Screwdriver

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“Now THAT'S a tool!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Screwdrivers

“Primarily used for screws”

~ Hitman: Blood money on Screwdrivers

The Screwdriver is a tool that has taken centuries to develop, and in today's society has many uses. These uses include toothpick, stab-wound inflicter, vandalizing tool, or even screwing. The screwdriver also takes many different forms.

Believed to be the first screwdriver developed by ancient humans.

Uses[edit]

Screwing[edit]

As stated above, the screwdriver is a highly useful item. Its first and foremost use, and the one it is designed for, which is screwing things, this is where the screwdriver is most handy. To use it, hold the screwdriver by its handle in either hand, and using a clockwise motion with the wrist, turn it. Gently apply pressure downward, or upward, depending on what direction you are screwing in. Make sure that the grooves in the screw match up with the shape of the screwdriver's head. The second and most satisfying use is to give a female multiple screwdrivers, until she allows you to screw her, ironically the second half does not involve the screwdriver.

Toothpick[edit]

To use the screwdriver as a toothpick, you will need one of two things. Either a very small screwdriver, or teeth the size of cellular phones. Assuming you have one of these things, we can continue. Hold the handle firmly in either hand, as said above. Put the pointier end in the gap between your teeth and use a gentle in-out motion. DO NOT jab repeatedly at your gums. More than one person has met an untimely demise due to unnecessary gum jabbing.

Stabbing[edit]

A use for the screwdriver which is becoming rapidly more popular is the use as a stabbing tool. To use your screwdriver as a stabbing tool, a few precautions must be taken. first, make sure you are properly equipped. Have at least two hand towels, a pair of gloves, a rag, and one bottle of vodka. Put on the gloves, put the rag in your pocket, tie the towels together and hold them in your non-dominate hand, and drink the vodka if you find your nerves are getting to you. The best situation is one where you have the element of surprise. Sneak up on your victim, making as little noise as possible. When you are about a foot behind him/her, jump forward and wrap your arm around the victim's neck, then make one quick jab to the neck with your screwdriver. If he/she continues to struggle, stab both of their eyes and then throw them to the ground, and make wild jabs at them at random. Screaming while doing this is optional. The screwdriver is a wonderful tool for eye gouging as well, comparable to the hammer. Now, use the towels to mop up the blood, and wipe any bodily fluids off of you with the rag (nobody wants HIV.) Dispose of the body in an inconspicuous manner, either with a garbage bag in the dumpster, or slicing the whole body into tiny peices and sneaking them into your dog's dinner one piece at a time.

Vandalism[edit]

An unconventional use for the screwdriver is one of a tool for vandalism. It is very easy to simply scratch things up with your screwdriver. Other uses are;

  • Ripping fabric
  • Chipping concrete
  • Screwing three-inch-long screws into furniture
  • Making Jackson Pollock-esque paintings with blood spatters (see paragraph on stabbing)
  • Keying cars (screwdriver-ing?)
  • Hurting presidents
  • Throwing at small woodland creatures at zoos
  • Dismantling public property

Sex[edit]

Warning: Gross! Yes, that's right, sex. Stick the screwdriver up her vagina and turn it on, There Will Be Blood but it is very sexy and you can drink the blood as a sign of your love/lust for her. Then, invite your friends over for a blood screwdriver orgy and it will be a party to remember. Make sure they all bring screwdrivers and are ready to have some fun, also make sure that the batteries are charged if they are wireless.

Types of Screwdrivers[edit]

There are many types of screwdrivers. Each different type of screwdriver is useful in different ways. We will be discussing several types here. First, the Jewler's screwdriver. Then, the Phillips Screwdriver. Then, the Flathead, and finally, El Mondo Screwdriver.

The Jewler's Screwdriver[edit]

This is considered the baby of all screwdrivers. Very tiny, and often comes in six packs. Designed to unscrew the tiny thread-sized screws used in watches, it has been more recently used as the following;

  • Splint for broken finger
  • Toothpick (see above)
  • Chopsticks
  • Ear Cleaning Device
  • WMD
  • Scalpel
  • Improvised Sedative
A Jewler's Screwdriver in action.

Phillips Head Screwdriver[edit]

Phillips Head screwdrivers are the most common forms of screwdrivers. It can be determined from other forms by its " X " shaped head. They were invented by this guy named Phillip, apparently. They are the most common type of screwdriver, and can be found almost anywhere. They are famous for their imposing iron will upon a screw, driving it into the wood with impeccable force. Phillips head screwdrivers can also be used to replace the "x" key on a typewriter.

Flat Head Screwdriver[edit]

Basically the same as a Phillps head but totally useless.

El Mondo Screwdriver[edit]

The stuff of legends. The El Mondo Screwdriver was used to build the earth by God, as everyone knows the earth is held together by very large screws. Legend has it that whoever can obtain the El Mondo Screwdriver can build planets, destroy planets, unwind the space-time continuum, Obtain any member of the opposite sex they want, and summon Chuck Norris to do their bidding for three and a half seconds. The El Mondo Screwdriver is bright purple in color, and glows with the intensity of a thousand suns. It spans three parsecs in length, and possesses a torque of over 30,000,000...torquethings. yeah. FEAR IT!

History of the Screwdriver[edit]

The screwdriver is believed to have been invented by none other than Archimedes, mostly because if anyone can't figure out who invented something, they blame it on Archimedes. For example, nobody knows who was the first to invent sex toys, and so we claim that the good old A-man did it. Now, the first screwdrivers had very little use, as it was five hundred-some years before they invented the screwdriver's coupling, the screw. So, there is some question as to why Archimedes made the damned thing. The most common theory is that he wanted to use it as a weapon to kill off the original inventors of most of the stuff he claimed he invented (wastrel bastard.). Anyhoo, the Screwdriver has played very important roles throughout history, claiming as many lives as it built buildings. These include the following:

The screwdriver is/was...

  • What really killed the dinosaurs.
  • The one and only real Black Death.
  • Hitler's favorite fork.
  • What really killed JFK
  • Why this article is getting so old so goddamn quickly.

And many others.

How to find a screwdriver[edit]

The easiest way to obtain a screwdriver is to steal one. Screwdrivers can be found mainly in two places, tool boxes and tool shelves. An easier way (and less illegal) to obtain one is to buy one. There like 5 bucks at Home Depot.

Stealing from tool boxes[edit]

To steal from a tool box, you'll have to find one. Tool boxes are usually found in garages. Once you have located a garage where a tool box can be found, make sure you have the necessary equipment. The equipment you will need includes:

  • Crowbar, either steel or titanium in construction
  • Hammer, ball-peen
  • Semiautomatic .45 caliber rifle
  • 50 rounds for rifle
  • All the Harry potter books
  • Towel
  • Lockpick

When you have these items, you are ready to pull off your pilfering of the tool box. Begin by shooting out all the windows in the house. This isn't done so much for practicality as it is for effect. Then, use the crowbar to break into the garage. When you have located the toolbox inside the garage, use the lockpick to open the lock that will most likely be on the toolbox. Once open, use the towel to rifle through the toolbox until you have located the screwdriver. take the screwdriver and leave the hammer in it's place. I mean, breaking all their windows, smashing into their garage, and taking their screwdriver seems kind of mean. You might as well leave them a gift of a

Theres a screwdriver in that circle... somewhere.

supreme eye-gouging tool. Then, make your escape, and you have a new screwdriver.

Stealing from a tool shelf[edit]

Follow the same rules as above, but you wont need the lockpick.