Saturn V

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Saturn V.
A schematic diagram detailing the original Saturn V mission

The Origins of the Saturn V[edit]

During the 1960's the citizens of the United States were protesting against the greed and corruption of people in high places. Dickless rednecks feared the social enlightenment might piss off god and that god would no longer be blessing America. President John F. Kennedy announced on TV that America was going to win God back. Kennedy contracted the Nasty Anal Sex Association (NASA) to build a gigantic dildo for the god Apollo to pleasure himself with in an attempt to get God on their side again and piss off the Ruskies at the same time.

Later in that decade the American education system discovered that neither God nor Apollo existed. To avoid embarrassment NASA continued to use the buzzword "Apollo". The new purpose of the Saturn V was a rocket to launch a manned space mission to the Sun. The Christian Extremists, Rednecks and Republicans were mighty pissed off that the existence of god had been disproved so they ordered NASA to send men to the Sun to find out if any celebrities had partaken in three-in-a-bed romps the previous day.

One of the other purposes was to visit our local star to prove that God, I.E. Helios was real

The Hardware and Functioning of The Saturn V[edit]

Since the Saturn V was originally designed as a vibrator the rocket engines were susceptible to "pogo stick" vibrations. The solution to this problem was to have local Catholic bishops who were suspected of being pedophiles sit inside the engines and soak up these vibrations. Unfortunately this system didn't work too well because for some reason the bishops were often burned to a crisp within 2 seconds of engine ignition. Whenever this happened the engines had to be turned off and the next stage detached and given upward thrust by four men who had participated in "America's Strongest Men". NASA assured the men that this method was fool proof but unfortunately when the engines of the next stage fired they were directly above the men’s heads and tended to burn them to a crisp too.

The Saturn V Computer[edit]

The original plan was to build an imbedded computer in the form a gimbaled inertial guidance system constructed by IBM, but unfortunately the computer engineer, Gail Roberts told NASA she had a degree in computer science from Harvard, when in actuality she only had an MA in knitting from Nottingham Polytechnic. She thought that "gimbals" were some kind of potato snack made by Walkers Crisps and spent the whole $10,000,000 budget on Monster Munches.

NASA solved the problem by buying a Packard Bell laptop on eBay for $10,000,000. They probably could have bought a laptop with similar specifications for around $700, but they insisted that the laptop must be coated with a layer of gold one inch thick. Unfortunately NASA didn't realize that a Packard Bell computer is no better than a piece of baboon Turd when it comes to computing power. The computer crashed 14 times within the first hour of flight and then fell apart. After the failure they asked billz_computerz for a refund. Bill refused point blank so NASA left him a bad feedback for the transaction. The chief executive of NASA was heard saying "that will teach him a lesson!"

Luckily NASA had a backup plan for every backup plan; due in part to the projects $123,040,540,670,709,163 budget. The backup computer was controlled by a joystick which was accidentally added to the craft when one of the engineers thought a "joystick" was a euphemism for a rubber penis. The joystick was connected to a Playstation, which as luck would have it was also accidentally added because it was assumed to be some kind of sex toy. The Playstation was purchased at a car boot sale for $5.00 and worked much better than the original computer. The Playstation controlled a series of plastic chicken legs outside the rocket which were donated to NASA by a local primary school who were throwing away broken toys. There were 18 plastic chicken legs in total and together they provided 10 Newton’s of force control the pitch, roll and yaw of the rocket.

The Final Stage[edit]

When the final rocket engine was disabled the Saturn V entered a parking orbit around the Earth. Several procedures had to be carried out before the craft could exit this orbit. First any surviving strongmen and bishops were jettisoned and fell back to Earth incinerating in the atmosphere in the process. Second the Fluoride Anhydride Rhodium Trinitrate (FART) filters had to remove any methane that may have been released due to the astronaut’s bacon and bean breakfast. Finally the craft was ready to leave the parking orbit. When the direction was correct a giant spring fired it out of the orbit around the Earth and towards the Sun. Unfortunately the Playstation wasn't configured correctly because the astronaut George Miller removed the guidance CD and inserted Worms World Party 5 minutes prior to spacecraft jettison. The astronauts were distracted since they were playing the game and when the super slinky spring fired, the whole Apollo spacecraft was blown to bits and none of the astronauts won the game.

Interesting side note: none of the astronauts survived either.