Scott Norwood

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Scott Norwood (#11) kicks another field goal. Given his success rate, one can assume he nailed this particular attempt.
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for epic fail?

“I could have kicked that one through. Hell, my fucking grandmother could have... Oh...!”

~ Every Bills fan, still crying twenty years later, on Scott Norwood

Scott Norwood is an American Football placekicker perhaps best known for all of the field goals he didn't miss. Despite his great success at his position, he is often referred to by his nickname, "Wide Right". This name is probably a reference to one of his few near-misses.

Norwood (middle) is congratulated by his Birmingham Stallions teammates on another successful field goal. Norwood enjoyed great success in the USFL (and loyal Alabama football fans who never booed him).

Early career[edit]

Norwood began his professional career kicking for the USFL's Birmingham Stallions, and led them in scoring both seasons before Donald Trump's hairdo sold the league for one dollar. He was then quickly signed by the Buffalo Bills, for whom he became the team's all-time leading scorer, surpassing all other kickers before him as well as any and all acquitted murderers. He was soon to become an integral piece of the Bills' growing success, culminating in their advance to the 1990 Super Bowl, despite the utter silliness of their team nickname.

Kicking success[edit]

Along the way, Norwood became known as the human highlight reel[1], three points through the uprights virtually guaranteed every time he stepped out onto the gridiron. Even up until today, one cannot think of field goal kicking success without giving consideration to the skill and reliability that Norwood exemplified. With an all-time percentage of 72.3, connecting on 133 of 184 attempts, Norwood ranks among the game's best ever.

In his greatest moment, Norwood almost single-handedly propelled the Bills through the 1990 season and playoffs, scoring more points than any kicker in league history.[citation needed] In fact, it could be argued that if it weren't for Norwood, the Bills would not even have made the playoffs that year. Indeed, if you eliminate his 110 points scored, simple math shows that the team would have finished the season winless.[2]

"Wide-right", as he is unfairly known, often got emotional, even the few times he didn't make it.

An epic finish, then retirement[edit]

As a footnote to his storied career, Norwood missed the chip shot that would have given the Bills their otherwise well-deserved only Super Bowl championship win.[3] He kicked for one more season after that, avoiding hurled rocks from the grandstands that stadium and team management were unwilling to discourage.

Today, Norwood spends his days at his home in Buffalo, spending every waking moment in his backyard, kicking chip-shot field goals through uprights he built himself. He makes every single attempt, crying his eyes out.


  1. At least among the placekicker community, a tight-knit group of leggy Swedes, mostly
  2. I didn't actually do the math, but it's fairly certain you can't win if you don't make any field goals or extra points. Isn't it?
  3. Yeah. A fucking chip shot. And hell if you can tell Bills fans any different.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Scott Norwood.

 National Football League 
AFC East North South West
Buffalo Bills Baltimore Ravens Houston TexansHouston Texans Denver Broncos
Miami Dolphins Cincinnati Bengals Indianapolis Colts Kansas City ChiefsKansas City Chiefs
New England Patriots Cleveland Browns Jacksonville JaguarsJacksonville Jaguars Oakland RaidersOakland Raiders
New York Jets Pittsburgh Steelers Tennessee TitansTennessee Titans San Diego ChargersSan Diego Chargers
NFC East North South West
Dallas Cowboys Chicago Bears Atlanta FalconsAtlanta Falcons Arizona Cardinals
New York GiantsNew York Giants Detroit Lions Carolina PanthersCarolina Panthers St. Louis RamsSt. Louis Rams
Philadelphia Eagles Green Bay Packers New Orleans Saints San Francisco 49ers
Washington Redskins Minnesota Vikings Tampa Bay Buccaneers Seattle Seahawks
Terrell Owens | John Madden | Rex Grossman | Kyle Orton | O.J. Simpson | Scott Norwood | Al Davis | Dan Snyder| Brian Urlacher
Canadian Football League | American Football | Anti-Football | Real football
Patriot Act (football) | Football hooligans | Marching band | The Super Bowl