Satanmaria (also known as Satan's Mother and/or Father) is a large, mythical, hermaphroditic, deep saltwater creature that resides in the Charles River. Its surface is 29,231 feet above sea level. Satanmaria is notorious for teaming up with Brian Peppers in 1984 and threatening to bring the system down using weaponry that is quite similar to that of Mel Gibson's. Satanmaria has known minions which help it do its dirtywork when lazy.
Satanmaria is known to be wading around the dirty water of the Charles River but you can see it at the occasional Yankees-Red Sox game or at the Baseball Tavern.
Satanmaria was born during the ninth rechristening of Jorge Bush Sr. MI, in the -13th century in the Black Sea of the sun. Experts believe that Satanmaria was the offspring of Paris Hilton, Jesus, a velociraptor, and Hitler. However there has been little to no evidence as of yet.
Satanmaria was born on our Sun, feeding off the souls of lost prostitutes for over 600 years eventually moving onto Earth for greater plans.
From the -7th century onward to the the life of Jesus, Satanmaria was the greatest prostitute in existence. This was how it/she/he obtained the most deadliest form of STD, Syphil-AIDS. Despite this fact, many people continued to have bodily intercourse with it.
Eventually, Satanmaria met up with Jesus and attempted to seduce him. However, Jesus refused due to her hideousness, and furthermore attempted to exorcise her. Jesus left Satanmaria weakened, but it used the remaining energy it had to steal Jesus' sperm, escape and plot revenge.
Time passed and Satanmaria had given birth to Satan, son of Jesus. Satan was a happy boy, but was corrupted into capturing Jesus. Satan did capture him and took him to his mother, where it then crucified Jesus because of Satanmaria's masochistic mind. Inadvertently, Jesus was killed and soon the world went emo(just like Jesus!). Satanmaria was afraid of these Jesus imitators, and soon hid. No one knows where, but many speculate that it was inside Paris Hiltons womb. For centuries, it hid, and life for all became more punk. (But there were still emos...ugh)
But then, hell rose over, and Satanmaria once again re-appeared in the 19th century, intent on destroying everyone.
Know The Enemy
Satanamaria is the second largest New England seawater creature by surface area after Ninnypoop at √π^2343 feet (21.8 sq mi), but due to its great abundance of blubbery fat is the largest by volume.
Its deepest point is 230 m (754 feet) ,deeper than the depths of hell at 189 m (620 feet) and deeper than any other sea serpent. Satanmaria has been known to prey upon vulnerable children and adults alike. Its gaze is known to kill many men at a time, and those who are lucky to survive become completely paralyzed.
Protect yourself from Satan's Mother
People may mistake this seawater creature as their grandmother, and soon helplessly fall victim to her gaze. Here are some ways in which you can protect yourself:
- According to the Justice Department, 96% of Satanmaria attacks have female victims while only 2% have male victims. The other 2% is intertwined with velociraptor attacks and she-males. At the same time, remember that while most Satanmarias seem harmless, they truly are not. While you have to address the gender issue, make sure you don't alienate a large and powerful group of potential supporters—Ninnypoops—who hate and despise Satanmarias.
- Be polite. This goes without saying. The Satanmaria will buy into your visage.
- Give the Satanmaria a gift card for Burger King. The large portions will tide it over long enough for you to make a getaway.
- If a Satanmaria approaches you, make sure to kick it in its third tentacle where it will subdue it for exactly π^π nanoseconds.
- Use obnoxious AIM acronyms, such as "LOLPWNDLQTM!!one1one!!!", to confuse it. Once confused it takes it approximately 23 hours and 43 minutes to figure out that it has been fooled.
- Insult it. "LOL fag" has been proven to be quite effective since the Satanmaria is known to have a low self-esteem.
- Urinating on the said Satanmaria is also effective because the contents of your urine waste are harmful to its outer layer.
- Be careful with sexual encounters. Satanmarias are walking STD bombs. The occurrence of STDs like AIDS and Syphilis is higher in Satanmarias because they tread the infested waters of the Charles. Remember, the only guaranteed protection is not having sex in the first place, but if you do, wear or require the Satanmaria to wear protection.
- Go black. Studies show that once you're negro, Satanmaria will have a 64% lesser chance of sighting you during the night. (quite the reverse effect during the day or when in close proximity to a fool)
- Wear camouflage cause it looks nice. It'll still see you but at least you'll go down in style.
- Threaten to freeze Hell over.
Attract Satanmaria Itself
There are many ways to protect yourself from the dreaded Satanmaria, however if for some suicidal reason you wish to date this hermaphroditic creature, here are some ways to attract it:
- Jump off a bridge while being tied to a noose around your neck ensuring that it will tighten when you fall, being drenched in oil, holding a lighter to light yourself on fire, and having a handgun with one bullet in its chamber, shooting -but missing your head, to ensure that your failed attempt at suicide will bring you one step closer.
- You can choose to get your ass kicked by a few punk kids. There are many methods available - the curb stomp, the "jump into a mosh pit" method or the "Hey! I'm going to move my body spontaneously and demand that people recognize this a civilized way of dancing" method. All of these techniques are extremely effective often rendering you ugly within seconds. Satanmaria will appreciate the effort you put into ruining your good looks.
- Play catch with a rattlesnake.
- Propose to her in a drunken stupor.
- "The Life and Lies of Satanmaria" PBS
- "E! True Hollywood Story - Satanmaria" E!
- "Headline News" CNN
- Popular Science
- Mac Vs. PC commercial (aired in 2002)
- Passion of the Christ II - Jesus' Sidekick