|Washington: The Evergreen State|
|State Flower:||Evergreen Tree, Mildew|
|Official Languages:||English, Canadian, Mexi-glish|
|State Bird:||American Goldfinch|
|State Motto:||"We have Starbucks!"|
|Principal Exports:||Uptight Asian Businessmen|
|Climate:||rain, cold and rain to arid, rain|
|AKA:||The only state in the U.S. that has the word "state" in the title because people are too stupid to call Washington D.C. Washington D.C. or just D.C.|
“Damn, people in Washington look like Washington!”
“No, the tourists look like Washington - Washington dollars that is!”
“Coffee, rain, and hippies. This must be Western Washington.”
“In Western Washington, coolness is determined by how much coffee jargon you know. Who cares what "venti" means.”
The state of Washington (also known as "Rainland") is home to many creatures, not limited to the yuppie, Teh Metal, and the dead Kurt Cobain. The yuppie's natural habitat is the main streets of the city of Seattle, which is also known to contain the second largest homosexual population in the entire United States, surpassed only by San Francisco. It has been determined that Washington is the only state in the union that smells like Penny Royal tea. As a result, the entire population is made up of pig eaters (except the Orthodox Jews, Seventh-day Adventists, etc). Washington is reputed to constitute that feeling in between happiness and nervousness, perhaps due to the excessive consumption of Starbucks Coffee.
Due to the state's name, which suggests that a ton of washing occurs there, Washington has an exaggerated perception of excessive cleanliness. However, scientific reports are yet to verify this fact. Several studies report findings of actual mud, grime, and smog in Washington State, but only in the wealthy neighborhoods. Everywhere else, the rule of "Wash behind your ears!" is still closely observed... or so the children claim.
Washington is an amazing state, which is rainy 100% of the year in the west and 0% in the east, which may not appeal to most tourists, but has ensured it as a music mecca and a hippie haven. Unfortunately, Washington is right on the edge of the United States and is slowly sinking into the mud and will be, by the year 2068, completely submerged. Basically Washington rocks hardcore.
The county of Kitsap looks like Donkey Kong [], and its not a coincidence that all the residents act like insane crack monkeys.
That tall white thing. Governor Edward (Curly-haired mushmouth)Vedder resides and makes sacrifices on Mt. Rainier. A few years ago, he made a helicopter fall out of the sky while trying to loudly recall the Fable of Jeremy to his mountain goat companions. The crash killed a few hikers, but this has not deterred people from hiking. According to a 2004 report, there are still about eight million hikers in the state of Washington, of which at least one million are lost.
One of the many distinctive characteristics of Mt. Rainier is its naturally sparkling waters, which are collected and bottled under the "Rainier" label. Nonresidents often mistake this Rainier water for beer, to their chagrin when they try to get drunk from it.
To those who live outside the state, Starbucks is best identified by the brownish swill drank by the majority of its residents. Led by Chris Cornell, the guy behind you that runs away when you turn around, Starbucks was created to provide environmentalists (also known as Screaming Trees) the power to take over the USA. Some say that drinking Starbucks causes the brain to malfunction, which causes people to pay out $10 for a cup of coffee without thinking twice.
Also originating from Washington, Tully's is drank by no one because Starbucks took over Washington.
The capitol of Washington is located in the city of Buzzoville. The state is led by the benevolent king Buzzo, an insane Night Goat whose sole purpose is to make money and enslave humanity. As of April of 2007, Buzzo (also known as Billy Fish) has forced all humans to leave their homes and start new lives in (A) Senile Animal County. This was done to make room for more Night Goats to begin living in the rest of the state, so they can code new versions of awesomeness.
The Federated Republic of Seattle consists almost entirely of coffee shops, yuppies, and techies. Tagging road signs is a popular sport among teens. There are a large variety of species in the Coffee shop family, of which the most dominant and thriving is Starbuckius Coffeeshoppian, the common name of "Starbucks." There are a number of other attractions in Seattle, including Jedis, Krispy Kreme Donuts and Dingoes, not to mention the occasional Asian. A significant landmark is the Space Needle, but nobody ever goes there due to fear of heights.
