Viking
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“I AM A VIKING”
"The village prophet predicted terrible things for our future- people will be prosecuted for decapitating their neighbors, skinning babies if they cry and having a roster of wives to have kinky battlebutt sex with. These tellings make me want even more to be speared on one of our weekend rape-and-pillagrhitgfyj, Ragnoth the Rabbit Skinner (village shcool teacher)
The children of a Noel Coward and Sean Connery are traditionally known as Vikings. The Vikings (Nordic Aryans) were a group of gods originating in Scandinavia, who are known for raping and pillaging, building boats with dragon's heads, raping and pillaging, setting things on fire, composing epic sagas (particularly about their love of SPAM), raping and pillaging, making awesome swords, killing monks, and raping and pillaging. The word "viking" is derived from the Old Norse verb "vike" which means "to rape and pillage everything in or not in your path" Vikings are beefcakes, considered the lumberjacks of the sea. Vikings are born fully mature and ready to do battle. The average gestation period for a viking is 5 minutes and 23 seconds (although this is being reviewed by MOSO who think vikings live underground, feeding on the blood of their fallen enemies for over 10 years before erupting from a Christians chest kinda like Alien, but without the fucking panty shot from Sigourney Weaver. WTF!! Ridley Scott come the fuck on). The beard, while appearing to be like normal human facial trees (albeit exceptionally luxurious and makes all the girls scream for sexings) is actually an extension of the face that can sense where there are monasteries to be pillaged, or rape to be had. This is often known as a "Beard Sense". The only human alive today who has this is Neil Fallon. The facial hair of a viking is also highly dexterous, and can serve as a third limb, in a similar manner to the way an elephant uses its trunk. Although this trait has all but died out, a few still remain who can access the so called "beard powers".
Contrary to popular belief, Vikings do not go into a berserk fury. In fact, they are always in a berserk fury. Viking sightings are rare because observers are often killed, raped, or both (in either order or sometimes simultaniously).
Viking eyes are both keen and shoot lasers. This is due to a laser gland located in the scrotum. This makes vikings immune to pain usually induced by being kicked in the jimmy, as well as consuming the idiots foot in a glorious blaze of metal and awesome. That's what you get, you sorry piece of shit. That is of course provided a person manages to sneak up on a viking. This has never happened since they're usually pillaged, raped, burnt then offered as a sacrifice to Christopher Walken.
Vikings live naturally to be 3000 years of age at which point they stop aging and never die. In a recent study, it was also reported that vikings are the only known source of the rare mineral Cemanalia, or True Semen. A fresh sample of True Semen has never been collected. All known deposits of Cemanalia are called Scandanavians, because Vikings never miss.
Vikings also have viking mind melding powers and even though they can just hypnotize people into giving them pleasure they still prefer to rape them.
All vikings have Jesus's powers (Except the forgiveness thing). They can resurrect, turn water into rape and, unlike Jesus, they can not just walk on water but they can walk on every liquid known to man (except for Pepsi) such as Smegmum(look it up), blood, cow urine, Cemenalia, Coke (but not Pepsi,) moon shine and jesus.
Vikings are one of the eight most powerful peoples on earth, along with Wookiees, Ninjas, Pirates, Robots, Zombies, Scientologists, and Canadians.
[edit] The God of all Vikings---Craapensvaarden
Ve have come to take your vomen. And burn yer house. And take yer money. And steal a couple pairs of de undervear. I seem to have lost mine. An Icelandic monk scared de shit outta me last veek. I hav to shove my undervear in my pocket. Den I lost it. Den the fucking ship left me for dead. I killed de damned monks. Hail Odin. Yeeaaaarggghhhh!!!!!!
Craapensvarden became a father when he raped an Aztec slave woman. His son is the famed God of all ninjas, Kung Fu Carlos.
De picture below this is of me in my better days. The hat is NOT just any vizard's, but Gandalf's original hat when he vas 35. Met him. He's pretty gay. Assfucked him for a night. He payed. Bastard didn't realize it was my girlfriend screwing him. Female vikings are exactly de same as males. Except for de vagina under de penis.
[object located under hat is described in following section]
[edit] Description of Object Found in This Hat
[edit] Major Classes There are three major classes of dildos available.
