Sean Bean

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Sean Bean looking manly and hard as Sharpe and causing the Grande Armee to brick shit their trousers.
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“I'll get you, James Bond.”

~ Sean Bean on James Bond

“I'll get you, Romeo.”

~ Sean Bean on Romeo and Juliet

“I'll get you, Michael Douglas.”

~ Sean Bean on I'll Never Tell You

“I'll get you, Lincoln Six-Echo.”

~ Sean Bean on The Island

“I'll get you, Frodo.”

~ Sean Bean on The Lord of the Rings

“I'll get you, typecasting Hollywood”

~ Sean Bean on Typecasting Hollywood

Sean Bean (pronounced "Shorn Bean") aka Seen Been is a living God. You are not worthy to walk on the same planet as this man. His manliness is infinite. He was born (some say the son of Zeus, the thunder god, who he portrayed in Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief) on April 17, 1959. That part of him which is not divine is that of an English actor from Sheffield, South Yorkshire. As an actor, he adopted the Irish/Scottish spelling "Sean" (not as many people think to rhyme with his surname, but because it was easier to spell) of his first name.

Along with his sworn-brother Christopher Walken, Sean has been in every movie made by man.

Early Career[edit]

The young Sean toiled hard for his father's welding firm, developing his muscular physique, before becoming an actor. He made his acting debut in 1983 at the Watermill Theater in Newbury, Berkshire, England, as Tybalt in Romeo and Juliet. He blew the audience away with his rough accent, and several women experienced an intense orgasm as he spoke.


In the United Kingdom, he is best-known as the dashing Richard Sharpe in the television series Sharpe. With his trademark phrase "Bugger",which he probably called every character in the series at least once, it spread across British TV, causing Ambulances to be sent to homes of more sensitive women. The Sharpe series concluded in 1997, but a one off episode called Sharpe's Challenge with yet more overuse of the term "Bugger", was aired in April 2006.

He is best known in the United States for his role as the fictional character Boromir in the Lord of the Rings movie series. He really had to act for that role, as Sean would never be taken down by a mere three arrows. To prove it, an eleven person firing-team used him for target practice for three days beforehand. Sean took an incredible 42 arrows to the chest before going down.

Other notable appearances include as an Irish terrorist in the 1992 film adaptation of Patriotic Activities, where he put Harrison Ford's manliness to shame; as Mellors the gamekeeper in the 1992 BBC adaptation of Lady Chatterley's Fuckbuddy, sending yet more women into screaming bliss; as Alec Trevelyan (MI6's 006), the major villain of the 1995 James Bond film BrownEye; and as Odysseus in the 2004 film Troy, where he made Orlando Bloom look like an even bigger pussy than normal. Producers of the Bond film series were looking for an actor who could have played Bond himself for the role of 006. They have claimed to find those qualities, and so much more in Bean.

In 2005 he starred with Ewan McGregor in director Michael Bay's film The Island. The movie's plot revolved around human cloning for the purpose of harvesting organs for transplant. The idea intrigued Sean. Not so much that he could someday replace a failing liver, but that he could finally experience the ultimate mind-blowing pleasure of having sex with himself.

The 2007 remake of the 1986 thriller The Hitcher featured Sean in the chilling role of murderous hitch-hiker John Ryder, a role previously made famous by Rutger Hauer. There was a dramatic increase in hitch-hiking rides across America after the film debuted in theaters because ladies (and some gentlemen) were keen to pick up a murderer as hot as Sean.

Bean also featured in some stupid bald guy's music video "We Are All Made of Stars." This is untrue, he is made of a female human's egg and a God's Sperm. This is about as close as you can get though.

He has been married and divorced three times, probably because they couldn't take how every woman in the world wants him, and has three daughters: Lorna, Molly and Evie.

Who knew that a (frankly terrifying) amount of respected persons are from sheffield?. This has scary possibilities for the future of Sheffield, knowing that over 75% of the Sheffield-ian population are unable to use cognative thought without, "aides" in the day, such as Jeremy Kyle, Alcohol and Violance to significant others. The possiblity of these people are connected to Sharpe, Brother Martin and Boromir is terrifying.

