ¼ of All Saints and ½ of Appleton, Nicole Appleton) had been circulated earlier the same year. The news reverberated around the world with shocking rapidity.
Just days later, Maureen from BBC’s Driving School's funeral was held in Grimsby Methodist Hall as it was the only holy building with a doorway big enough to allow entrance to Maureen’s coffin of choice, her 1993 Lada Riva estate car. Maureen’s apparent staunch conviction to remain grounded, despite her new-found fame as manager extraordinaire, had heartened the public who were pleased that she did not deviate towards the increasingly competent vehicles produced by Skoda. The funeral was attended by many high-profile people from around the world, including Grace Jones, Lindsay Lohan, Craig McLachlan, Bill Clinton, Louise Redknapp (nee Nurding), B*Witched and Michael Jackson. Sarah spoke an emotional testament to the life of Maureen, and a montage of Maureen’s verbal highlights of BBC’s Driving School was performed by Grimsby Methodist Boys Choir, with accompaniment from Mr. T (Maureen’s lover from 1987 until shortly before her death).
Maureen’s funeral will be most vividly remembered for the song written and performed especially for the occasion by Sarah Whatmore and Delia Smith, You’re Dead. A live recording taken from the funeral was released on CD, Cassette and both 7" and 12” formats. The recording went on to become the highest selling single in the world at the time, hitting #1 in over 38,629 countries on earth and other planets. Despite Sarah being a household name in America, the single sold in shockingly small numbers there but did peak at #2 on the Billboard Dance Charts, behind Dannii Minogue's Success! ('Cause I'm Kylie's Sister).
Sarah Whatmore took time out to grieve the death of her beloved manager, grow sunflowers and eat yoghurt, shunning the limelight for over a year before making an unexpected return to television where she made an appearance on the live Millennium celebrations on Channel 5, reducing presenter Gaby Roslin to tears. Little were the public to know, but herein began the pop star career of Sarah Whatmore.
The Pop Years (Kelloggs)
After landing a recording contract as a free gift in a packet of Kelloggs Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, Sarah unleashed her debut solo single Ch-Ch-Chewits (Don’t Do It!) in March 2000 with a live performance on Top Of The Pops. Despite Sarah’s high profile, the song languished at a lowly #52 on it’s first week on the charts, achieving a peak of #39 the week after before swiftly leaving the charts. Many saw the subject matter of the song as cutting too close to the bone considering the turbulent events of her private life. Lacking faith in Sarah’s musical ability, Kelloggs dropped Sarah from her recording contract in May 2000.
Perturbed by her lack of pop success, Sarah entered a period of depression and rumoured alcoholism. She was amongst many celebrities featured in Heat magazine in August 2002, spotted wearing a bikini at the Sun Centre whilst on holiday in Rhyl, Wales. It was noted that Sarah had endured a significant weight gain, completely dissimilar to her natural Jurassic beauty. After being confronted on the doorstep of her Mayfair home about her weight problems by Fern Britton, another famous fat person, Sarah vowed to return to the blaze of the media spotlight sexier and slimmer than ever. Following a combination of the Jo Brand and Nicole Richie diets, Sarah achieved a swift weight loss and familiar svelte figure.
Pop Idol and Death
In an unusual step for such a well known celebrity, Sarah Whatmore entered the ITV show Pop Idol in September 2002 - a televised talent show where contestants sing well known pop songs before one contestant is voted off each week until a winning contestant emerges, rewarded with a recording contract and the promise of a successful pop career. During her audition for the show, Sarah caught the eye of panellist Simon Cowell who had been plotting the pop career of Miss Whatmore since he accompanied Sinitta to Maureen from BBC’s Driving School's funeral back in 1998. Sarah reached the semi-finals of the show but failed to progress into the final round as Rik Waller was voted in ahead of her, because the general public wanted to laugh at his obesity.
Upon hearing this news, Sarah suffered a fatal heart attack live on television in November 2002. The following day, on 13 November 2002, Sarah was brought back to life by another panellist of Pop Idol, Neil ‘Doctor’ Fox, resuscitating her by pushing a cocktail stick in her right ear and a pickled onion in each of her nostrils, much to the relief of billions of people around the world.
The Successful Pop Years
Quietly, Simon Cowell had signed Sarah Whatmore to his management and record company, recording new dance/R’n’B flavoured tracks with her whilst the Pop Idol show continued. The first of these tracks, the dance floor stomper Sewing Machine (Stitching a Seam) became the biggest selling single of 2003, hitting #1 in January 2003 and remaining there until June 2003 when it was knocked off the top spot by her second single Chips and Gravy, a nod to her northern roots, which featured an uncredited rap from 2Pac recorded from beyond the grave. Michelle Gayle was seen to cry publicly at the 2003 BRIT Awards where Sarah Whatmore swept the board, at her apparent jealousy of Sarah having “stolen her sound”.
A Christmas single, featuring Ann Maurice from Channel 5’s House Doctor, entitled Kerb Appeal appeared as double A-side with a cover of Bucks Fizz’s My Camera Never Lies was released in December 2003, becoming the UK Christmas #1 for that year and achieving similar high positions throughout the world. This single broke sales records around the world and is owned, at last count, by approximately everyone on earth and perhaps a few people in space, too.
Sarah’s debut album Sarah, What... More? was released in July 2003, reaching #733 on the UK charts, and remained unreleased throughout the rest of the world. A re-release in December of the same year to include her Christmas single served to revive the albums fortunes slightly, giving it a boost from it’s uncharted position in late November 2003 to #6372 in December 2003, having sold an extra 7 copies. Sarah blamed the album’s lack of success on “the high sales and competition in the Christmas market and the demand for cashmere knitwear”.
In January 2004, Sarah Whatmore made an appearance on famous illusionist Derren Brown’s television show, where Derren assembled a group of celebrity student illusionists such as Blanche from Coronation Street, Queen Elizabeth II, Chico, Des Lynham and Daniel Bedingfield to perform illusions after intense tutoring by Derren himself.
Des Lynham had been training with Derren for over a week on his self-disappearing act, and all involved were confident of his success on the night. In an inexplicable turn of events, Des made Sarah Whatmore disappear rather than himself, as planned. This discrepancy was met by raptuous applause and laughter from the live audience, who presumed this was a planned event. Laughter soon turned to tears, though, when it was revealed that there had been no intention of making Sarah disappear. Despite the efforts of Des Lynham and Derren Brown, they were unable to return Sarah Whatmore. Roughly one month after this tragic turn of events Hannah Willis, 11, of the Cotswolds massacred her family with a holepunch, stapler and laminator. Psychologists discovered it was a clear reaction to the disappearance of Miss Whatmore.
In honour of the tragic disappearance of Sarah Whatmore, a global day of mourning is held on 24 January each year, known as Sarah Whatmore Day. This day is a public holiday throughout the world, and every nation maintains a 24 hour fast to sympathise with Sarah's problems with both eating Chewits and humans. A 7 day silence is observed from 24 January until the beginning of February, when each nation sacrifices a virgin in the name of Sarah, her remains being scattered in the Jurassic Park theme park in Italy, as a means of 'feeding' the ghost/invisible being of Sarah Whatmore.
- You're Dead (with Delia Smith) #1 (40 Weeks)
- Ch-Ch-Chewits (Don't Do It) #39
- Sewing Machine (Stitching a Seam) #1 (20 Weeks)
- Chips and Gravy #1 (13 Weeks)
- Kerb Appeal/My Camera Never Lies #1 (764 Weeks - non consecutive)
The Hon. Margarita Armstrong-Jones
|Line of Succession to the British Throne
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