Domestic Dildo: Five to seven inches long, usually white, dull black, electric blue or shocking pink in color, with sleek body-armor and slanted heads, these dildos are often found in girls lockers, and gay kitchen cabinets. Some of these have also creeped into maximum security institutions. Major sub-classes within the class are:
Common House Dildo (Dildophalic Concolor) Doubleheaded Thin Dildo (Chrysohornia Dildogaster) European Garden Dildo (Dildocunis Familitoes) All American Domestic Dildo (Sexitilis Americana) Narcotic Dildo: Smaller than four inches in length, usually baby pink, pale blue, light purple or beige in color, without body armors, moderately inflatable and attached to a long tail, these dildos have come to the US from outlandish cultures, i.e. Japan. When excited these dildos can grow several times bigger than normal. They are almost always found hidden inside lace-panties.
In Japan they are known as Dendou-kokeshui, and have been ordered by the government to become a part of school uniforms. But, in many places around the world they are banned for their excessively addictive nature. There have also been reports of extreme malnutrition, delusion and spontenous orgasm associated with them. Major sub-classes within the class are:
Equatorial Light-flashing Dildo (Pyrodildo Borealis) Common Japanese Dildo Flea (Dildophalic Cuntis) Doubleheaded Illuminated Dildo: (Lubricus Dildoubleus) Longtailed Micro Dildo (Microdildex Dubious) Portable Bodyhugging Ivy League Dildo (Bibliodildea Tubulata)
Wild dildoes are sometimes tagged in order to track their mating habits and migration patterns.Wild Dildo: 10 to 15 inches long, usually glistening black, baby pink, deep purple or swamp green in color, with sculpted body-armor and bulbous heads, these dildos are usually found working in the show biz industry. These are often associated with people who measure over 42D. During 1950s the massive dildo domestication culture nearly drove wild dildos out of existence. But, with careful reintroduction in the last two decades they are making a "cumback".
Because of their extreme and uncivilized ways, wild dildos are often called such names like - the buster, the punisher, or the brute. There have been unauthenticated reports of people getting hospitalized due violence unleashed by 144-HP 20-inch 3000-rpm spiked dildos (Dildeadlia Obscenitae), an endangered species. Major sub-classes within the class are:
Giant Corrugated Marsh Dildo (Crocodildae Acutus) Average Twisted-body Marsh Dildo (Crocodildae Misshapensis) Northern Spiked Dildo (Dildochinus Mysogynis) Chinese Fatheaded Dildo (Bulbous Dildochinensis) Migratory Doubleheaded Black Dildo (Megahorny Dildocornis) Intercontinental Ballistic Dildo (Dildorocketus Nuclearus
[edit] Minor Quandaries involving Numbers, and their particular significance to this Article and Vikings
While it is a well known fact that Vikings invented the spoken word, beards(be-warned, however, that present-day Vikings may not always have beards-they may be in disguise), and the original, first, and only completely and wholly correct alphabet (also known as Soup), it is of great importance to note that the Vikings had little, if anything, to do with the creation of numbers. Granted, the Vikings claim to have been counting 1,000,000 years before the first number was discovered, and no one has ever disputed it (and I would not recommend disputing a Viking. And for that fact nor will you if you ever tried it.). However, since the discovering of ancient druid scrolls, it is now commonly believed that the first number was indeed "1", and not "Rape", as the Vikings claimed. As a proper retort, the Vikings invented the Dewey Decimal System, box-spring mattresses, and the Pet Rock. This is considered to be the single greatest pwn in the history of all Vikingry.
[edit] Exploration
There is, of course, more to the Vikings than raping and pillaging. They were traders and famed explorers. The Vikings discovered and settled Iceland, Greenland, Newfoundland, and (using the Viking I and Viking II probes) Mars. However, the Vikings soon left Mars, because there was an abundance of Mormons. The vikings also traded goods throughout the North Sea and North Atlantic, as far away as the Byzantine Empire, Soviet Russia, and the Beyond part of Bed Bath and Beyond, although this is more familiarly referred to as Holmgard and Beyond. Wearing horned helmets and carrying battle-axes naturally gave the Vikings a sizeable psychological advantage while negotiating prices for their wares: when a thundering norseman carrying a broadsword says that you're getting a good price, his customers tend to agree. Thus, even while these expeditions did not result in raping and pillaging, the customers of Viking merchants often went away feeling like they had been raped and their wallets pillaged.---(Clean Humor=Not Funny)
[edit] Raiding Tactics
Although Viking tactics are commonly referred to as "raping and pillaging", this is a simplistic representation of the subtle and sophisticated battle tactics of the Viking Assault. The assault consists of the following phases:
(1) Killing. Kill everything which cannot be either pillaged or raped.
