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This article is about the cult scam wonderfully fantabulously perfect religion soap opera shit video game disco band. You may actually be looking for the space opera on which the religion is based. Due to the inability to make Scientology funnier than it already is, we here at Uncyclopedia have surrendered to this fact, and will give you the Xenu story unabridged as it appears on South Park.

Somebody's got a copyright lawsuit with the Catholic Church....
The Scientology Fish.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Scientology.

Scientology is the major cult amongst the community today, and the archenemy of the internet AND A HIGHLY RESPECTABLE, LEGITIMATE RELIGION. It is based on the belief that money is evil, and that it is the duty of scientists to gather it all into one safely contained area to prevent all the suffering and pain in the universe. This is the main reason it is so popular with certain celebrities, who having grown up with no discerning talent are lost as to what to do with their masses of cash when it's thrown at them. IT IS A REAL RELIGION.

The organization helps people achieve the goal of shedding their money AND PUTTING IT GO GOOD USE, and subsequent negative karma, by leading them through a series of stages, or "levels" (often abbreviated lvl or OT). On achieving lvl20 (OT20), a Scientologist sheds his body thetans and gains Super Strength, Invulnerability, Invisibility, the ability to Fly, Immortality and heat rays that come out of his ass. There is an apparent lvl21 but no one has reached it because no one has found the Magestaff with +6 'give money to go on the big ship' skill. Scientologists always greet each other by farting in each others faces it is believed that this allows their minds to absorb the thetans in flatulence allowing their minds to develop telekinetic powers.

The name Scientology comes from Science and -ology, which means the science of. This means that it is the Science of Science, therefore anyone who doesn't follow its practises is at odds with reality, and will shortly cease to exist. Followers of Scientology are scientists, not to be confused with Scientologists, who are cheaper, Chinese produced rip-offs chock full of lead based paint.

How true is Scientology? 0 PERCENT TRUE since it is a religion.


The Story of Gylnn[edit]

Approximately seventeen years ago, Glynn the almighty who had 3 toes on each foot, the ruler of chocolate milk invented money to cope with the abundance of useless metals, including gold and silver. However, after discovering its ability to control and manipulate the populace, he began to abuse his new found powers.

In outrage at their leaders new policies, including such tragedies as ugly people getting sex, should they possess money, the first scientists all gathered together and drove Glynn out of the city.

Unfortunately Glynn went to neighboring countries, most notably Greece, Turkey and The Underworld, and pursuaded them that money was a good idea. They were so convinced that they invaded Atlantis, took all the remaining money and sunk the entire city. Why couldn't it have been Ireland?

Post-Atlantic Glynn[edit]

After money took off, Glynn fell into a long depression, caused by his lack of recognition for, and inability to match the success of, his first invention. The scientists even stopped bothering him, realising there were more influential and rich people that needed "saving". However, after whinging and moaning for the majority of his life about under appreciation, Glynn realised he didn't have long to live. So, using his intrinsic knowledge of money, Glynn created enough currency to buy immortality from the Gods. Left with an eternity to kill, Glynn wandered the world as a session bongo player, sitting in with many famous musicians, including Jimi Hendrix, Santana, Mozart and Miles Davis.

He also authored the work Glynn's Paradox. Glynn's Paradox states that in order to get rid of all of your body thetans, you must first get rid of half of them. However, in order to get rid of half, you must first get rid of a quarter, and so on. Thus, although you continually have fewer body thetans, you will never run out of them, and will therefore have to continue to pay money to the Church of Scientology indefinitely. Glynn created the paradox in order to prove that culling idiots is ultimately a pointless exercise, a proof which led to the 2005 hunting ban in England. Also, I like chocolate milk.

The Alternative Story[edit]

About a hundred trillion gajillion years ago the Evil lord Xenu was an evil baddie guy. He wanted to destroy his alien overlords so he took them hostage. He then flew to the Earth in a big rocket ship. He dropped the frozen aliens in Africa where they caught fish to eat, one of these fish they called Hubbard, he became there friend. Then they caught malaria from Hubbard and starved to death. They then caught fire and burned.

