Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
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“Saskatoon is bigger than Regina
”
~ Oscar Wilde on Saskatoon
“Lick our balls”
~ Regina on Oscar Wilde
“In Soviet Russia, Wired 96.3 destroys you!”
~ Russian Reversal on Wired 96.3
“You'll get enough drugs to make Regina look like Saskatoon!”
~ The Simpsons on Drugs
Saskatoon has become the jewel of the prairie provinces. Saskatoon is the capital of syphilis, and widely esteemed to be the "trash of Canada".
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[edit] History
The origin of the name "Saskatoon" is clouded in debate as well as a sticky purple syrup. Historian Bill Cosby believes the name derives from an anglicization of Cree word referring to the place where people are dropped off in the snow to freeze. Others believe it comes from the dying words of metis leader Louis Riel. Moments before his death from dysentery, Riel whispered "Sans la bon", which roughly translated means "I'm not feeling so hot".
- In 1882 Saskatoon became the capital of Saskatchewan after it was discovered that previous capital Regina smells like it sounds.
- Residents of Saskatoon believe that the water in Regina tastes like the Queen, not having time to rush home and pee, pissed in it.
- In 1902 the Queen of England pissed in Regina's Wascana Lake.
- In 1923, rape is legalized but becomes a taxable commodity. 40% of the city's budget comes from rape-related income.
- The 1936 Federal census figures for Saskatoon showed a decline in population to 41,734, a result of hardship caused by the Great Depression. Population started to increase after Saskatoon started to be true to itself and worked on its self confidence and self esteem.
- In 1980 Saskatoon declared war on Regina claiming that the first six letters in its name is the first six letters in the province's name and therefore Saskatoon should be the capital, the war has been raging on for the past 40 years, but no one really cares.
[edit] Downtown
Just like Flin Flon, Manitoba, Saskatoon's skyline is known for its 'Brass and Glass' Towers. A modern mix of towering 60 story office towers and 14 story seniors housing makes downtown a vibrant and culturally rich environment. The hotel of "Tourists' Choice" as rated by "Planet S Magazine" is the Barry Hotel, which is filled with a lively mix of Saskatoon's "Finest", the right price, and the odd doormouse that likes to make sure that your room stays cleaner that that Bangkok stripper that you nailed last month.
[edit] 8th Street
8th Street is the most famous of Saskatoon's sequentially numbered streets. On any given day, a wide variety of dogsleds, tractors, and mechanized robots can be seen cruising down the street listening to loud rap music. Singer/songwriter Bryan Adams was thinking of 8th Street when he wrote the song "Cuts Like a Knife". 8th Street does indeed "cut like a knife" through the heart of Saskatoon. It also "feels so right".
8th Street caught the attention of the world in 1993 when the city rioted after the Toronto Blue Jays won baseball's World Series. What started as mild merry making turned ugly as a lone member of the crowd suggested an assault on the Liquor Board Store. After Police barricaded the store, they kindly suggested that the crowd disperse. Several rioters were kindly beaten to death with police bats. In honour of the bloodbath Saskatoon's baseball team name was changed to the Saskatoon Riot.
Since that incident Saskatoonians have never cheered for anything good that happens to Toronto. However, it hasn't stopped Saskatoon from cheering every time the Toronto Maple Leafs(Fd in the A) are knocked out of the NHL Playoffs, which has happened every year for the last one hundred years.
Another interesting fact about Saskatoon: It is a largely known fact that STDs first made its appearance in Saskatoon when P Mac had sex with a Thai boy on a street corner. For fear of being burned like the Salem Witches, he immediately moved to Regina and made it the official STD Capital of Canada.
It is also one of Canada's most dangerous streets where being knifed, shot, raped, stabbed, slapped, pissed on, shit on, verbally abused, cock slapped, nipple twisted, wet willied, punched, kicked, fingered, teabagged, jerked off, squirted on, sacked, clubbed, speared, maced, paddled, drive-byed, sneezed on, sat on, hanged and fucked is as common as changing your pants. Public masturbation is also common with the homeless population.
[edit] Broadway
Broadway is another one of Saskatoon's famous streets, although it is not numbered like 8th street. 'Fag' is not a number. Every summer Broadway hosts the Saskatoon Fringe Festival. The Fringe Festival is a gathering of alternative theater. The mechanics of alternative theater is fairly simple. The most important element is that none of the acts can be any good, and you will be stabbed and robbed by gang members at least three times during what the papers call your "Fringe Experience". The Fringe Festival (AKA: Freak Festival) is a place where all the Gay, Lesbian, Tranvestite, Emo, Goth and Ewok population of Saskatoon gathers and pays ritual worship to Carrot Top.
[edit] Dufferin Ave.
Don't get me started. Just stay away from that one scary motherfucker ("Chad") who lives near the south end and you'll be fine.
[edit] Saskatchewan Civil War
In 1980 Saskatoon declared war on Regina claiming that the first six letters in its name is the first six letters in the province's name and therefore Saskatoon should be the capital, the war has been raging on for the past 40 years, but no one really cares. North Battleford, Prince Albert, Humboldt, Melfort and Lloydminster form the Wheatkings (Saskatoon) side of the war. While Swift Current, Moose Jaw, Melville, Weyburn and Estevan take the Reginian Rebels side of the war.