(2) Pillaging. Next, pillage everything which cannot be raped.
(3) Once all resistance is put down and the loot is stored away, open up a flagon of mead and find a nice wench, commence raping.
(4) Set shit on fire and sail off, taking the better looking women along (incidentally, the fact that the Vikings had their choice of the hot babes for 500 years explains why Scandanavian women are all such hotties today).
As we can see, the elaborate and highly refined Viking strategy consists of "killing-pillaging-raping-burning", not just "raping and pillaging". Furthermore pillaging in fact comes before raping. The order of these steps is vitally important (after all if you first burn the village then there is nothing left to rape, pillage or kill).
A variant of this theory, the "Hack-Hack, Stab-Stab, Molest-Molest, Burn-Burn (Always Burn Last!)", was pioneered by great thinker Michael McAvoy of the Bergen County Public School system. While first applied to the tactics of barbarian hoardes, we can see how it evolved into the "killing-pillaging-raping-burning" model.
[edit] Viking Superiority
It is to be said that Vikings, unlike ninjas, are inevitably the top of the foodchain of superiority. Ninjas (otherwise known as gay pussies in tights), merely killed sleepy people and women. Vikings killed men, dogs, and just about anything that couldn't be raped (See above). Vikings, with their minimum maximum age of 3000, can never die naturally (except by laughter upon seeing a midget sing and dance), but can only be killed in combat. It is proven that ninjas lack ability to do so, and it is obvious that the only thing powerful enough to kill a Viking is, well, an even bigger Viking. Through historic reference on very concrete sources, the following examples were refound:
Battle of Hastings, 1066: Saxon Vikings got their pussy less-Viking asses kicked by the Norman Vikings.
The Viking Invasions of England, 800's: Saxon Vikings kicked the Norse Vikings' asses, then got their asses kicked in what could only be described as a Vikings' version of a consensual orgy.
Russia, 1600's: Russia was suffering from constant Viking raids. They constantly raped, pillaged, burned and killed everything. To defend themselves, Russians did what? That's right, fellas: they hired a Viking (Rorik the Rus).
The 2008 United States election: Obama vikings slaughtered and killed the Mccain vikings only stopping to rape and pillage the 69ers on there way To commence in the greatest rapebattle's in history.
Every other battle: Vikings either kill everybody or just kill other vikings.
However, Viking superiority is slightly offset by their lack of women. As such, Vikings rape to reproduce, creating no true Vikings (except Beowulf, the one full-Viking). Every Viking, save Beowulf, is a crossbreed between a purer Viking and rape.
[edit] Viking Sex
Vikings are very formidable opponents in sex because they are pretty much invincible when they go on a sexing spree. Even when not sexing, however, Vikings are still almost invincible. For instance, if a ninja were to sneak up on a Viking, the ninja would have to stab the Viking at least twice to screw him/her, by which time the Viking would have turned around to chop the ninja's head off or something, while shouting loudly in Norse"woo, sex!" and then raping the open neckhole.
The favored weapons of most Vikings are the over-sized battle penis, the dildo, the bastard raper, and the total bastard raper.
When sexing from sea, Vikings sex towns and sea-bound vessels using a myriad of projectile oh yeah weapons on board, including but not limited to:
-The Standard Pillaging Dildo: The most common dildo a Viking's ship has. It basically blasts the crap out of everything, thus making it an essential pillaging toy.
-The Hamster Screwer: A less common dildo used by Vikings to sex at long distances. It launches a hamster over long distances that causes a midget-sized thermonuclear airburst upon impact.
