Scottish National Party

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Deputy First Minister Nicola "Zira" Sturgeon
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Scottish National Party.

“C’Mon Alex, give me more policies, I want to imitate your bad ones and petulantly refute your good ones”

~ Gordon Brown on SNP

“Wash your hands after touching that raw chicken my dear, otherwise you might catch Salmondella”

~ Delia Smith on sensible kitchen hygiene

“I bet Scotland can have a million fans before England”

~ Relevant diagnose: Addicted to likes, no need for a Twitter account

The Scottish National paintbrushers Party (SNP; Scottish Gaelic: Pàrtaidh Nàiseanta na h-Alba; Scots: Scotch Naitional Pairtie) is a group of brutal tyrants that currently shares rule with London over Scotland. They were founded in 1938, temporarily deposed in 1942, and reinstated in 1950. The current dominant male is Mel Gibson.

To the right is a picture of Nicola Sturgeon cooing as she realises that she has worn a completely inappropriate lego hair piece to a television interview. Silly sturgeon.

Current Status and History[edit]

Pàrtaidh Nàiseanta na h-Alba is a political party within Scotland. It promises to free the Scotland from the shackles binding it to the United Kingdom and allowing it to regain it's Independence by waving ta-ta to one foreign country and replacing it with another foreign country. It's sole aim is to replace Scotland's London rule to Scotland's Brussels rule. The country will still have the Queen as Head of State. pretend military bases where Scottish troops will be armed with plastic bows & arrows with suckers on the end, paper origami darts and a selection of brightly coloured water bomb balloons.

About the Party[edit]

The SNP controls 2.3 of the 7.5 seats within the Scottish Parliament in Holyrood, Edinburgh and was founded at the Battle of Bannockburn near Stirling in 1314 when a couple of guys at the back of the infantry had finished playing their game of cards and finally put the whisky decanter down. Their idea to set a political party and set rules & regulations and party political manifestos was based solely on incoherent drunken ramblings. (Nothing's changed I see!)

Nowadays, the party has grown into a crack political team consisting of Alex 'Fat Boab' Salmond, John 'Hen Broon' Swinney, Keith 'did ye ken I was a marine' Brown, Stewart 'Beaker' Stevenson, Nicola 'Jimmy Krankie' Sturgeon and Christina 'havnae a clue whit am dain' McKelvie who all like to piss and moan at anything Labour suggest or anyone in Scotland with any kind of brain or forward thinking recommends.

The SNP currently run Scotland using the following method of Government:

  • 1) SNP make suggestion in Parliament.
  • 2) Scottish Labour laugh at SNP and talk about how crap and stupid their idea is.
  • 3) Other parties all laugh simultaneously at SNP and talk about how crap and stupid their idea is.
  • 4) SNP go round Holyrood offices begging other political parties to help put their idea through.
  • 5) Other parties laugh at the SNP saying they will run an Independent Scotland but can't get silly and stupid ideas through presently.
  • 6) SNP give up crap and stupid idea and then blame Westminster.
  • 7) In more recent times, it is more important to promise indepedndance from these paternalists in London. It is still immoral to tell Salmond to give his people a ballot paper (on any issue that concerns Scotland).

The Leader[edit]

Lord High Protector of Caledonia, Alba, Scotia and Keeper of the Sacred Sporran Alex Salmond

The leader of this rag-tag band of morons is a strange man called Eck the Fish. Some take pity on the fat man- his inability to answer questions has lead to suggestions he is deaf, or perhaps stupid. Others with a reasonable amount of IQ realize that Unionists Jack McConnell, Annabel 'Jabba' Golding are much better. The SNP is a piss-your-vote-away party.

The name of "Salmond" is no coincidence. It is not well known, but Alex was actually the result of a breeding experiment gone badly wrong. Scientists tried to breed Sean Connery with a salmon, hoping to create a super-espionage fish to spy on the Russians with. However, the experiment backfired and the opposite happened. Instead of a super-fish, what we got was a man with a distinctly salmon-like face. This could also explain his obesity, but the most people think he just eats way too many custard pies, mince pies, sausage suppers, black pudding suppers and strawberry tarts.

Obesity is no coincedence as Alex is usually found touring the Indian curry houses throughout Scotland whilst drawing love hearts and writing "A.S. loves S.T." on the pages of his Racing Post newspaper each day in in typically schoolboy admiration to musician Sandi Thom. Sean Connery is said to be deeply saddened and extremely broken hearted that Alex has cooled his romantic links with him now Sandi Thom has come on the scene. Alex always remains upbeat saying Sean shouldn't feel too sad and lonely as he'll never, ever forget his first real crush and still has a poster of Sean up in his office.

Alex is well known to be available for a photo opportunity whenever one should arise. He was photographed astride a bicycle decked out in saltire spandex and holding a saltire flag above his head as someone recently passed him on the steps of Hollyrood and shouted the words "Hoy you ya bam!" Mr Salmond took this to mean that he had just been mistaken for superfit gold medalist Chris Hoy and now eats a well known breakfast cereal to be just like Chris.