Capital Hill was kicked out of the city of Seattle in 2011 for being too gay, even for Seattle. The homosexuals launched a revolt with Ryan Seacrest as their leader. Officially making him the King of Gays. During the Gay vs. Kinda still in the closet gay war of 2012, During the fight general Bill Gates captured King Seacrest and killed him by sodomizing him with an Zune and whispered "How do you like me now, How do you like me now, pretty boy." This action enraged the pink tuxedo wearing gays. In retaliation they sodomized all captured closet dwellers with Ipods. On Capital Hill nobody is allowed to wear clothes unless your straight, but if you are straight you will be shot on sight. Capital Hill is set to be moved to San Fransico in the year 2015. This move will create a nation large enough to have its own United Nations vote.
This is the bad side of Seattle. East LA. Gangsta's took over this region in 1987 and it is commonly known as Washinton's Compton. The 32 Zombie War was fought here in 2002. Bill Gates was named general of the Washington's Army and he captured the Zombies. Once he captured them all, "Kunta Kinte style" he put them all to work at microsoft in the customer support center. Bill Gates became the richest person in the world because people in India and Zombies work for $.03 per hour.
Seattle's East Side - Mercer Island, Issaquah and Kirkland
On the eastern shore of Lake Boeing (formerly Lake Jar of Flies) resides the independent Kingdom of the East Side. Kirkland is the capitol with Bellevue and Mercer Island as the outlying areas. The East Side is the only place in the state that has not been overtaken by general turned dictator Bill Gates. In the Paul Allen vs. Microsoft War of 2021 Paul Allen, the Seahawks and whatever the fuck else he owns were driven across the lake to Seattle's east side. In a defiant last stand, Paul Allen stole the Space Needle and brought it to Kirkland. This damaged Seattle by taking it off those quirky little tourist maps that show shit like the St. Louis Arch and the Statue of the French Feeling Guilty so Here's a Present.
The hover bridges (which replaced the 520 and I-90 floating bridges in 2017 when Boeing declared itself the Washington State Department of Transportation) were ordered to be destroyed immediately by dictator Bill Gates. This cut off the East Side from Seattle's trendy co-ops. So Paul searched high and low for an even more trendy version of a co-op. This came in the form of a Whole Foods market. Unfortunately, the side affect to the extreme trendyness was the prices and it soon shot the East Side into the economic recession of 2024. Paul quickly found a solution by farming students at the University of Washington which applied for ivy league status in 2010.
Today the East Side is a near utopia. Tax breaks are given for those who buy houses in housing developments where houses start at 1.5 million for a view of a Fred Meyers and 1.8 million for a view of a boutique shopping mall. Tax breaks are also given to those who drive their kids to soccer or lacrosse practice (football and baseball not being nearly trendy enough) in a Lexus or Infiniti. In the year 2063, people started moving away from the East Side to Issaquah because the socialist regime of the band MODEST MOUSE promised a new Starbucks superstore. This resulted in the severe depopulation of the East Side.
Paul (now half cyborg) launched an invasion of Issaquah. Issaquah fell quickly but Modest Mouse's imperial guard fled to the shitty ski area known as Snoqualmie Pass. There an epic battle took place, but luckily Paul ordered his pet lake monster to kill shit and they won. With the victory of the Issaquah Salmon Days War as it later became known, the East Side annexed Issaquah and Snoqualmie pass. Today the East Side is extremely peace-loving and still a near utopian society. Unfortunately, today Bill Gates the fifth is still upholding the embargo on the east side JFK-style. Therefore, no other Washingtonians will be able to see this wonderful society.
|American Old West|
Bakersfield · Denver · El Paso · Fresno · Los Angeles · Oklahoma City · Omaha · Phoenix · Portland · Roswell · Salt Lake City · San Antonio · San Diego · Santa Fe · San Francisco · Seattle · T or C · Tucson · Tulsa · Yuma
|Transport & trails|
Smaller (and Unimportant) Cities
Battleground is a city in southern Washington that is best known for pit bull fights, meth labs and gangs. Ironically, no battle ever took place in Battleground, unless you count the daily battle between its residents and their soul-crushing depression of living there. Battleground is a popular destination for people from Portland, who wish to go slumming for a day or enjoy an underground pit bull fight. Battleground is also a popular place for local news programs looking to spice up their late-night broadcast. Nothing gets the ratings like "double homicide uncovers meth lab that results in a four alarm fire; middle schools are still being screened for suspects." The city of Battleground used to be known as "Yakima". On July 3, the FBI found a hole bunch of automatic guns from a meth bust in this region
That piece of seattle that fell off durring the war of 1999.