Upon incineration the souls of the charred remains of what were once aliens were freed. They wandered the Earth for tons of years until the first humans came into existence (how they did is a whole separate subject). One alien named Hubbardd accidentally let loose the butt cannon when floating near one of the humans. The gas smelled worst then mustard gas and caused fear to come into existence in the human world. It also left a kind of magical essence inside of all humans.

After causing fear to be introduced to mankind the overlords went their separate ways. They became incorporated in cultures of many kinds. Some of the known overlords names are Budha, God, Thor, Zeus, Ra, and MacGyver. Hubbard, the alien that caused it all, felt guilty for what he did. So he waited until a place in time where humans didn't speak in a mixed variety of "ughs", "uhhhs", and other sex grunts. Also they had to be gullible enough to believe this steaming pile of sh*t. so when the 1950s came around he reincarnated himself as L. Ron Hubbard and invented (litteraly invented, like just pulled it out of thin air) the scam really real religion known as scientology.

Innovations of the Church of Scientology[edit]

"Rohypnol anyone?"

How to Protect Yourself[edit]

If by some horrible chance you encounter a Scientologist, remain calm. There are a few ways to evade it. Scientology has shite sight that is based mostly on movement, so try to stay very still before it sees you. Also, its other senses compensate for its lack of sight. Stay downwind of it for several hundred yards to aviod being smelled out. Make as little noise as possible because it can hear very well. If you are retarted and cannot keep from being detected, there is only one way to fight it off yourself... but sadly we haven't successfully found that way yet. Just stay away from it.


Scientologists first find recruiting potentials on streets using a device called the BS-meter. The device measures how gullible scientific the candidate is. It also conducts a credit check on the applicant. The product of these two factors is called the "thetan level". If the thetan level is acceptably high the Scientologists invite the candidate to a scientology brainwashing movie.

You can make your own BS Meter by taking a Voltmeter, attach 2 strings to the voltmeter along with a tin can at each end of the strings, and writing "BS Meter" on it with a felt tip pen, and then mailing off $1300 to the "Church".


eL(Ron)grams are the Scientology equivalent of cooties. Scientologists blame everything wrong with a person on how loud the mother was in giving birth. Only babies born through Silent Virgin Births are free from eL(Ron)grams. Scientology says, "that words should be avoided because any words used during birth might be reassociated by adults with their earlier traumatic birth experience", if a silent birth should occur, then silence would be reassociated with trauma.

Note: Your bank accounts contain trace amounts of eL(Ron)grams. You must go to the nearest Scientology Celebrity Centre to have it laundered.

Joining the Church of Scientology[edit]

In order to get in you must be penetrated by this man.

The Audition to join the church is pretty much like a psychiatry session: the scientologist, as patient, reveals his secrets to another scientologist, as the listener. The listener records all the secrets, so that they can blackmail the patient if he tries to leave the Church.

Typically, the patient, or auditionee, holds onto two probes which are connected to an e-Baymeter which records the background levels of feedback ratings they have accumulated from many lifetimes of experiences. Negative feedback ratings are addressed and removed so that the auditionee can be free of them and not, according to Scientology, have "their bid" for eternal happiness "blocked."

These e-Baymeters usually cost between $1,500 and 3,000 for the deluxe models that play mp3's and can be hooked up to the Wii.


Disconnection from Scientology generally occurs during blackouts or if someone walks carelessly behind the console. The scientologist is forbidden to talk with all non-scientologists, will not receive any kind of refund and will lose all unsaved progress.

Study Tech[edit]

The scientologist evolve in Scientology hierarchy by completing study techs. Successful completion of each level requires only two things; a progressively increasing amount of EXP and huge amounts of money.

Final Boss[edit]

The final boss of Scientology is a powered up version of Lord Xenu. In order to reach the final boss fight a Scientologist must be at least OT Level 56 and its recommended that you have at least a full set of Plasma Armour, a full Rogue outfit, 500 Gorgnak Arrows, a swift melee weapon and the ability to go beyond Super Saiyan. Upon defeating Xenu, a player is granted access to the end credits of Scientology and can play through again to unlock extras.

