Scurvy

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Scurvy.

Scurvy (from Late Latin Scurvy, pronounced 'rickets') results from an insufficient amount of Vitamin C. Scurvy is a sexually in the blood stream. The disease is caused by colonies of scurvy bacteria latching on to blood borne vitamin C

cells, allowing favorable conditions for secondary infections (see Scabies). Scurvy possibly kills over 2 people annually maybe, although complications from the disease are thought to claim an additional 0-1 victims each year. Scurvy is found mostly in 1st World countries where access to good sources of Vitamin C are abundant. This is most likely due to the corresponding abundance of Big Macs and high quality reality-based television, which reduce the intake of foods such as oranges. = = Origins Thanks to the Scurvy Genome Project, scientists have been able to trace the parentage of all modern scurvy bacteria back to the original scurvy progenitor (known by his progeny as "the Abraham of Scurvy", or just "gramps"). Shortly after the Battle of Trafalger in 1585, the great English sailor and explorer Sir John Scurvy set out for the East Coast of Spain in search of adventure and booty. The British had just routed the vaunted Spanish Armada. Scurvy, captain of the H.M.S. Pinto, had been instrumental in the victory. The intrepid sailor sailed for Valencia to claim his share of the spoils. Contemporary biographers claimed that Scurvy's mission was to colonize the region and export some of its vast orange resources to England. Modern scholars disagree, believing that these chronicles probably paint an overly favorable picture of the mythic figure. Historian Fillard Millmore explains "By the time he reaches Valencia, Scurvy had been at sea many months. He most likely wanted to export some prostitutes onto his penis." This is buttressed by Scurvy's later account of the adventure Tails of the High Seas: "Arr... When me first mate first told me that land were spotted off th' starboard bow, I say to meself 'Time for some hardcore sexin'. Arr'" = Local opposition was fierce. Native Valencians had no intentions of allowing an English pirate to swashbuckle the local prostitutes, leaving only their wives's behinds. When the ship approached the Spanish Port of Condado Anaranjado, the villages launched a massive bombardment of Valencia oranges against the navel invaders. Scurvy's crew took heavy losses, but in the frey one comely Spanish streetwalker was taken hostage. Determined to revenge the earlier Spanish atrocities, Scurvy vowed to drive the harlot insane through a series of deviant sexual activities. Unfortunately for Western Civilization, the use of bananas as sexual devices was in its infancy. Scurvy used oranges... the very same Valencia oranges that had taken the lives of so many of his brethren... as the sexual torture device. As one thing led to another, the disease that bears Sir John Scurvy's name entered the world of men not unlike how the modern AIDS epidemic has been brought upon us by sick bastards buttfucking monkeys in the early 80's.

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= History Scurvy, one of the less popular modern diseases, had its golden age on the high seas during the period of European navel dominance, approximately 1600-1900 AD. The disease was first attested from a seaman's journal entry dating from approx. 1650: "Arr... We went ashore to get some ail, lucky me I got some tail, but now I say I'm turnin' pale, 'cause I've got hemorrhoids the size of whales. Arr!"