-Over-sized harpoon Screwer: A dildo you are likely to find at least one of on any Viking ship. It shoots a really ginormously big dick which can pierce its way deep into any structure, moose, or vessel. Due to its superior engineering design, the harpoon is easilly retractable and can DANCE THE MACARINA. Vikings commmonly employ this dildo as a means of getting to land safely, jamming out, or raiding an opponent ship by climbing the large chain of the dildo. Studies show that the large chain was needed to hold the vikings manliness and powerful awesome.
-Viking Launcher: This shoots a Viking towards the enemies. Because Vikings are indestructible, and real men, the Viking will make a huge dent(The Viking being unharmed, of course), or cause lasers to shoot out of everyone's eyes. This uncertainty is explained by the equation Laser Eyes May = Vikings + Launcher + Raping and Pillaging.
-The Internet: It is a little known fact that the Vikings were actually the ones who invented the Internet just as most people don't know that the Vikings were the first to discover America. When Christopher Columbus got came to the Americas in later years, he barely escaped what was perhaps the most lethal Viking weapon of all: the Internet. By using the Internet, Vikings can command Viking satellites up in the upper atmosphere to pillage a designated spot from far above the earth, they can call in more Vikings, or they can convince entire planets to crash into their opponents by telling them over the Internet that their enemy is having a pizza party.
If you ever encounter a Viking, dont run. This will only anger the Viking. If encoutered, immediately create a protection circle of dirty sporks, insert a pink cork into the anus and/or vagina to prevent rape and because vikings cannot touch pink, and call out for the assistance of a nearby Mormon.
== Viking Genealogy ==
While vikings may on first sight appear to be similar to ninjas, the infamous pirate test seem to prove this particular theory wrong. The test is based on the fact that anything that has any connection to ninjas will cause a pirate to flip out. Man wigged out pirates really bite. Current tests show that this is not the case, although the resulting battle left two scientists and a small squirrel dead. The pirate did, however, not flip out and the viking was vaguely uninterested. Ultimately an English gentleman stopped the battle by offering tea and biscuits. The two combatants graciously accepted and the whole thing was reported as a bit of a success. The English gentleman was killed and raped then burnt by the viking afterwards when the viking discovered that the tea wasn't mead.
Those that support the Pirate lineage theory point to Pastafarianism who claim that there is a direct correlation between the number of pirates and global warming. It is also a well know fact that just prior to the viking age there was a warm period, but temperatures dropped as the age progressed. Opponents claim that supporters are spreading bullshit.
This does leave the question unanswered, though, as to where vikings stem from. Some support a theory that suggest that vikings and pirates stem from the same lineage due to reports of cross breed pirates and vikings.
Some say that Vikings are uberpirates. Support behind it is that awesome bands such as Thyrfing are based off of Vikings.
[edit] Vikings and Other Groups
Vikings have a long history of relations with other groups, including pirates, ninjas, and lumberjacks. It is worth noting that unlike the hatred Vikings generally display towards the rest of humanity, there is generally very little hostility between Vikings and these other groups (although the Great Viking-Ninja War of 2005 has done lasting damage to Viking-ninja relations.) Vikings are known to have an especially good relationship with pirates, so long as the two groups remain in their respective areas of the sea and do not trespass into each other's nautical territory. Longstanding claims that Vikings are distantly related to lumberjacks have recently been proven. This discovery has lead a majority of scientists to believe that we are all fucked.
[edit] Music
Vikings are widely recognised as the most metal beings on Earth (more so even than pirates or lumberjacks), surpassed in the whole universe only by--Wait. Nothing surpasses Vikings. Led Zeppelin, ABBA, Amon Amarth Dimmu Borgir and music by Richard Wagner are classic examples. They were the inventors of Viking Metal and the forefathers of modern black metal. They love Metal as much as they love raping and plundering. They commit sacrifices to the Gods of Metal on an everyday basis, and all of them follow the rules of the Gods of Metal. In fact, those utterly horrible screams the Vikings do when they are plundering and/or raping are Viking Metal lyrics. That's why we don't understand shit. If a 100% viking sings Viking Metal, everything around him will die in a 2 yards radius. Famous Viking Metal bands include bands such as Vikingarna (Viking Kings), DDE (Devil's Death Ensemble; originally Kill-Pillage-Rape-Burn) and Sputnik (the Norse mythological equivalent of Shiva the Destroyer). Vikings are also know as pioneers of death metal. Early gory death metal lyrics are actually old folk songs viking used to sing as they attacked villages, and monasteries. It is widely rumored that early death metal artists were actually young vikings in disguise. Any Viking who has a dislike for Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song is castrated.