Also known as the capitol of the Holy Microsoft Empire. From here, Lord Bill Gates (and his legion of uber nerds, Asians, and Indian immigrants) controls the rest of the world. On the surface, Redmond looks like a boring rich neighborhood, but deep undergrond, lord Gates and his trusty sidekick Steve Ballmer (See Darth Vader) are constructing a massive army of brainwashed youth. They plan trigger an world wide crash of Windows (as though it doesn't crash all the time anyway) triggering events similar to what was predicted for Y2K. Since the US Military mainframe runs on Windows 95, the Armed forces will have no idea what to do and just beat off while Gates proceeds to conquer the world with his Xbox Battlemechs. Ballmer will proceed to violate your sister.
Tacoma was founded in 1880, simply because it happen to be the end of a railroad. As a result, the city was largely settled by hobos and hookers. After a few decades of enduring the horribly high brain-stunting pollution levels, most of the citizens who weren't retarded left. Shortly thereafter, Tacoma was revered as the state's most popular dump site, causing it to rival only Paris in stench. In recent years it has been said that the "Tacoma Aroma" not only smells like a mixture of burning rubber and Mexican body odor, but can cause advanced cases of colon cancer and rabies. This wasteland also has the largest cranes in western North America, primarily used for importing the vast amount of garbage it receives from China and Seattle. Never, under any condition, should one visit this city, for a crazed union of smelly bums and unscrupulous women tend to sodomize trespassers on sight. If you happen to find yourself in or around the area of Tacoma, please contact 1-800-HOW-TO-COPE-WITH-DEATH and have a nice chat before you expire painfully. It should be noted, however, that all the hobos and hookers in Tacoma are actually wannabe hobos and wannabe hookers that have been transferred from Seattle, because Seattle only accepts the real stuff. Also, almost 95% of the pollution in Tacoma is from Seattle because they LOVE dumping shit on Tacoma. Literally.
Bellevue is essentially the place where all the rich people on the East side live. Pretty much everyone who earns more than $200,000 annually lives in Bellevue but works somewhere more important. By far the richest area in Bellevue, Clyde Hill is filled with multi-million dollar homes and cops. Lots of cops. They will pull you over for going 25.000000001 MPH in a 25 mile per hour speed limit zone. They prowl the streets. However, if you own an expensive car, you are permitted to drive faster. The maximum speed allotted can be expressed by the function: Max Speed = (Cost of car)/(10,000). In other words, if you own a crappy car, you can barely drive at all. In fact, cops in Clyde Hill are known to shoot beat-down cars on sight. Bellevue high is where the children of the rich parents congregate. This schools can be divided into 4 groups. Rich white kids, rich Asian kids, rich kids of other races, and that one kid whose dad makes less than $150,000 a year. In short, Everything about Bellevue is about rich people, expensive crap, and snobs. In fact, Bellevue is French for "Rich Bastard Land". When in Bellevue make sure to go to Bellevue Square. If you drive to Bellevue Square and your car is not worth more than the mall you WILL get keyed.
Main article: Why?:Can't Anybody Drive in this Town?
Few people care about Bothell. It is only notable for its unique driving etiquette. All Bothell drivers always go (at most) 20% of the speed limit allowed. They also swerve erratically and honk excessively. To do otherwise is considered heresy and is typically results in the burning of the offender at the stake. If you do not know that you are in Bothell are most likely to believe that you are somewhere in China.
Duvall (Does It Exist?)
Sure, you hear the local news talk about the city, but have you ever been there? Everybody hears about Duvall, but there is no first-hand experience of seeing it. The truth is that it is all a government conspiracy. Congress and former Washington governor Gary Locke are trying to hide the truth. What is the truth? Teams of investigators still have not discovered it. If friends have been trying to convince you that it exists with pictures and stories of relatives, do not trust them! They were brainwashed by the government! You can believe what you want to believe, but there is no Duvall. It is just a cooperation between the Soviet government and Planet X to conduct testing on Asian tourists.
This town has the distinction of being the location of one of the biggest events in the state - the September Fairgrounds. People line up in their cars, waiting 4 hours in traffic jams and 2 hours in line for tickets just to enter. The roller coaster ride is not as large as those in California or Florida, but it suits the residents of Washington State just fine. Senior citizens who dislike roller coasters, and children under the height limit, love wandering through buildings to see the rabbits, quilting and fruit exhibits. Adults and teens alike find this the perfect place to waste hard-earned money on tacky souvenirs, stuffed toys and/or junk food, and to blow their eardrums out at rock concerts held at the grandstand. If you are especially lucky, you may find yourself with an allergic reaction after wandering through one of the animal barns or while attending a rodeo. The skyride, which lifts you from one end of the fair to the other, is especially recommended to those with fear of heights. The most fun part of the fair is finding your way back to your vehicle to go home, wandering through rows and rows of cars, SUVs, and Minivans... wouldn't you know it, your little mini-compact happened to be located between 2 SUVs. Real easy to spot that way. Now wasn't that fun.... let's do it again next year and blow another full paycheck.
Sequim is a little farm town in northern Washington that is permanently perfumed with the overpowering scent of lavender. All the residents there are also lavender-scented. They make money off unsuspecting tourists by selling products like lavender soap, lavender bath salts, lavender hand and body lotion, lavender honey, lavender sugar, lavender incense, lavender baskets, lavender pillows, lavender paper, lavender powder, and more lavender. During the off-season, the residents gather lavender and go crab fishing. Yeah, the city should probably be renamed.
Port Townsend is a small victorian seaport town with too many cops on the Olympic Peninsula that was once a chaotic maelstrom of sailors, prostitution and debauchery. PT was actually the designated location for what became Seattle, but the men in charge were scared off by the crazed alcoholic injun chief Chetzamoka, who then built a park in his own honor and set a curse on all white men who came across the town to be trapped there indefinately. The Moldy Peaches have since been the only ones unaffected by it, probably due to Kimya's racial makeup. Today the town is a strange, stagnant brew of retirees, retarded jumprope craftsmen, hippies, general oddfolk and members of Modest Mouse spread out amongst the victorian houses and art galleries. Locals are known to assault would-be tourists with locally grown produce, exept in the outlying rural areas, where they are generally shot by tweakers. Three forts are constructed around the bay to take out cruise liners. The town gets most of its revenue from the spoils gathered from the said slain tourists.
The city of Spokane (Russian Споканск, Spokansk), is a typical dingy Eastern European city with ugly retro-modern buildings, a whole lot of whites, drug addicts, hair tacos, bums with long hair and guitars, rundown infrastructure, gang activity, and a booming economy. Chuck Norris also owns a house in Spokane, which he claims to be his favorite due Mr. T's inability to access this primarily white city. Most Spokane citizens hate Starbucks, because Starbucks stole the fame away from eastern Washington. It is widely reported that many Spokane citizens have nuclear weapons which they may or may not use to attack Starbucks.
Yakima is home to the Yaks and is commonly known as the capital of Mexico or Battleground. Some may argue that the battleground is in Vancouver Washington not to be confused with the Canadian version of Vancouver.
Walla Walla sits at the southeastern tip of Washington Washington and is separated from the rest of society society on farmland farmland no one else likes to touch. This is why the state of Washington Washington sends all of its murderers, rapists, and pedophiles to the state penitentiary, where some of them even meet their fate on the gurney or in the gallows. Another reason people never want to come here is because of the putrid onion onion smells that contaminate the air. Their wine wine also tastes like crap crap, assuming that people would have an idea of what crap tastes like.
