Scary Movie 3
|Scary Movie 3|
|Directed by||Gordon Brown|
|Produced by||Joseph Stalin, Gordon Brown|
|Written by||Edgar Allan Poe (loosely based on characters created by Karl Marx)|
, just to keep up with the "three" theme.
|We're Ready to Approve You!|
This page has been officially approved by the Ghostbusters.
The movie opens on a deserted railroad track. Two Japanese tourists, Suk Mai Tits (Fann Wong) and Fah Kin (Jackie Chan), have wandered off from an overpriced tour of Washington, D.C.. As Fah continues onward, Suk hears something approaching behind them, and is engulfed in a pale yellow light... is it the Badyear Blimp, or is it...?
Meanwhile, elsewhere, things are not going too well for Stacey Cowbell (Paris Hilton). Due to the stress of surviving two slasher films, she is now on the pill, has chlamydia, and smokes like a chimney. To make matters worse, her Chemistry degree from Splatter University (c.f. Scary Movie 2) has given Stacey few career opportunities, forcing her to become a chain-smoking prostitute in a less fashionable part of New York City.
During a session with fellow co-worker Busty Bianca (Rouge the Bat), Stacey learns about the killings, which occurred on a deserted railroad track outside of New York City, and decides to check it out with the aid of Bianca and co-workers Sexy Sue (Minerva Mink) and Mediocre Maggie (Margaret Thatcher), who all set out to the nearest police department, but not before they've flushed a few things.
At the police station, they meet Algernon Bickerdyke (Philip J. Fry), a semi-psychic and a part-time boiler. Bickerdyke tells the four girls that Suk Mai and Fah Kin were both killed on an abandoned railroad line that has been closed for 100 years, ever since a train crash occurred there, killing all aboard and ruining the railroad's chances of insurance fraud. The track has since been haunted by a Ghost Train that repeats the accident and kills anyone in the way as a result. Bianca and Sue tell him it's bullshit, and agree to camp out there tonight despite warnings from Bickerdyke and Stacey, who see eye-to-tit.
That night, the five rest at the railroad track close to where the bodies were found. Accompanying them is Stacey's boss, Pimp Pimpleson (Tom Cruise), a character created purely to be killed off a few scenes into the movie. As the time approaches midnight, the group hear a train approaching, and sure enough, they flee at the sight of the Ghost Train (Thomas the Tank Engine) thundering towards them. Pimp is killed after he fails to get through, and the group decide to take shelter back at Pimp's place.
At the pad, Bickerdyke makes himself at home with Maggie, whilst Stacey is left in shock at events. Sue and Bianca comfort her, but Stacey suddenly spots a photo of Pimp and Mason Fourkeys (c.f. Scary Movie) together, and the plot begins to thicken, especially when Bianca finds a 100-year-old timetable hidden inside an inflatable woman.
With the aid of Bickerdyke, the group begin to research into the history of the Fourkeys, using Stacey's experience and rented copies of Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 from a video store. From there, they learn that Pimp had a relationship with Mason's mother before Mrs. Fourkeys ran off and married another man whose name is not important, but the group cannot find any connection to the sudden appearance of the ghost train, as it is too early in the movie to give that away just yet.
One evening, Maggie is returning via the railroad after picking up some doughnuts for everybody. The Ghost Train re-appears, and she avoids it, but a killer hiding in the woods stabs her repeatedly and tears out her insides, later replacing them with bloodied doughnuts for no apparent reason other than a last-ditch attempt at comedy.
Stacey, who is alone in Pimp's place after Sue and Bianca set out to find Maggie, discovers an old record by The Rutles that Pimp kept under his bed, with one of the faces ringed.
The figure ringed is of a man in a pig mask with sweaty palms and a greasy complexion. It is then that Stacey discovers that Pimp was Mason's father, hated Mrs. Fourkeys for stealing his son, and is reminded of them both every time he plays Tragical History Tour. Running to try and find Bickerdyke, Stacey finds the murdered bodies of Sue, Bianca, and Maggie in the woods close to the railroad line, and it is there that the killer reveals their identity.