As mentioned earlier, not all viking music is metal. Vikings sing Wagnerian opera songs while they are having sex, so that they can mix two of the best things in life. The great skalds ABBA are also popular among the Vikings. One of the greatest viking raiding songs is Dancing Queen, a song describing the abduction of Queen Brunhilda of the Anglo-Saxons and her fate.
[edit] Viking gods
Contrary to popular opinion, the Vikings did not make their gods up. Actually, their gods created them and made the race flourish. But, just as they were about to end the creation, a certain god named ODIN (who will remain anonomous for reasons of public humiliation) thought it was a good idea to show some vikings where the gods lived. This was not a good idea AT ALL as the vikings saw the wealth there, and invaded it, killing/pillaging/raping/burning it (see viking raiding tactics). Only after this did they realise they had killed their creators, and they loved it. This explains why there was a lack of parents in the viking community, and why Norway now is mainly made up of people below 20 years of age. Also, all gods love golf, and so frequently visit Yggdrasill, the world tee.
List of Viking gods:
A-Rok - Norse god of boozery
Allah- God of Muslims.
Angry VideoGame Nerd - God of nerdy vengeance
Baldr - God of peace and virginity. Contrary to popular belief, he is not bald. Nobody really likes him. At all.
Borr - Father of Odin, Vili, Ve, and the well loved Sven Goran Erikson
Bob - The God of Gods and the God of Kansas.
Bög - god of men. He would be considered a fag, but his sheer viking awesomeness overrides that.
Bragi - God of poetry and the Beatles
Brian Blessed - God of wild hair
Búri - The first god and father of Borr.
Bjork - Goddess of bat-fucking insane. Spawned hordes of cute-but-mentally-deranged women.
Buddha – God of American Chic culture. Has set in motion his plans for world domination by way of Yoga and Gay interior designers, how this is working is unknown to all.
Captain planet – God of earth and men’s health magazine
Captain Picard - God of all things Enterprise, except the concept of Free Enterprise. Unlike Baldr, he is bald.
Charles Turner - God of the Rolly Backpack
Noel Coward - God of pretty much everything really. Most manly of gods. But the Bitch of the Techno Viking.
Commander Riker - Picard's pet dwarf
Craapensvaarden - God of the penis, scrotum, and all vikings and viking gods other than Noel Coward
Dirk Diggler - God of viking horns
Dagr - God of the daytime, son of Delling and Nótt.
Delling - God of dawn and father of Dagr by Nótt.
Dell - God of Extremely sucky computers.
Eir - Goddess of healing.
Ezekiel - God of Faggotries
odeus wally - god of hiding
Forseti - God of justice, peace and truth. Son of Baldr and Nanna.
Fran Tarkenton - God of sports and recreation
Freya - Goddess of fertility, wealth, love, beauty, magic, prophecy, war, battle, and death. Invented Friday. TGIF! (Thank God it's Freya)!
Freyr - God of the masculine virlility.
Froogmar - Slayer of Walri
Frigg - Goddess of marriage and motherhood, although he is a man.
Gefjun - Goddess of fertility and plough.
God- God of Christians. Responsible for Freya, under TGIF.
Bush- God of Delusions
Hel - Queen of Hel, the Norse underworld.
Heimdallr - One of the Æsir and guardian of Ásgarð, their realm.
Hermóðr - Óðinn's son.
Hlín - Goddess of constipation.
Höðr - God of winter.
Hœnir - The silent god. See Emo
Iðunn - Goddess of youth.
Johnny Filth - God of emofags
Jordan Maxon - God of the ability to shit on niggas in football
Jörð - Goddess of the Earth. Mother of Þórr by Óðinn.
Kvasir - God of inspiration.
Lampus Cohelus- God of Office Furniture
Linn Okamoto - God of the psychological drama,and ofcource the Diclonius.
Lofn - Goddess of love. Has yet to get laid
Loki - Trickster and god of mischief, strife, fire and badassery.
Lordi - God of Heavy Metal, God of Dressing up as a Monster, Also the Finish devil.
Máni - God of Moon. Right on.
Marduk - God of Annoying cartoon animals
Melanie - godess of sweetness and beauty and sexiness. and bukkake. and gaming. also known as the most awesome girlfriend in the world.
Mímir - Óðinn´s uncle. always ready for convinient plot twists
Mr sheen – God of clean carpet and shiny shoes
Mole man – God of sex
Nanna - An Ásynja married with Baldr and mother to Forseti.
Nerþus - A goddess mentioned by Tacitus. Her name is connected to that of Njörðr.
Njörðr - God of sea, wind, fish, and wealth. He can multitask
Norns - The three goddesses of destiny; Urd(Fate), Skuld(Being, or Future), Verdandi(Necessity, or Present).
Nostalgia Critic - Protector of burned childhoods.
Nótt - Goddess of night, daughter of Narvi and mother of Auð, Jörð and Dagr by Naglfari, Annar and Delling, respectively.
Odin - Lord of the Æsir. God of both wisdom and war. Invented Wednesday.
Oscar Wilde - God of kitten huffing and pretty much everything else
Prince – God of basketball and making pancakes
President Bush - The arch-enemy of the gods, widely depised by all gods and mortals.
Sá - An obscure goddess, possibly another name for Frigg.
Sif - Wife of Thor.
Sjöfn - Goddess of love. OOOOh! Cooties!
Skaði - Goddess of winter Njörðr's wife.
Skirnir - Frey's shield man.
Skisraur - wishes he was Frey's sheild man.
Skitnik - god of seamen. LOL you said semen!
Skuld - (Being or Future) one of the three goddesses of fate called Norns who foresee at the base Yggdrasill(The World Tee).
Spock – god of masturbation
Snotra - Goddess of prudence.
Sol - Goddess of Sun.
Steven Chavis - Super techno, ginger, homosexual, selfloving, god of wrath and a high priest of the "Cult of the Pixel."
Techno Viking - god of being real kick ass and being a good dancer.(Owns Noel Coward)
Thor - God of thunder, battle and kebabs. Invented Thursday.
Troy - God of utter, hilarious, awesome... bullshit.
Týr - God of war and justice. (Invented Tuesday). Democrats may insert comment here:
Ullr - God of skill, hunt, and duel. Son of Sif.
Urd - (Fate) one of the three goddesses of fate called Norns who foresee at the base Yggdrasill(The World Tee).
Váli - God of revenge. father of Johnny Filth
Vár - Goddess of contract.
Varg Vikernes - God of killing Lapp's.
Vé - One of the three gods of creation. Brother of Óðinn and Vili.
Verdandi - (Present, or Necessity) one of the three goddesses of fate called Norns who foresee at the base Yggdrasill(The World Tee).
Víðarr - Son of Odin and the giantess Gríðr.
Vilasrai- Godess of the Awkward Silence
Vili - One of the three gods of creation. Brother of Óðinn and Vé.
Vör - Goddess of wisdom. (Goddess? YEah right!)
WALL-E - God of being a scary ass litle devil robot baby!
Yngwie "Does Anyone Have a Guitar Pick? My Middle Name is 'where the fuck is a guitar pick?'" Malmsteen - God of.. well not music, but Really fast noise, Eating Lars Ulrich, and Focking BURGERS
Zoë - Goddess of music
[edit] Vikings: Past, Present, and Future
[edit] Past
If you consult a history book or other semi-reliable reference (such as your teacher, grandparent, or this number 1-306-477-4002(also aplies for a good timeWikipedia), it/they will tell you that the Vikings were not all the berserk warriors that they have become to be known as. And rather, they were farmers, tradespeople, and artists. Of course, this is completely bogus. Vikings were nothing but outrageously powerful and fearless warriors who didn't take crap from anybody. They killed, raped, pillaged, and did whatever the crap they wanted, but at the same time defended the weak, as long as those were weak didn't do anything stupid or lame or were related to George W. Bush. In fact, the only reason people sometimes believe that Vikings were more tame than they really were is because in about 1967, some kid was reading about the Vikings in his history text book and then had a nightmare about them killing his teddy bear that night. He told his parents and they complained to the school board. Of course, this was 1967 and nobody cared if some dumb kid didn't like school. But then, 20 years later in 1987, the same kid (who was not a kid anymore, he was like 30) had the dream again and as a result, refused to go anywhere without his teddy bear due to his overwealming fear that Vikings would come to chop off his precious bear's head. Vikings invented Kubb.
