Scientist

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A scientist is usually a follower of Scientology or a member of the Church of Maher, in which they worship Bill Maher and try to cover up the teachings of the great prophet Drinkus Alcoholicus. It should also be known that the word "scientist" is latin for satanist.

As evidenced by most action movies scientists are inherently bountiful and killing many of them will have little or no effect on their population.

This is proven again in video games, especially those which are based on action movies (ie; James Bond).

Contents 1 History 2 Beliefs 3 Pirates 4 How to Identify Scientists at a Party 5 Song Dedicated to Scientists 6 If you see a scientist..... 7 Scientists 8 See also

[edit] History

The Church of Scientology was founded in 1957 by Aristotle. His revelation went like this:

Aristotle : All these churches smell. I should start me own.
Oscar Wilde : You could earn yo' ass some greens, bro.
 

L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology:The easiest way to make a million dollars is to start your own religion. Scientology stayed quite quiet throughout the crusades, that's why no one noticed it.

Unfortunately, scientists are not all members of the Church of Scientology. However, recent polls confirm that no one cares. But they are incredibly full of themselves and if you criticize them in any way they will run to one of their members who had their brains replaced with law books and try to sue you. Fortunately, they're stupid and always lose due to excessive bitching, unless of course they're real lawyers, in which case they win due to excessive bitching.

[edit] Beliefs

Scientists use the analogy of the five legged tripod to explain the five basic beliefs of their religion:

1. The human soul is the ghastly remains of an alien that was thrown into a volcano by a stereotypical bad-guy the pope. (disputed but may or may not be the actual truth.)
2. Anyone who criticises you is evil. This includes your doctor and mother, (except if your mother is a doctor, then it cancels out).
3. Anything said by a science-fiction writer, such as Charles Darwin, must be taken as dogma, or at least karma.
4. There is no fourth belief. If there were, it would be copyrighted and I'd be frivolously sued and physically intimidated for revealing it (specifically, that while the human soul is indeed the ghastly remains of an alien, the human body evolved from clams.) But I ain't sayin' that, so back off already.
5. The only way to assure life after death is to have a set of beliefs so idiotic that they make parody redundant. (See #5)
6. The extra leg is about 5.4 kilometres long (0.4 miles). It has been traditionally used as a boring extra detail. Some argue that addition of the sixth leg is too complex to be a reasonable -- it is the straw that breaks the camel's back and renders scientology unbelievable in comparison to other more simple theories, such as cannibalism or jell-o-ism. In both cases, the sixth missing pedestal plays a crucial part.
7. Fun is regulated by the Department of Scientologic Fun.
8. [classified: to find out what this belief is, please send a payment of $1,200 to $enter For $alvation, P.O. 1701, Hollywood, CA 90210]

[edit] Pirates

While it is rumoured that some scientists have been known to travel with pirates, and even take part in some of their so-called adventures, only Mad Scientists utterly refuse to join into this sort of thing, strongly disapproving of adventures in general, unless they involve destroying the world and preferably the Whole Known Universe. The exception was the famous pirate-scientist Walter Raleigh, inventor of the bicycle who became famous for his promoting the aids benefits of South American products such as the herbs tobacco, marihuana and the tomato.

[edit] How to Identify Scientists at a Party

• Surprisingly, most scientists do not laugh maniacally - this is copyrighted to the International Mad Scientist Convention.
• Those men and women standing on tables and taking their clothes off are not scientists. They are Real Estate Agents.
• Those men mixing the "fruit punch" and laughing maniacally while tipping in bottles of vodka and packets of illicit looking pills are, also surprisingly, not scientists, although they are 'close relatives'. They are Engineers.
• Those men and women dancing wildly around the centre of the room, knocking over the pot plants and treading on the dog's tail are not scientists. They are Lawyers. Some of them may also be Real Estate Agents part-time.
• Those men and women standing against the walls, holding their wine or beer and nervously stroking their beards (the women wear stick-on beards) and saying "Hmmmm!". They're the Scientists!
• To test if a person at a party is a scientist, try this joke on him (or her in disguise): Ask, "Can I get you another miscible solution of ethanol in dihydrogen oxide?" If he laugh until tears come out of his eyes, he's a scientist. If he giggles nervously and moves away from you, he's an Artist (females artists also wear stick-on beards, but artists can usually be discerned from Scientists because the beards are goatee-style and they wear berets (Warning: Canadians pretending to be French may also wear berets and false goatee beards, but can be identified by the fact that the berets are made from beaver skin).

Scientists are always hungry for cheese. If you see a scientists, quickly throw rocks at it. Nothing is more deadly than a rabid scientist!!!!! Note: if it's a geologist this will only make him stronger, you are better off throwing alcohol out the window, he will follow!

[edit] Song Dedicated to Scientists

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you Tell you I need you Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets And nurse me your questions Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles Coming up tails Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing At numbers and figures Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science Science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me Come back and haunt me Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles Chasing our tails Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy Oh, it's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh Ah ooh ooh ooh ooh Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[edit] If you see a scientist.....

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go on without me.................................................................................................................................

[edit] Scientists

• Dr. <insert name here>
• Batra
• Dr Emmett Brown
• That Guy
• Oscar Wilde
• David Hasselhoff
• Céline Dion
• Douglas de la Haye
• Pauly Shore
• Cyrano de Bergerac
• Alton Brown
• User:Pieclone
• Richard Simmons
• Bill O'Reilly
• Kurt Cobain
• Hubert J. Farnsworth
• Aquaman
• Carl Sagan
• Rosie O'Donnellum
• Evelyn Waugh
• Dark Jesus
• King Ralph
• Bertolt Brecht
• Eva Perón
• Incredible Hulk
• Your Mom
• Milla Jovovich
• User:ThePizz
• Doubting Thomas
• Eddie Van Halen
• L. Ron Hubbard
• Lisa Simpson
• Anti-Sheen
• Tim McIlrath
• Clown Hitler
• Erwin Schrödinger
• Sean Lithgow
• Kürt Gödël
• User:Carbonrodney
• Adam Rickitt

[edit] See also

• Scientist fun
• International Mad Scientist Convention
• "Scientists Run The Government" Conspiracy Theory

• Medical technologist
• Getting laid