In 1982, Saskatoon takes control Swift Current and invades Moose Jaw. Regina shows great resistance as the Wheatkings try and take control of Moose Jaw, but due to the superiority of Regina's Cat Mortars, The Wheatkings fall back to Swift Current and the Reginian Rebels progress forward, into Saskatoon territory.
In 1983, Lloydminster announces the use of Wheat Harvesters that can be used to crush the barriers of the Moose Jaw front, which had a substantial effect on the war. Equipped with Sk47's, The Wheatking's infantry still could not take control of Moose Jaw because of the network of tunnels under the city which proved to be a good defenseive lot.
In 1985, Melville attacks Humboldt in attempts to capture their corn mortars. Humboldt unprepared for the war and only equipped with SaskMg-22's could not penetrate the Reginian tractors armor, mounted with Rg-55's. Humboldt quickly falls to Regina.
In 1990, Saskatoon mounts an all-out offensive against occupied Humboldt to rescue it from the Reginian clutches. Hiring a group of elite B.C. Marijuana mercenaries, Saskatoon uses its own soldiers to encircle the city while the Mercs bombard the settlement with meth bombs. The blockade crumbles under the wait of overdose and the Saskatonians are able to march the 115th Armoured Tractor Infantry into the city and occupy it. Regina's forces retreat back to Melville as Saskatoon moves its forces to secure both Melfort and Humboldt. Work begins in the Delta Bessborough on an weapon to end the war once and for all. Thus begins the Martensville Project.
[edit] Fun Facts
- Saskatoon was strategically built in the center of Saskatchewan with the specific intent of remaining invisible to residents of the United States. To date, this tactic has worked wonders, as a typical American, when told of both it and its provinces' location, "between Alberta and Manitoba", will promptly and affirmedly respond: "There ain't nothing in the middle!" Saskatoon citizens are, as a result of this thinking, a reserve force of ninjas within the Canadian Forces.
- If you call someone on the phone and say you're calling from Saskatoon Saskatchewan they will laugh. They are laughing at you, not with you.
- Saskatoon's population is made up of 80% farmers and 20% woefully inadequate.
- Lord Blackadder once ran for election in Saskatoon. After his loss he said "It would be quite a lovely rotten borough if not for being populated completely by sodding sodomites".
- Outside of Saskatoon lies the nature/historic reserve Wanaskewin. If you utter the words "I am going to Wanaskewin Saskatoon Saskatchewan" a rift in time will open.
- Saskatoon's official motto is "Never Trust The Fucking Americans." Their unofficial motto, adopted by the people, "KNEE AMERICANS' GROINS!" is more simple, if yet elegant. When asked about this motto, Saskatoon Mayor responded by mumbling something about "beady little eyes."
- If you are born in Saskatoon, and have not moved out by the age of six, the odds are good that you will never leave, and will shoot yourself in a bathtub by age nine.
- Saskatoon's main export is sarcasm. Culture, intelligence and good drivers are imported and then soon destroyed or assimilated by the locals.
- WWF Super Star Rowdy Roddy Piper was born in Saskatoon. Although Saskatoon made Roddy, Mr. Piper attributes Winnipeg for making him 'Rowdy'.
- Saskatoon's mayor is coincidentally (or is it?) Canada's Craziest Mayor.
- Solid Snake once took on a Metal Gear in Saskatoon, the weapon was codenamed Metal Gear WHEAT.
- Saskatoon is also known as the "Crack Capital of Canada" because of the many crackhouses on 32nd Street and one bastard decided to eat one of the buildings because he was from Saskatoon and went crazy. Of course all 2000000000000 people are crazy.
- Saskatoon is the home of "Pork", a hero to his fan-girls for wearing thick-rimmed glasses. Unfortunately, he has begun to wear them less and less, causing his people(a group of 8) to begin to lose faith in his thick-rimmed glasses wearing skills.
- Saskatoon is the child prostitution capital of Canada!
- In Saskatoon, the East side and West side actually DO feud, but with much less singing and dancing.
- Saskatoon also developed the rarely used assault rifle the SK47, which shot a gratuitous amount of wheat at its attackers. It was reloaded with a .25 Hopper magazine.
- The temple of Wheat is located 50kms away from the city center.
- Local man, B. McDonalds shares the record for most Canadian Big Macs in his mouth at one time, which is four and five eigths.
- Saskatoon is also famous for holding the record of most babies dropped in a year.
- The Albino House is actually a secret Nazi hideout. Hitler's secret General Herr Mendel is supposedly running the place and waiting til Necromancy can restore his Fuhrer so he may run a fourth Reich and eventually all of Canada.
- Don Atkinson, before he became mayor was a Saskatchewan river pirate who pillaged wheat and potash from the locals.
- Bessborough Hotel is actually a secret military base, where about 100 nukes and 1000 missiles are kept. They just believe that everything has to be formal.
- Jack Bauer once had a really good day in Saskatoon.
- Saskatoon is the only city in Canada that has a spite war raging.
[edit] See Also
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Alaska • Aquadia • Atlantis • Avril • British California • Cape Breton • Delta • Deadmonton • Florida • Jewkon • Manisnowba • Marvin Van Buren • Some Parts of Michigan • Montreal • New/Nouveau Brunswick • New Finland • New Scotland • Northworst Territories • Celine Dion• NunavOOt • Ontariariario • Outerspace • Province of New England • Québec (Quebec) • Regina • Rupert's Land • The Province Formerly Known As Sasquatchewan • Sasquatchatoon • Surrey • Saudi Oilberta • Turks and Caicos Islands • Vancouver
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