Barely Notable and Very Unimportant Cities
Woodinville (English for Woodinville) is the birthplace of the recently killed Jackie Chan (1873-2010) (see Chuck Norris). Upon entering this decrepit wasteland you will encounter many trees and mostly asians who work at Microsoft. Woodinville is considered the retarded dwarf cousin of Redmond (home of Microsoft and Lord Gates). The only thing that Woodinville does correctly is make good wine and an good grammar. Woodinville has one high school with a population of 50% stoners, 25% regular drinkers, 10% people who don't do anything, 90% rich people, and 1% hot gas. The remaining percentage of the population are a bunch of kids who think they're better than everyone at other schools (but not as much as Bothell students or Inglemoor students).
The most notable thing about Bremerton is its mass naval ship population. Bremerton is the biggest home to retired battleships in Washington. Since the town is placed on a Peninsula, it was easy for these ships and their families to settle in seek of a nice, slow retirement, no matter what corner of the globe they served on. Despite the fact that Bremerton has perhaps one of the whitest names in all of Washington, it is actually home to an underground Indian movement to regain a quiet and useless pieces of what was once their land. Every few months, a tribe of crazy, naked, painted indians come running into Downtown bremerton and break glass; loot buildings whilst whooping so loudly that the people down in Port Orchard can hear them. This is cue for the second most prevalant population group in the town (Retired Veterens) to get out their walkers and their muskets and shoot down as many of these crasy redskins as they can get their wrinked old hands on. Whatever Indians are captured are taken away into a dark room in behind the Museum of History in Downtown Bremerton, where they are fed bread and water until they are finally released for public execution aboard several macabre floats running in the annual Armed Forces Parade while thousands of desensitized Bremertonians laugh and lean back in their beach recliners.
Soap Lake is the ultimate hick Eastern European town in Eastern Washington. It has a population of 30 illiterate people, and many visitors from Ukraine and Russia who know everything, and don't believe you know anything. They will teach and preach to you. Watch out for proselytizing pentecostal tracts, you'll get a few. There is one resident who single-handedly runs the school, inn, motel, library and post office. And there is another one who cooks for all the restaurants, acts, works ticket stands, and bags groceries at the Russian store. However, there is no one to run the police department; it is run by a puppet inside of a police car. It would give out parking tickets, if there was still room on your dashboard collection of pentecostal tracts, to place one.
A mere 20 minutes away from Soap Lake is Ephrata, the next step up from a hick town. They have a Walmart, which is situated next to a Dollar Store (one of two in the town). They also have a Mexican restaruant painted pink as a metaphor for the peptobismal you'll have to use after eating there. Ephrata's best kept secret is their airport, not that anyone would want to go there anyways. The main tourist attraction in Ephrata is the pawn shop. You can find loads of CDs, comics, movies, and swords. I bought Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back for $2.00!
Moses Lake is the New York of Central Washington. It was named after a Native American Chief named Moses, who wasn't actually named Moses. However, White people can't pronounce Native American names, and one of them must have been Jewish, so they named him Moses. The main attractions of Moses Lake are a fountain, a Taco Bell (everyone loves tacos), another pawn shop, a movie theater (that no one goes to), a business that only sells blueberries, and a place where they might train pilots, but then again, no one gives a fuck about whether that's true.
Ellensburg thinks it is the "Palm Springs" of Washington, when all actually is a hick circus and the main event is a gay rodeo. In Ellensburg's defence it has every fast food restaurant ALL ON ONE ROAD. Recently, libelous posts on Satanist website forums purport that Dan Haseltine, lead singer of Christian Pop Superstars Jars of Clay is from Ellensburg. Further, these lie-filled tirades maintain that Haseltine met pianist Charlie Lowell at a Trent Reznor and the Nine Inch Nails Columbia Gorge concert. These accusations have been firmly denied by both Washington authorities and band management.
Edmonds is the name of a large senior center just north of Seattle. It makes up most of Washington's old people and home schoolers. It was originally a gas dock for ships who forgot to buy fuel in Seattle, but is now mainly a workplace for seafood fry cooks and social security agents. Residents are known to fly off to Europe in search of their prophet Rick Steeves, known to regularly appear on their TV's and showing much better places to live.