Career in the pornographic industry.[edit]

It has recently been revealed that Sean Bean may have enacted in The Lord of the Rings' extra DvD features which contains explicit content involving Gandalf aka 'The Gay' , Frodo 'Ballsack' aswell as several elves, hobbits, and orcs counting as extras. One of the scenes was actually in the second movie, during the battle for Helms Deep; for during the actual scene all figurants were naked and holding long, pink swords. the scene was after photoshopped to put clothes on the actors, and to change the textures of the swords for Peter Jackson aka 'ZE REAL Hobbit' realized that naked Hobbit and Elves doing things were not everybody's turn on. Sean Bean realized that the producing of the scenes would diminish (however little, since he only acts with Arwen that sexy biatch hmmm i wna piece of that elven bread) his manliness, and thus convinced Peter Jackson (by threatening to kick his little hairy hobbit ass to Mars -HUH IT RHYMEZ) to not publish the extra scenes. However several years later Jackson being totally broke after doing cocaine and being totally clueless on what film to do next, decided to produce the scenes under a new name: "Cum' there and back again -by a fat hobbit".


  • During the filming of The Fellowship of the Ring, he refused to take the helicopters out to remote mountain locations. Instead he chose to take a ski lift into the mountains and then hike the final few miles, all in full costume. That's just how rugged and hard as nails he is.
  • He has the option of going under the names Seen Been or Shaun Baun
  • He was a presenter at the 1995 BAFTA Awards. He beat the crap out of every male there and then got laid sixty nine times after filming, with all of Hollywood's top female stars.
  • Sean was not the first choice for the role of Richard Sharpe in the Sharpe series; he stepped in and was literally ejaculated on by the director. After a bath and an ice pack on the directors jaw he was immediately hired.
  • After filming director Michael Bay's sci-fi action movie The Island, Sean proceeded to grow his own clone and it reached maturity on Dec. 23, 2007, just in time for the holidays. Sean fondly calls it the gift that keeps on giving...and receiving.
  • Has a scar over his eye given to him by Harrison Ford while shooting his death scene in Patriot Games (1992). Ford hit him with a boat hook because he felt inferior to Bean. Needless to say, Ford went home in a bodybag.
  • On Thursdays Sean Bean likes to go to bars and let hard men try to beat him. No man has ever worn Bean down. His pick up line is : "Alright luv come fer a bit o' Bean?". Women and Men are seduced instantly.
  • Sean Bean recently starred in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, boosting the games sales from 7.92 copies to 1.3 billion and causing all players to exclaim "ZOMG THAT'S FUCKING SEAN BEAN!!!" involuntarily.
  • Contrary to popular belief, the answer to life the universe and everything is not 42, but is in fact Sean Bean, or in numerical form, 006.
  • The 2000 census showed that 82% of British females aged 14-96 worship at the Temple of the Sacred Arse
  • Sean Bean has performed as a character who dies in nearly 85% of the films in cinema history. According to a recent study the combined deaths of all of Sean Bean's characters amounts to more than the collective deaths of the Civil War.
  • Sean Bean has an alter ego known as The Sean of Beans, who pronounces Sean as "seen". The alter ego has been spotted buying a flaming, flying, time-traveling DeLorean and several shirts displaying his own face. He can also be seen, in a picture, in the children's book Everybody Dies.
  • Sean Bean can speak in guitar solos.
  • Sean Bean likes to armwrestle celebrities. The list of people he has defeated include Tarzan, King Kong, Godzilla, Dr. Manhattan and Meryl Streep
  • Sean Bean once challenged the characters from Dragonball Z to a fight. He left none alive, but for Vegeta, about whom Sean was reported to have said "That bugger's got potential"
  • Sean Bean is a playable character in Tecmo Super Bowl (1991) as QB Eagles.
  • Sean Bean once helped Link to save the Princess Zelda, purely so he could shag her
  • Libya dictator, Muammar Gaddafi, once challenged Sean Bean to a manliness competition. Gaddafi is now DEAD! I wonder why.
  • Sean Bean killed Austin Powers and Bambi's Mum
  • (TRUE) Sean Bean supports Sheffield United Football Club, and is on the board of directors for the team. Following a particularly embarrassing defeat, Sean went out, got drunk and burst into the manager's office to shout at him. The manager was not in. Only his wife and small children were there, waiting for him to return. Sean Bean proceeded to shout at (and some say beat and rape) them, blaming them for Sheffield Utd.'s defeat. They were reduced to tears, crying for several minutes before Sean broke a piece off the manager's desk and hurled it through his window and left angrily.