“How many Polacks does it take to make a sausage? Two! One kills pig and second makes the sausage”
Sausage (IPA pronunciation: [susej]) is a type of long, thin meat-product, composed mainly of sausage, but also occasionally of such diverse materials as beef, chickens, cats, mice, dogs, moose, cows, lamps, iron, trees, farts, dwarfs, cannibals, wood, My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic, Asian people, Jews, hobos, spiders, uranium, opossums, marijuana, teachers, blood, nails, Chuck Norris, Will Smith, your mom, hair, Osama bin Laden, pee, Ren and Stimpy, and, most important of all, sausage.
Sausages are mostly grown in Southern Africa and form one of the primary exports of Botswana. Sausage-producing trees are highly valued, but are occasionally felled to make canoes. As sausages grow on trees, they are obviously all suitable for vegetarians. And your mom. Sausages are also suitable for use as dildoes but can occasionally cause the woman to give birth to a full roast dinner, an experience which is thought to be somewhat unpleasant.
Your Sausage: A User's Guide
There are three main types of sausage; skinny, skinless and halal. Halal sausages can only be eaten in a special type of way,which involves veils and penis protection and plenty of hot girls. A true legend of sauages consumption is to be found in Denmark under the name of Frickadulle, who consumes no less than 1050% of all sausage production in his country. Sausage can be obtained from almost all kinds of homosexual animals, and can be eaten several different times. However, it is important to never eat the entire sausage, only enough that it reproduces female and hot human organisms.
Once the sausage is quite small, if left alone for approx. 20 minutes the sausage will magically reproduce and again be ready for consumption. If not, cook it in an oven while looking at a 1950's porno flick. Also related to sausage's ability to magically regrow is its method of reproduction, known as "spontaneous spawning", in which new sausages begin to grow out of the parent sausage before eventually falling off and inheriting severe problems with drugs and alcohol like cocaine.
Sausage is frequently served at circuses, sideshows, back-alleys behind strip joints, and school cafeterias. Sometimes large groups of men will congregate for the purpose of holding celebrations called sausage fests. Aliens are rarely welcome at these gatherings.
The sausage has in the past been used by expansionist powers to endow their female citizens with the generative capacity to create a bespoke master race (often called the Ubermunch). The disastrous consequences of such plots were only narrowly averted by the forces of good, who skillfully infiltrated plants manufacturing the catalyst used in sausage production, mustard. In 1942, the renegade scientist Caesar Salat discoverd that, when contaminated by the agent Mayon-A, mustard loses its more volatile principal chemical properties.
Sausages are nice in sandwiches, with lots of ketchup. They are also often often hidden.
Sausages were used as midium range ballistics during the battle of Gretna Green of 1976. Resulting in one death and three loacals to write stongly letter to their MP. To this date the letters remain unanswered.
The Sausage: In Sickness and in Health
Sausages were once thought to be healthy and some scientists even considered them to be part of a stable diet, and one of your five-a-day fruit and vegetables.
However, in early 2008, it was shown that eating more than one sausage a day, every day, for 363 out of 364 days every year will give you AIDS.
The Sausage in Fiction
It was a rough day in the emergency room today. A boy had some sort of alien symbiote in his body, and it was affecting his concentration at school.
"Perhaps if we hit him over the head with a large sausage of some sort..." I mused.
"But wouldn't that afflict he and his symbiote with some sort of death?" asked the boy's mother in alarm.
"A sausage of some sort, eh?" said the boy's father. "Would that be anything like my giant penis?"
"As a matter of fact, it sort of would," I said in surprise.
"A single blow of some sort to the head with my penis would not kill a boy of any sort," he said confidently.
"Well, then," I said. "I'll go get some sort of sausage, whick is meaty."
"No need," said the boy's father. He unzipped the pants he was sort of wearing.
The boy's teachers say they've witnessed a vast improvement, of a sort.
While many cults are indeed dedicated to the worship and honoring of sausage, the most significant speech ever given on the subject was made by a captive Julie Andrews wannabe.
"I have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in that sausage’s dream. I have a dream that one day in the pink of my stomach, that sausage will sit with a brotherhood of sausages down there. I have a dream that one day even Maple Leaf sausages, sausages sweltering with meaty goodness, sweltering with animal by-products will be transformed into a meal for me. I have a dream that sausages will one day live in my stomach, where they will not be judged by their brand, but by how good they are. I have a dream today! I have a dream that one day, down in my small intestine, with its gross generic dog food; with it’s off hamster food, one day right there in my small intestine little sausages will be able to join big sausages. I have a dream today! I have a dream that every inch of stomach shall be stuffed with sausage, and every inch of large and small intestine shall be full. This is my hope, and this is the faith that I go back to my empty food bowl with. With this faith, I will be able to eat sausage. With this faith, I will be able to eat a couple more sausages, knowing that I love sausages. So let sausages ring! Let sausages ring from my stomach to my esophagus. Let sausages ring from my four toes to my toupee—I mean hair! Let sausages ring! Let sausages ring! LET SAUSAGES RING!"
- The IPA pronunciation of sausage, [susej], is exactly the reverse of Jesus.
- Sausages are nice, taste good and shit.
- Sausages have also been known to cause cranium strainium. Apparently.
- Sausage is a nickname given to a man's penis implying that is is a tasteless, cheap and over-cooked bit of meat. THANKS MUM!!
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