SNP Policy[edit]

"They may take our lives but they'll never take our haggis suppers!"
  • Rebuild Hadrian's Wall... and make it taller.
  • It's Scotland's oil, let's burn it.
  • Complete outlawing of cricket or anything resembling it.
  • Borrow lots of money and then go independent so as not to pay it back, also called "the-one-night-stand" policy.
  • Make sure Scotland continue their tradition of not reaching major international football events.
  • Ban Morris Dancers in Scotland.
  • Ban all Alcohol not made in Scotland, expect Irish Whiskey. So no more Buckfast.
  • Full acknowledgement that Scotland invented the chair.
  • Full acknowledgement that Scotland invented wallpaper.
  • Make shortbread and whisky the staple diet of all primary school children.
  • Take away free speech and ban music.
  • Open as many donut shops across Scotland and name them after their chief donut McSalmonds.
  • Have every female over the age of 16 wear tweed skirts and size two granny shoes as homage to Nicola Sturgeon.
  • Have Alex Salmond pick the Scotland football & rugby squads for all major competitions.
  • Have every well represented person in Scotland bankrupt while the SNP use their money to pay for the wasters.
  • Have curry houses throughout Scotland open 24/7.
  • Turn Scotland into one big Braveheart themed funpark.
  • Oversee a haggis adoption scheme which will bring much neeeded Scotch Groats into the economy.
  • Monopolise the worlds mince pie outlets and have one overall outlet based at Bute House.
  • Claim all people throughout the world who have ever achieved anything of note to have Scots blood in them.
  • Remake a Scottish version of every Laurel & Hardy film which will star himself as Oliver Hardy and Nicola Sturgeon as Stan Laurel.
  • Replace the "welcome to Scotland" sign at the border between Scotland & England with one saying "Jings crivens yer noo in Scotland ye ken, aye braw Scotland ken"
  • Kidnapping Britney Spears and making her queen of Scotland and declaring Scotland a Communist country.
  • Make it law that every Scottish male has to wear a glengarry hat with an 18" feather or face deportation.
  • Airbrush images of the Monarchy from photos & replace with images of William Wallace. (Falkirk SNP were chosen to oversee this policy)
  • Make it illegal to be sober after 6pm.
  • A 5 year prison sentence for anyone found preserving the peace.
  • Make sure that all Scots speak with such an accent no one else in the world can understand them.
  • Bankrupt Scotland within three weeks of Independence and blame Westminster for allowing us.
  • Change policy at will whenever everyone laughs at previous policies.
  • Make everyone wear a piece of clothing daily with a Saltire flag on it.
  • Every swinger club in Scotland will be required to have ten Union Jacks hanging from the ceiling. Then they can swing like Tarzan.
  • Mr Al-Fayed will become President. If a hotelmanager in Edinburgh has 250 ppm of alcohol in his blood, he will be told to double it.
Everytime the hotelmanager drinks a third bottle of booze, he will have to purchase a new Ferrari for the Hotel, while taking it for a spin.

The Opposition[edit]

The SNP's constantly impeded progress has been attributed by historians to whom the SNP have to share a parliament with.

Scottish Labour (London Labour) Want to keep Scotland dank, desolate and depressing.

Liberal Democrats (Hangers On) Want to take credit for everything while doing absolutely nothing.

Conservatives (Tories) Want to "conserve" Scotland by closing it down completely.

Scottish Greens (Hippies) Want everyone in Scotland to peddle a bike, wear beige corduroy fashion trousers and have a constant supply of candles for lighting purposes.

Scottish Socialists (Cubans) Want to recreate the country of Cuba in Scotland.

Solidarity (Jailbirds) Want to show solidarity by putting everyone in Scotland in jail alongside their leader and recreate the country Cuba behind bars.

The BBC[edit]

The BBC love the SNP with a vengeance, and its employees have been known to sacrifice children and create life-like Alex Salmond dolls to show how Pro-Scotland they are.

The BBC's adoration of the SNP can be summed up in their obsessive promotion of Scotland in general, they treat Scotland as if it was heaven, in which they only ever air pro-Scotch propaganda and football on the TV to keep the English subdued.

Recently the BBC were threatened with legal action by the SNP when they refused to screen a full weekend of "sheep watch". The SNP argued that every Scot should learn all about the sheep as it's their national animal. Rumours that a full weekend of "dry stane dyking for beginners" was postponed until further notice, due to a supposed legal dispute, are yet to be confirmed.

On 6 May, 2011 the BBC were turned into the TBI otherwise known as Trump Broadcasting International. Alex Salmond will present the Scottish News in Gaelic, Scots Doric, Auld Scots and local dialect Weegie talk.

The BBC and all other media organisations have hailed the recent performance of the SNP in local elections as: "an historic victory", "genius" etc. because about one in five Scotch voted for the SNP.

After this secton was written, Stewie Griffin told the BBC that it was written. More importantly: no one in Britain would think of these alegations as untrue, and someone needs to counter-act these impressions. To move away the BBC from these strange manners, the Chief Editor ordered the BBC to start up the ""BBC loves Scandinavia". Joanna Lumley was legally obliged to make a documentary on the Aurora Borealis. BBC loves Scotland was the BBC, now it is no more.

See also[edit]