The main killer is none other than Mrs. Fourkeys (Bast), the mother of Mason Fourkeys who, upon the death of her only child, took to the life of a gypsy and discovered Black magic, which she used to bring Chucky to life (c.f. Scary Movie 2) and to make the Ghost Train a more volatile weapon. Her original intention was to kill Pimp after he stopped paying child support, but upon discovering that Stacey was in the area, Mrs. Fourkeys tried to kill two birds with one stone, and now plans on using the Ghost Train to kill Stacey once and for all.
Just as the Ghost train begins to materialise, Bickerdyke arrives and shoots Mrs. Fourkeys in the back with a shotgun, allowing Stacey a chance to go free. The two watch as Mrs. Fourkeys is run over by the Ghost Train, which disappears as the Black magic dies with Mrs. Fourkeys, killing a couple of unimportant campers downstream in the shockwave. Stacey thanks Bickerdyke, who confesses to have been a victim of the train accident all along, and vanishes before Stacey's eyes, leaving her in a wood with three dead girls, a record of The Rutles, and a lot of bloodstained doughnuts.
- Paris Hilton – Stacey Cowbell
- Thomas the Tank Engine – The Ghost Train
- Bast – Mrs. Fourkeys
- Philip J. Fry – Algernon Bickerdyke
- Rouge the Bat – Busty Bianca
- Minerva Mink – Sexy Sue
- Margaret Thatcher – Mediocre Maggie
- Tom Cruise – Pimp Pimpleson the Pimp
- Fann Wong – Suk Mai Tits
- Jackie Chan – Fah Kin
- You – random unimportant victim (uncredited)
- Me – another random unimportant victim (uncredited)
Even critics who had given mixed reviews to Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 let all hell loose on this one. They especially disapproved of its refusal to stay within the slasher-parody genre in favour of a remarkably grim psycho-thriller/splatter movie approach. Your Mom once said of the movie:
It's as pointless as a tomato on wheels, even more so because it's
. Just what the fuck were those guys thinking of? A ghost train
?! Come on!
When I told the boys to stop making movies, they didn't listen and went ahead with Scary Movie 2. Now we've got a third movie that proves all along that I'm right and everyone else is wrong, so there.
Nevertheless, the movie still made $83,957,357,902,314,000,000 in its opening weekend alone (a higher profit than Scary Movie 2 turned in 34 years) and helped to pave the way for more God-awful sequels to a somewhat decent movie.
- Blood on the Tracks – the ghost train
- Danny Phantom: The Animated Documentary Series – ghosts popping up out of nowhere
- Duel – killer vehicle with (nearly) no driver
- Freddy v. Jason – showdown between antihero and villain
- The Hunchblack of Notre Dame – the villain is an evil gypsy
- Killer Tomatoes Strike Back – crappy installment in a saga
- Saw – the pig mask
- Scream 3 – almost the main parody
|The Scary Movie series|
|Scary Movies||Scary Movie • Scary Movie 2 • Scary Movie 3 • Scary Movie 4|
|Action Movies||Action Movie • Action Movie 2 • Action Movie 3|
|Cartoon Movies||Cartoon Movie • Cartoon Movie 2 • Cartoon Movie 3 • Cartoon Movie 4 • Cartoon Movie 5|
|Date Movies||Date Movie • Date Movie 2 • Date Movie 3 • Date Movie 4|
|Musical Movies||Musical Movie • Musical Movie 2|
|Spy Movies||Spy Movie • Spy Movie 2|
|Other Movies||Alien Movie • Disaster Movie • Epic Movie • Monster Movie • Shark Movie • Silent Movie • Surreal Movie • Suspense Movie|
|Fairy tale movies||Shrek • Shrek 2|