Satan's Coconuts

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Satan's Coconuts are the round, brown, furry tools of the devil.

Why are Coconuts Dangerous?[edit]

You may be asking yourself this very question, along with others such as Why do my feet smell? and "Why won't this tongue depressor come out of my nose?". The answer lies within the coconut, and, to a lesser extent, the town in which the coconut currently resides. (This is because any town that will abide the presence of coconuts is obviously a corrupt shit-hole.)

Preparation for the anti-coconut ritual.

Coconuts, as you know, are round. What else is round? That's right-testicles. What are testicles attached to? A dick. And "dick" is a term used in reference to someone who's an asshole. Therefore, coconuts are assholes.

Coconuts are also brown, making them hard to see in the dark. You never know when you're going to be walking alone in a dark alley and a coconut could roll up behind you, and rob you at gunpoint. Then, not only are you out of money, since very few people realize that coconuts are a menace, when you make the report to the police or tell your grandmother what happened, you're going to look like a dumbass.

Finally, coconuts are furry. That means they can survive easily in cold environments (which doesn't necessarily make them dangerous, but it's true. And it means that they don't need to buy coats or pay for heat, depriving big corporations of the things they deserve.)

How to Kill a Coconut[edit]

Coconuts technically cannot be killed, since they already are dead by the time they start terrorizing the public. However, by cracking open a coconut and drinking its milk, one will begin to emit a pheromone that wards away coconut. The milk also makes you immortal, but you have to take the bad with the good.

Why Satan uses Coconuts[edit]

Satan uses coconuts because the exotic creature is naturally evil. While most of the Dark Lords minions are long corrupted souls, the Devil doesn't need to spend eons torturing a coconut to get it to do his bidding. It's kind of like hiring the Mexicans outside of Home Depot instead of a real worker, except the coconut has the same qualifications as the demons.