Across a small body of water which hosts the Pig Sound Ships, Port Orchard was declared a city in 1888 thanks to its over-abundance of T-1 ports and apple orchards. It is home to several amazing sights, including Olallaland, Man's Chest Hair (from which you can see the Space Needle), and the Hi-Joy. The Hi-Joy is used as a Bowling alley, restaurant, arcade, poker room, insane asylum, a theater (which only shows re-runs of Teletubbies and the Terminator), and a large sinkhole (thanks to your mom sitting in the enormous parking lot). It is rumored that a ghost named "Schmitty" lives there. He once bowled a 254 in 1995, according to a worker named Cheryl. Various people enter the building, but mostly everybody is from the Old Folks Home. The Hi-Joy is considered by locals to be the center of the gossip mill. Then there's the high school, where a policy of teachers molesting students once every one to three years is strictly enforced. [] [] There's also a pathetic excuse of a mall that hasn't had a customer in six years.
Laid back town that no one has really ever been to but might have heard of and know they should go to it cuz it has a big ass 8-mile around Lake in the middle of the town. Some guy named Steven owned the lake back in the day of cave man, so when civilized people came to the small town they thought they'd give him credit for the lake thus called it Lake Stevens- very original name. Many people go wakeboarding, skiing, and jetskiing on the lake but fishermen always get pissed at you cuz they think they are the bees knees and won't get their dinner if you want to have a bit of fun by utilizing the lake- hey it isn't their lake after all! Also in this small town there are 3 Starbucks like you walk 3 feet and BAM another Starbucks its ridiculous but hey all Washingtonians are coffee addicts anyways. So when you are bored this summer- come kick it in Lake Stevens, piss off some fishermen and why not get some starbucks while you're at it too?
Most Washingtonians avoid Forks because of its constantly rainy skies, its depressing isolation within the impenetrable peninsular forests, and its recurring infestations of vampires and werewolves. Tourism increased by about 9001% after the release of Twilight.
Notable (But Unimportant) Counties
Grays Harbor County
Grays Harbor county is well known for being one of the happiest regions in the hemisphere. Initially abandoned by the indigenous tribes due to the intense vortex of all habitable surroundings, they sold the region to the whites for a sum totaling in several billions of dollars. The white man in his superior happiness-cultivating skill reformed the area from a pristine but savage rain forest into several industrious and civilized logging mills, meth labs and other per capita income lowering institutions.
The town currently undergoing the most growth and urban renewal is the town of Aberdeen, home of child star Kurt Cobain and ruler of most of the 6th quadrant of the galaxy, Bryan Danielson (who also happens to be the best, but ugliest professional wrestler to have ever existed). The city council of Aberdeen recently revised their vote mandating the official count of teeth required to achieve 'sexy bitch status' be a maximum total of six, causing uproar among the neighboring towns. Westport has threatened a class action lawsuit and Montesano is currently considering sending in the national guard to quell an uprising from Aberdeen, fearing Aberdeen will soon attempt to steal the coveted position of county seat from them.
Island County consists of Whidbey Island, Camano Island, and Vancouver Island. The county is known for its unusually high population of Wookiees, especially on Whidbey Island where 1200 Wookiees are believed to reside. The county government is constantly struggling with local drug lords, who wish to sell meth and Coke and want to outlaw Pepsi. In order to maintain control of these drug lords, the county has increased control of the spaceship industry. Rumor even has it that they are now employing a certain Italian Mafia sect to help maintain control.
Along with its domestic trouble, Island County is currently attempting to form an alliance with Russia to take over the islands of San Juan County. This takeover would enable Island County to increase its total production levels and give it world-wide acclaim with what would be the greatest spaceship building industry.
A large majority of the industry is being completed on Vancouver Island. This island, once part of the Canadian Empire, is now controlled by Island County as a result of a short war. This war was started by a large rebellion of the citizens of Vancouver. The Island County Commissioner, McDowell, quickly called in the U.S. military to sever the Canadian Empire's supply lines. And with use of the U.S. naval air station on Whidbey Island, Canada's communications were disrupted, as well. Thus, Canada lost control of Vancouver, and Island County became part of Washington.
People in Hanford are generally considered to be friendly, which combined with their pleasant green glow makes that city a popular spot for tourists and terrorists. There is an annual festival held every four months in Hanford that celebrates the city's usage of Microsoft Errrect1on as its official operating system. Other notable tourist spots are Battleground, Puyallup, and Sequim.