[edit] Present
Vikings still exist to this day, scattered across the nordic countries. Names worth mentioning are Torkil "bjørnebitar" the stout, Johan "vargskjegg" the fierce and Lars "mjølnerneve" the great. All currently living in Trondheim, Norway. By far the most famous Viking is Jordan Maxon. He is an ex-football god and dick enthusiast. Known quotes of his are "Lube it up and shove it in," and "Boy my ass really hurts from last night." He reinvented not only the wide receiver position on the football field by wearing the number 88 and shittin on niggas at the same time but the catcher position in gay sex by being able to take OG Mudbone's full 14 inch cock up his ass. Some schools of thought believe that Noel Coward is also a viking, but really that is the Norwegians trying to appear 'cool'.
[edit] Future
In the future, the vikings take over the earth, and then settle on mars and destroyed the original inhabitants over a row about playing the drums at 6:00 in the morning. This information was got from a reliable source- the man down the road. He made a time machine, and if you want to know how he used three items- tomorrows newspaper, a cat that died three years ago and tony blairs left ear.
[edit] Vikings in Australia
The Vikings were famed for their longships which travelled to far off lands. You can't get any more far off than Australia and only the best ships got that far. The Vikings started sailing to Australia via Rio, then around Cape Horn (named after Erik the Red's hat) and finally crossing the Pacific. Once in Australia they would not only rape and pillage as usual, but drink lots of beer like the locals. The beer in Australia was better than the beer in Greenland, their other holiday playground. They also found other things which were better in Australia than Greenland like the weather, the women and even daytime TV. Pretty soon word spread and more and more Vikings were sailing all the way to Australia. This was not without danger and they would sometimes plunder so much beer that their ships wouldn't make it back home.
[edit] Well-Known Vikings
- Leeroy Armstrong
- Ross Edwards
- Minnesota Vikings
- Bent Hovmand-Olsen
- Júlíus "linduæði" the scout
- Torkil "bjørnebitar" the stout
- John "vargskjegg" the fierce
- Lars "mjølnerneve" the great
- Erik the Red
- Johan Hagg
- Lucy
- tom hughes
- Esben 'The Greatest Viking of them all' Urbak
- Viking Kong
- Sven Goran Erikson (Englands ex-football manager)
- The Melvins
- Lillsnorre
- Röde Orm (Red Snake)
- William the Bastard
- George the Bastard
- Jordan Maxon
- Dagobert the Fierce
- Egill Skalla-Grímsson. Famous for composing poetry while raping and pillaging.
- Gunnar of Hlíðarenda. The inspiration for He-Man
- Gísli son of Sour. Famous Inventor of skyr
- Strom Thurmond. With name like "Strom" you pretty much have to be a viking, right?
- Fredrik Wikingsson
- Metallurgica - a Viking band famous in it's time for being the very root of modern rock.
- Techno Viking
- Dustin Lovell "the skull smasher"
- The Lost Vikings
- Beowulf
- Techno Viking
- Sven Forkbeard - invaded Essex (who'd want to?) and defeated local chavs in the Battle of Maldon.
- Sarah Palin: Alaskan viking snow goddess of hunting and war[[[Media:[1]]]].
- These guys: [2]. That poor violin at :09...
The Allfather, the Hanged God, the Lord of Men, is the supreme judge of heroic things. He has personally reviewed this article and determined that it is up to Valhalla's quality standards. The author is permitted to enter the heroic realm of Asgard upon death. In the meantime, the author will be given a cask of Odin's favorite mead.
![[1]](http://www.grizzlybay.org/LearnMore/SarahPalinBarbarians.jpg){kind=link}