However, you can just do some crazy dances early in your game ("Cheat Activated" will be shown at upper right hand corner in your sight upon succession in doing the right moves, which involves turning around, jumping and changing your item in hand to another) to skip the troubles of fighting Xenu and blah blah blah. This dance will grant you access to all the extras.

There were rumors once that Tom Cruise made his own cheat code by jumping on Oprah's couch, thereby making him the new Lord Xenu... rumors that Lord Xenu/Tom Cruise swiftly denied.

After defeating Xenu, you are thrown back to the title screen. You have .1 second to enter the following code:

This allows you to download the full OT shit off Piratebay.

Bonus round[edit]

You get a lobotomy. If you can still add two simple digits, you get the exclusive prize of a second lobotomy - The Tom Cruise medal for conscenting young adults.

The Psychiatrist Conspiracy[edit]

Psychiatrists working around the clock to discredit Scientology on the internet.
These blotches of ink are carefully crafted by psychiatrists to give subtle mind cues to incite suspicion of Scientology.

On 20th May 2007 an anonymous whistleblower tipped off Australian authorities to a purported psychiatrist anti-scientology cell, which supposedly is one of a global network.

It was not until a full investigation that the true extend of the network was discovered. A top secret memo from the elusive worldwide leader of the psychologist network revealed their current agenda:

  1. Destroy scientology by spreading lies by any means possible. Only they know the truth about us and we must discredit them wherever possible.
  2. Prescribe Ritalin(TM) mind control stimulants to impressionable patients, and use subtle mind control hints, such as manipulative ink blotches, to invoke scientology hate.
  3. Make sure your secretary makes your patients wait in a waiting room and not come rushing into your office, so you have plenty of time to conceal your instruments of torture.
  4. While listening to patients talking about their pathetic, meaningless lives think of ways to help our fight against Scientology and note them down in your notepad. Say "mmm" and "uh-huh" a lot, so that they think you're listening to them. Never show your patients your notepad.

A "Psychiatrist Union" representative gave a statement denouncing the allegations, and claiming that it was another hoax by the Church of Scientology. In response to a question on an alleged firebombing of a Scientology Church, the representative waved an ink blot image at the reporter in a trance-enducing, swaying motion.

Scientology versus the Internet[edit]

The conflict between Scientology and the Internet began in 1996, when Tom Cruise, having just lost his position at the IMF, tried to search for a job on Usenet, and was instead redirected to a website about the Book of Job. Naturally, he was upset that the Internet was discriminating against non-Christians and trying to push its religion on him. Some well-meaning users tried to placate him by posting the scriptures of Scientology, but little did they know that among the documents they posted was a passage known to kill people who had not been properly prepared to read it. Finding that it was impossible to remove the scriptures from Usenet, the Church of Scientology launched a massive spam campaign in order to prevent anyone from finding and reading the deadly passage. To this date, it has not been found (or rather, no one who found it has survived). Karin Spaink and Wikileaks claim to have a copy, but their version, an implausible story about an alien tyrant who blows up souls in volcanoes, is obviously a red herring planted by the Church, since no one has died from reading it.

Despite the diplomatic resolution of the incident, tensions remain high between the Church and the Internet. Many Internet users are still resentful for the spam, and many Scientologists blame the Internet for the death of Church member Lisa McPherson, who died of complications from a car accident that took place while she was rushing to Cabal Headquarters to prevent the posting of the death scriptures. Conflict briefly flared up again in 2008 when someone leaked a top secret video detailing Tom Cruise's telekinetic powers to YouTube, but luckily the Church's opponents turned out to be 4chan users, who, after fifteen minutes of rage, went back to masturbating to lolicon as the thread fell off the last page of /b/.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Tomcruiseanimated.gif This article forms part of the series on Scientology
Beliefs Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous
Concepts The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)
Practices Kitten Huffing
People L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy
Enemies You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous